I caved.
I needed
to hear your voice again.
Now all I can imagine
are your lips on mine
like back then.
I need kisses like air
and here
I am suffocating.
They are like water,
but I'm parched.
I need them for survival,
and I'm barely alive.
I'm looking
at old pictures of you
and reminiscing.
Your strong arms
around me
and your smile,
my oxygen.
I close my eyes
and I'm back
in my childhood room
with you.
Your kisses, so deep
I fell into them
and haven't found
my way out of the abyss.
I haven't been kissed
like that
in many, many years.
My skin burns today
as I reflect
on the memory.
It's the first time
in a long time
I feel my heartbeat racing.
And I feel so alive,
and ashamed,
and broken.
Then I start shaking
as tears begin to pour.
What's wrong with me?
What kind of wife am I
thinking of another man?
You're the worst thing
to ever happen to me.
But you led me
to the best thing,
my husband.
I wanted it to be you so bad
that I was blind to the fact
that it wasn't supposed to be.
And yes, I'm so much
better off now,
I see it through my blurry eyes.
But my lips...
they still ache for you.
Maybe I'm just
reliving a moment
that never really occurred.
I'm caught in a loop
of desperate hopes never realized.
And maybe I want so much more
of my present reality
that it drives me to think of you.
Your kiss is a figment,
a diversion.
I'm imagining desires
buried within me
that you might have unearthed
once upon a time.
They are coming
to the surface again,
but you are not the cause.
You are just the byproduct.