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lost in my thoughts...
i don't know where to start...
i would love to just start...
let the words come out of my fingers
and on to the computer
so you can read this
but then i run on about nothing...
and its just boring...
like this...
boring...
i've been lost...
i've been lost since the first of jan...
i think to myself...
and i walk...
taking out a smoke
lighting it...
and change the song
"where does the good do?"- Tegan & Sara...
funny how that works...
because i don't know
my i-pod died
but the song kept going in my head
the noise from my shoes
as it was the only thing heard down the street
someone could know that i was coming
i thought about everything i've done in this past year
3 relationships, had my heart broken once, broke someones heart, and the third is still going, i have fallen in love 3 times...
and i feel like this is going to be a good one,
i have kissed 7 people, i had my heart ripped out but its back now, and i lost a good friend of mine...
i think about her...
and think how she wont see today...
or tomorrow...
or even her 15th birthday...
and it kills me...
people keep telling me...
it was her time...
everyone has a time and it was her time to go...
but how can that be if she was taken away?
as my grandpa always said to my mother to make her upset
the minute you're born,
is the mintue you start to die...
i think about that...
and about my friend...
and how i said if i ever lost another friend i would kill myself...
as people say "life is short"
and we don't live life...
but she did...
then my mind changes...
from saddness to love...
i think about my love...
and i think about so many things...
next year...? how long? is she okay? does she feel the same way? am i scaring her away from me?
i think about her so much...
always on my mind...
i sit outside for a smoke...
pretend to be on my phone...
and i take off the ring that was given to me...
i smile as sometimes i want to cry...
she helped her pick this out...
i run my fingers over the words "i love you"
i'm scared to wear it...
i feel that i'll wake up...
and she wont be there...
that this is all made up in my mind...
but i remember its all real as i get a chill up my spine...
are you here?
tattoo plays on in my house...
a memory of her...
a video i saw...
thinking it was the band..
but infact it was a song...
it plays as a tear falls down my face...
i stop...
get up, light a smoke, call a friend, get picked up
and leave...
i need to get away...
lost in these thoughts
not knowing which ones are real or fake...
and scared that one day the fake ones will
be real...
and all the real ones will be fake...
the confusion of my mind...
playing tricks on me...
like the boogie man in m closet
though i know he isn't real...
he is still real in my mind...
lost in my thoughts...
and the running on keeps going...
till i take my hands away...
and just stop...
but the thoughts will never stop
for its why i am always confused
and lost in myself...
because of these thoughts
