Unrequited Friendship

I am sorry if this is the wrong timing but I couldn’t bare it anymore. My feelings had spent too much time harbored under the hard shell I call my pride. So now I must set them free, something I was afraid to do. But now I let go of that fear and begin to express my true emotions to you.

We met unexpectedly one luminous night. It was quite the experience. I left wondering if we’d ever see each other again. Hoping slightly that nothing would begin and hoping more so that something fruitful would emerge. I wasn’t ready to fall in love but I was ready for someone new in my life. Well, fate had her imagination upon her for she brought us together. We would talk on the phone almost every day. We were becoming friends, maybe even something more. But I wasn’t ready for that. I wanted the friendship stage to last beyond my normal desires. But it was too late. You already saw me as more and I was left behind. Honestly, it became a burden to have to explain why I wouldn’t budge, why I was so unsure of my feelings, why I was so hesitant to falling, why I had to take things slow. Only deep down the greater burden was in knowing that I was hurting you. How could I make you understand that I wasn’t what you were looking for? How could I make you comprehend that love is the maturity of friendship? But I’m aware it’s no use. No one can control the matters of the heart. You can hide, pretend, move on with time but never really command the heart to feel a certain way. The heart is stubborn and determined. That same case applied to me. I couldn’t help feeling trapped or uncomfortable knowing that subconsciously more was expected of me. So wished with all my strengths that you would move on and disappear from my life and I was granted my plea. However, I didn’t expect the consequences of that. At first, I felt an extreme relief, a weight lifted off my shoulders. Then I felt certain loneliness. Then I started to miss you. Finally you made me a poet. I was sad, in desperate need of expression. Meanwhile, we abandoned our talks and brusquely avoided the slightest gesture that would signal that we were aware of the other’s existence. It took time getting used to the shun and to the temporary hurt. But I could never get used to the profound silence. On numerous occasions, I’ve contemplated telling you how I feel whether it  be in person, by a letter, a poem, even an instant message but once I was interrupted I stopped guided only by the new yet resurfaced thought that it didn’t matter anymore because you have someone new and I must be one of your last priorities. I thought of how it hurt me, not the fact that you moved on, but the fact that you were trying to hurt me while I was kicking myself all along for breaking my promise not to hurt you. Even though it upset me, I don’t blame you because I know that reaction is only human tendency. I would’ve acted the same way under your circumstances. I understand it’s just natural and right now I don’t expect anything from you only absence in the present. But as hard as I try to accept this, to succumb to the situation, to move on while things are unsettled; it disturbs me deeply. I have no inner peace and right now I’m proud to say there’s no turning back. No regrets. I’m letting my inhibitions go wild and I’m daring to say all the things I wouldn’t normally. Because if not I would be safe, cool, calm, casual on the outside but screaming hopelessly on the inside and frankly I couldn’t tolerate it any longer. You told your friend you wanted to be my friend but no action or reoccurrence of the subject came afterward. Yet a few hours ago I got a taste of what your friendship might be like and I felt such happiness, such relief once more. So all I want, all I ever wanted was your simple friendship. Is it too much to ask? And it’s not because I want to be the bigger person it’s because at one instance in life you come to ask yourself, “Where is the love?” and you find that it in some occasions it just unravels, diminishes with time until finally disappearing. In conclusion, if you decide to wither away sailing out of my life I completely understand. Why?  Because you learned with me what unrequited love felt like and I can relate to that being one of the worst feelings in this earth. But I am here to prove you wrong and contradict myself. There is something that can compare to the horrendous feeling we call unrequited love. Some may not be familiar with this other emotion but I call it unrequited friendship.

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