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To get things started, I never grew up in a Christian atmosphere. The only Christian influence I had (if you call it that) was from my maternal grandparents. My grandpa was a Baptist minister in his day, but I rarely spent any time with them growing up. When they passed away, I realized I didn't know a thing about them.  



Anyway, I grew up with my father, mother and two older brothers. My dad was an abusive alcoholic, and my mother was in and out of mental hospitals my whole life. I watched my father brutally beat up my mother (and my brothers) practically everyday. Sometimes, even my brothers would beat up on her and me. I had to deal with all kinds of abuse, emotional, verbal, even physical abuse. My mom would leave hundreds of times, but in the end, my dad usually suckered her into coming back home. I prayed to God to stop the violence and soon after that, she got up and left... for good. She wanted a divorce. The night she left, my parents had had a huge fight. I knew she was leaving, but hoped that she would come back as she had done the hundreds of times before. Somehow, though, deep down, I knew that this time was different.



While my dad was getting ready to take her to her parents' house that night, I poured my heart out to God. I was on my knees earnestly pleading to Him not to take my mother away from me. My father was a stranger to me, and I was afraid of him. My mother was my only refuge. She protected me but now that she was leaving… I would be on my own. That night when I was in my room begging God to make her stay, I heard a voice in my head. I remember like it was yesterday.  The voice (God) told me that I would be better off if she left and I would understand why when I grew up. Being only 10 years old, I refused to believe this. I got immensely angry with God. I cursed Him and told Him that I hated Him. I turned my back on Him that night.



For the next 8 years after that, I sunk into a deep depression. My grades began to drop as well as my self-esteem. At age 13, I began going to therapy. In high school, I got into 'the wrong crowd' and started doing drugs. I thought the drugs would help but I only felt even emptier and when I was high, I felt as though my soul were inside scratching and screaming to get out. I would cut my arms with knives and such thinking that physical pain would cover up the emotional pain - it didn't. It only made matters worse. I got to the point where I couldn't feel anything at all, and I would cut myself or do drugs in order to make myself feel something, anything, to assure myself I was still alive. By this time my brothers had already gone off to college, and I was living alone with my father. We never got along and were almost always getting into fights, even physical fights. He was hardly ever home so that was the only good thing... and I used to stay out until the sun came up.



Finally, after living in the same house for 15 years, my father and I moved to live with my grandma (his mom) where we have been living ever since. For the first year of living there, I continued to travel back and forth on the weekends to visit my old friends (we just moved to the next town 30 minutes away). One night I was driving with an old friend and almost ran into a motorcyclist and if I had I would have killed him. I literally felt like something had touched my hands and pulled the wheel to the left, getting me out of the way just in the nick of time - it all happened so fast that there was NO way I could have reacted in time. That is when I began to think about God again, and whether or not he DID exist after convincing myself He wasn't real for so long. I hadn’t given it much thought yet.



Now, the only friends I had were slipping through my fingers. I often wondered if they were just using me or if they really did care... I tried everything in my power to stay close to them but to no avail - we drifted apart. After losing my mom and them, I pretty much built a wall around me to avoid the pain of ever losing anyone I loved again. I had been going to therapy for 6 years and I was pretty much at the point where I thought it would never get better. I wasn't as depressed as I had been years before but I still had that nagging emptiness and loneliness in the pit of my heart. You could say that I basically just came to terms with the fact that this was just how I was going to feel for the rest of my life, so I might as well learn to live with it. I had contemplated suicide though, since I had no hope for my future and certainly didn't want to live if that was all there was to life. I honestly felt like I had nothing or noone to live for. (I actually did attempt suicide a few times before, but this time I was getting serious about it since I was getting closer to graduating.)



But then one night I had a startling dream. My maternal grandparents both came to me. The dream was so real I could actually FEEL the breeze coming in from an open window. The dream took place in what seemed like a small hut, and it was so bright outside that I could barely see anything except for my grandparents. The only thing I could tell about them was that they still looked the same, only younger - and without wrinkles. We laughed and reminisced for a moment, then they got serious with me. I don't remember now what they told me, but I know it had to do with God and turning my life around. When I woke up from the dream I had that feeling like I was falling into my bed. I began questioning my dad about it since I knew he knew a lot about the bible. Because of it, my father and I actually began growing closer and we began healing old wounds. I have seen God’s miraculous power in my life and in my dad's. God changed my dad and me, from where there was no relationship at all, to us becoming best friends.



A few months or so after I had the dream, Sept. 11th happened and it opened my eyes like never before. It made me realize that I could die someday and just like the people in the towers, that day would come unexpectedly for me too. I needed to know what was going to happen to me after I died... That day I feared it was the end of the world... I walked around in a daze and in fear for weeks afterwards trying to figure out what was going on... I decided to look into finding the right church for me. So I prayed that God would help me find the right place, and finally, He did. Pretty much everything I was dealing with in my life at the time and struggling with the pastor preached about and when he gave the opportunity to turn to Christ, I did. I hesitated at first since I was too shy to raise my hand in front of a bunch of strangers, and not only that but there was this spiritual battle going on inside of my head. Somehow, the pastor knew what I was thinking and explained it so intricately I was blown away. I knew it could have only been God speaking to me through him.

I got saved two weeks before my real birthday. I raised my hand during the altar call... I had given my life to Christ.



Instantly the emptiness was gone, the depression went away, and I was filled with an overwhelming joy I could hardly contain it. It was an emotion I had never experienced before in my life. It wasn’t just happiness – it was pure, holy joy from God. It was like God opened the floodgates of heaven and poured out His incredible love in my heart.



Since then, I've vowed to live my life for Christ the rest of my days and if I ever get married God will definitely be in charge of it. My children will be raised in a loving home, and in a loving church.



Although I went through a lot of hardships and almost ended my life, I am actually happy that I went through all that I did. It has not only made me a better person, but it has taught me how to relate to others when they are going through depression or a hard time. Not only that, but it has also shown me the depths of God’s love and grace, how He is so long-suffering and patient with us. How in His immense love, He pursues and pursues us. My mom may have abandoned me as a child, but God will never abandon me. The world may give up on me and label me a failure, but God has redeemed me and turned the ashes of my life into a beautiful canvas.  And He can do that same for you.