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...it's 1:46am & I am caught in a rare trance.  I'ont know, but if YOU (whoeva is read'n this) can relate to all the shit that I'm 'bout 2 say...uza good1;) I'mma 19 year old gay male in Atlanta. Growing up in a strict Christian household headed by a single-parent mother, I was always encouraged to do what I was told - even if it went against what I was feeling in my heart.



Now, in the past 2-n-a-half yrz since start'n my senior year in high school...I've become very much so in touch with my feelings. Because of this...I'm extremely honest when it comes down to dealing with people in ALL KINDS of relationships - whether they be friends, siblings, cousins, parents, etc.  The previous blog is a poem I wrote after I attempt'd to kill myself one night.  I know...its crazy, huh? But, my heart had taken WAYYYYEEE too much in such a short amount of time that I just BLANK'D on my own gotdayum self.



First, it was my mama give'n me hell about how I've chosen to live my life and her act'n a dayum donkey when she came & visited me (the crazy woman read my journal in my own apartment!). Then, its the nigga that I inadvertenly fell in love with. I mean...there's an incredibly long story behind that 1. I feel like I'm in love w/some1 that just don't understand the depth of that shit @ all. I mean...I'm confused. If you wait'n on love to happen to you and it presents itself to you in its true form (i.e. ME), wouldn't you @ least give it a try.



My closest friends tell me constantly that I just need to give up on this nigga. They tell me that I need to cut his azz off entirely b/c he's not giving me what I deserve. But, I cain't do that. I love this nigga 'til death. I've neva felt the way I feel about him for anybody else ever before in my life. I've neva been in a relationship b4 b/c you just don't jump into shit like that. Me fall'n in love with him def'ntly caught me off guard. To get to the point, he don't share none of the same feelings that I have for him...or maybe he does? Who knows...but every time I threaten to cut him off, he gets hysterical and

tells me he doesn't want to lose our friendship. I'ont know...its so complicated.



We use to be so fuk'n close - like some dayum super-glue. Then, time & misinterpretations got the best of us...now we both hold'n on to sumth'n w/two drastically diff'rnt aspects of what we're hold'n to. Me, I'm try'n to hold on to the ONE  that I KNOW is for me. A great friend & a perfect companion. Him, I think he just hold'n on to the attention that I give him. In a perfect world, we'd be 2gether. Sure, we'd have our problems like e'rybody else...but we'd be 2getha. I hold on b/c I always think about the past and the times we had then. I would be betray'n him if I just cut him off like dat. But @ the same time, I'mma person who feels, bleed, & cry just as hard and real as anybody else on this planet.



I feel so stupid for allowing myself to be DIS MUCH in love w/somebody that's look'n for it while IT's stare'n @ him in the fuk'n face. I'ont know yall...my heart cain't take too much more. Then again, me & this nigga been thru a lot of shit together in the relatively short amount of time that we've known each other. I cain't just forget about all of that...but on the flipside, I need him to understand that all that random shit he go'n thru can be eliminated if he would...just...let...me...make...him...happy.



All that back-n-forth is unnecessary...b/c gay, str8, cripple, or crazy...when it comes to raw emotion - ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE THE SAME. I know I can get any nigga I want or who throws himself @ me...but I don't want none of dat shit!!! I want ONE nigga...and DAT ONE nigga only!!! Shit, I must be a fuk'n lame! I'm in love with a nigga that don't even wanna see dat he got sumth'n great in front of him.



Is it possible to be in love/love somebody who just don't want it?



Any INTELLIGENT/HONEST insight would be greatly appreciated, thank you!