A letter to myself

I value peace. Even when there is none. I’m always looking for it. Every day I look for it, the day’s pass by in seconds because all my attention is on the quest for peace, everybody moves in a blur. I feel as if the one in those videos where they are sitting still and the whole day is fast-forwarded around them. All experience is missed for there’s an obsession for an answer for why I am here, and what the purpose is. The answer never comes though. I have countlessly been asked by others, even strangers, if I am okay. I now see that such questions probably arise because I have such a lack of interest in what’s going on around me, where they are completely interested. I only have interest in what’s going on within me, such a tendency results in little conversation, and lack of contact with others in general. I rarely do anything because I want to, but because I have to, or need to, I have always felt that the demands of today’s world and society have always gone against the grain of my true desires within, these desires I cannot speak of, for they’re just as illusory as the answer to my existence is. Living this way poses practically no belief, except maybe that there has got to be an explanation or a reason as to why I am here. This question is my value….

Why am I here? How? … I want an answer…perhaps that’s the quandary, perhaps there is no answer. As I sink into some kind of realization, or try to move deeper into my value, some sort of resistance as if presses it’s hands against the sleek walls in attempt to slow itself down by finding petty wants, seemingly important things to attend to, demands that I must do this or else this, to as if slow down any recognition to a valuable substance, to truth and wholeness. Most times, this resistance feels more believable than my quest, and I get caught in a web full of insignificance that builds in my head. The weight again becomes too much and the web snaps and again I look for an answer, ignoring all the world around. I read a quote and it read…”There’s no better gift you can give to the world, than to realize the self”…I do not remember who wrote the quote, but it resonates in this moment.