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It was the center of nothing.

But the home of everything.



The strangest story ever told.

But the simplest to understand.

If you look down deep enough...



...Into the swirling black liquid.

The coffee and milk, dancing in the light.

The morning awakening.

New thoughts,

The start of a new day,

The same old life.



My autobiography.

Not even 20 years on this planet.

And a story to tell...



So much going on,

In this one little head.

Me.



The freak,

Asshole,

Faggot.

The weird loser,

Alone in the back,

Trying to avoid their stares,

Their laughter.



So happy for so long.

So it seemed.

It had to end.

Here now,

Right before you.

Nothing left.

Mad once more...



Annoyed

Mad at everyone.

Ruining myself.

And those around.



Humanity destroyed by fury.

Story of our history.



Such a sad people...

We fight for fun,

With no real reason.



Such sad,

Pathetic people.

No excuses for really being here.

Mother earth,

Killing us off.

A sad disease,

A failed attempt.

Soon to be over...



Yet with all this going on,

I worry not about the distant future,

Just my lifetime.

A selfish arrogant bastard no less.

Aren’t' we all.



Here I am,

On my knees before you.

Lofty ideals,

Can't quite touch the ground.



Love is a fickle friend.

Betrays me so.

I thought I loved him.

But I don't think I ever did.



He was the best,

And I care a lot,

But its not love.

And I hate that so much...



And with everything else.

I forget the past,

But look to the future.

Yet I may not have one.



A spectacular death.

Not just from the wounds that still bleed.

Or the new ones each day.

Nor the countless more I give to everyone else.



No,

A spectacular suicide.

Guns and bombs.

Heights and fear.

Lights and cameras.

The greatest death.

A befitting ending to a strange story.



The story of a boy,

A boy who lived,

A life of a lie.

Lived in a time,

Where he couldn’t be accepted.

Lived in fear,

Each and every day.



A boy who loved,

Who was betrayed?

And held in the strong arms.

Who had friends?

Lost many more,

But still moved on.



SO much in so short a time.

It takes its toll.

Leaves the scars.

Yet we awake to each new day.

Yet I awake to a lie.

That I live out every day.

But the truth appears in the night.



Thought I could make it.

Survive the night,

Kept my hands away from the gun for so long.

Yet as of late.

I have held it to my head once more,

My finger on the trigger.

Half wanting it,

Half dreading it.



Yet I look on.

To the future.

What could be?

But knowing what will happen anyway.

Nothing good has,

And nothing good will...



It’s an odd choice.

To live a life that I will hate,

Or not live at all...



Hard to choose what is better?

Yet I hope that I can survive each day.

One step at a time.

One min,

One hour,

One day,

One year,

One life...

It’s all we ever have.

Just one life.

Why end it before its time...



Yet it’s so hard to go on.

So hard to hope,

Pray for a new day.



Live, laugh and love.

I try to do it all...

But fail so much.

Fall so far.



Clearly the strangest story,

The smallest man.

My cowardence makes me strong,

My bravery makes me weak.



The fat fag...

Hate myself more then my life...

Could all be better...?

IF only I where stronger.

But I’m too scared to try.

But brave enough to talk...



Yet it's time to move on.

Seize the day.

And awake to the new light.

Drink my coffee,

And get lost in a new cup.

A new life.

A new boy.

A new biography.

A new me.