Author Information
The Urinal Cake
IT
was those people that follow you around the museum
to make sure you don’t bend over, pull down your pants
and shit explosive diarrhea at the “Mona Lisa”
IT
was swinging from vines like Tarzan,
curing every vaginal yeast infection in town,
singing that Foo Fighter’s song “My Hero”
IT
was flying kamikaze helicopters, dropping skydiving midgets without parachutes,
throwing empty soup cans at homeless people in Houston for a questionable, lifeless reprisal
IT
was drinking urine mixed with gin and MDMA, eating cake while wacking off to paintings of Marie Antoinette’s decapitated body
after driving a Smart Car into Monte Carlo with faulty brakes and no muffler
IT
was fucking the cunt of ten pence tomorrows,
slapping the fog out of today in rancid retribution,
pissing blood at Margret Thatcher’s Wikipedia page in an abandoned public library somewhere in Leeds
IT
was wearing a trench coat,
running in circles,
flashing schoolgirls while castrating itself with a dental saw
screaming under the tongue, “HALLAYYLOOOYAAAHH!”
IT
was babbling bibliographies, singing the theme song from the “Brady Bunch,”
eating pancakes soaked in mescaline
breathing in fecal fire on a hot winter day in Perth
IT
SPAWNED THE SEED OF SATAN!!!!!!
THAT URINAL I USED IN 1993!!!!!!!!!
IT
hated poetry and brutally fistfucked every poet’s surgically repaired pussy and torched every white trash mobile home in Kentucky because
IT DID NOT understand or appreciate cinquains and really wanted to punch Moliere in the stomach
IT
flew on the wings of vultures wearing Sarah Palin’s skidmarked thong,
but didn’t have adequate dental coverage
and just let out a nasty fart in a crowded elevator
IT
wore a dunce cap and kicked little boys in the nuts because of a small dick syndrome
that the prickly penis pump picked out of a precocious pantry in Pasadena
only
circumcised
IT
raped Mother Goose with gas guzzlers on the highway driving too slowly
leaving the left blinker on for twenty fucking minutes!
IT
waded through fields of animal carcasses due to the hungry, vegan, and ashamed
IT
marched in teargas protest, however, was afraid to unleash that secret army of sweatshop slave 11 year olds from Malaysia
who want to free Tibet with fur coats, nun chucks, skateboards, and top hats
IT
shot people in the face with piss filled water guns all over the streets of Cincinnati;
and broke down crying later;
called the Psychic Hotline,
watched Oprah,
laughed hysterically for an hour
and then took a big, hairy shit in the bathtub before calling “Joe the Plumber”
IT
lined up outside the mall on Black Friday- last Tuesday- in makeshift tents made out of excrement
trampled several store employees to death in a melee
and even didn’t find what it was looking for anyway
IT
maxed out a credit card – just to replace a loan – just to live a lie
IT
stole Paris Hilton’s right testicle and took transvestites hostage in Stockholm after removing their breast implants on the back nine of Augusta
dressed up in Bath Ruth’s uniform smoking a Cuban cigar, making noises like an orangutan with constipation
IT
burned books with Reality TV and had Ambien nightmares of Spoken Word Poets digging ditches while wearing barbed wire corsets and dancing (occasionally) the “Spastic Cabbage Patch” sporting those four-hour erections the TV keeps on warning us about but nobody expects will happen to them, maybe to somebody named Fred or Bob or Ted or Chad, but not to them
IT WAS TRAVELLING WITH VAIN HOPES OF NOTHING IN:
Berlin
Zurich
London
Paris
and some city in Eastern Europe…
IT
banged on the doors of occupied toilet stalls at the airport in Frankfurt and ran apeshit amok poking random people in the eyes, doing earsplitting Three Stooges impersonations
IT
dressed up like Ronald McDonald and dangled Happy Meals in the faces of starving children only to jump into a Hummer and drive off playing loud, bass booming CRUNK Hip Hop music, throwing up gang-signs like Ali G or a demented deaf person on some type of mind altering hallucinogenic drug, yelling “YEAHYAH” rapidly like Lil Jon or Dave Chappelle
IT
ate twenty black bean dinners out of a sombrero while stranded in an alley in Mexico City
where a flock of 40 year old heroin hookers prayed to IT every night out of spite,
laughing themselves delusional,
they wept later and played a solemn flute
then bought a live cobra off Ebay,
watched “Die Hard” on acid,
and read “Lazarus” fifty times in a row to J. Alfred Prufrock who was strung out on meth and Barbie dolls and was attempting to contact Robert Frost
because his neighbor was building an intrusive fence somewhere in Cambodia
IT
NEVER REPEATED
IT
NEVER REPENTED
IT
brought denial to every repulsive reflection
IT
crippled every aspiration in Santa’s satanic six block radius
Now let
IT
ask the reader this,
Do YOU, fair reader, believe in reincarnation?
The urinal cake does…
