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So here we are again,

I’m sitting alone in the dark,

Writing words into the screen.



Your still miles away,

Floating upon a cloud in my head.

A dream that still hasn't come true.



Restlessness takes over the body,

Once more feeling the need to run away from it all.

The past year of mistakes, lies and regret.



What did I gain from it?

Another scar,

More pain,

And another page in my yearbook.



A page I never want to show to anyone.

Wish I could just tear it out,

Burn it,

Throw it away,

Forget it never happened.



Yet it’s there,

Feel the stains on my skin,

Its touch around my neck.



Trying to pull me back,

Pull me down,

The black hole I’ve been trapped in.



Well baby not tonight,

I have my dream once more.

And even in the world of black,

There is still that one shining star.



So let’s get in the car,

Hit the road,

And drive until the pavement ends.

And baby where gonna go some more.



Want to reach the place where the water hits the sky,

Get lost amongst the stars.

Get lost in the light.



Slowly I’ll cut through the chains of my past.

Finally waking up.

Or just seeing the light that’s been missing for so long.



The bruises are still fresh,

And the blood is still drying on the floor.

The pain still grips my heart.



Coming to terms with what occurred a year and a half ago.

Letting it all out at once.

Watch it come crashing down,

The dark rain falling around.



Cutting away the ties that hold me down.



So here I am once more.

Back at the start.

Not moving,

Yet no longer running in circles.



Taking time to plan the route this time.

Raising the curtain on the lies.

Raising the curtain on my life.



Always holding back the pain,

Holding back the guilt,

Holding back the lies.



I thought,

If I kept moving,

Kept running,

Then baby,

They’d never catch me.



Who knew I’d catch up to them?



So here I am once more.

Sitting at the wheel.

Foot on the pedal.



Looking through the windshield,

The headlights illuminating the way.

Driving down the dark road,

The star is in sight,

If only just out of reach.



And I’ll get to the end of the road,

And if the stars still just out of reach,

Well then I’m not stopping this time.

I’ll find away,

However it is,

Beyond the pavement,

I'll reach it.



If not tonight,

Then soon enough.



So baby let’s drive to where the road ends,

And let’s keep going.



Cause I'm dreaming of you,

Dreaming of the warmth just out of my reach,

Feeling your touch.



I fall back into waiting arms,

Yet all that catches me is the ground.



So here I am once more,

The same dream on this night,

Tonight.



But I’ve been staring long and hard into the mirror,

Sitting and thinking,

Perhaps too much,

But something I haven't done enough.



Talking more than I ever thought I would,

And realizing things I never let out before.



And finding the people who are there for me,

There to tell me what I’m really feeling,

And there to tell me what I need to hear.



So here I am once more.

The same young man,

Still crying about his life.



And still promising himself to change it.

But this time he can look down,

He can see the scars of all the lies he didn't keep,

Those to others,

And those to himself.



The broken young man,

The dried blood on his lips,

The bruises on his back,

The cuts on his hands.



Yet for once he sees the reflection.

What he’s done to himself.

The bloody mess he made.



The tears,

The pain,

The sweat,

The blood.



So here we are again.

I'm typing these words in a dark room.

The gentle light of the screen my only escape.



He’s still not here,

He's still out of sight,

Still floating amongst the stars,

Still a dream just out of reach,

Still a man just out of sight.



So baby,

Though your not here now,

I hope that one day I’ll come back and find this.

And I’ll realize that I was foolish to give up.

Because you’re the dream I always had.



So I’ll have to look once more.

Do this thing all over again.



Here we are again.

Me and the computer screen.

Yet this last part,

There’s nothing new to say.

I said it three years ago,

And tonight,

Nothing’s really changed.

So I’ll leave with the words of my wiser self,

And look back and realize that I’ve been traveling backwards.

And it’s time to finally put the step out in front.

Do what I didn't have the courage for three years ago.





"So I must look again.

For just that single person,

The one man.

Who cares enough to show up,

And pull me away from this ledge,

Pull the knife out of my hand,

Pull the rope off my neck,

Just be there.

Here.

Someone who cares enough that they would show up,

At the very least to know:

That when I said goodbye,

It wasn't for the last time."