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Sunsets and Other Innocent Things

and I finally find myself there
in that place I knew I’d eventually be
trying to barter for the feel of days
for a moment I can barely remember
with nothing to offer in exchange
except fragments of hope

there on my knees
begging for one last sunset
to bring sanity and peace to my soul
not wanting the facade of basking in
any more sunsets from today
that are indeed beautiful enough
but always end in long, cold uncertain nights

my mind had another agenda this night though
and there from an accusing stance
reason and logic took a new form
one of anger and blame
calling me out for each and every
sin and trespass I ever committed
-against myself
holding me accountable
for the nothingness that
I am now trying to trade

in my mind’s eye I see her/me
and I remember how innocence felt
how she/I trusted and believed so easily
in a way I can no longer understand
in a place I can no longer go to
in a time I can no longer touch
-like an old photograph

and then I traveled the whole of my road
from back then all the way to now
reliving each smile and each tear
imprinting my heart all over again
-the hurts were many
but I claimed my part in the pain
satisfying my mind’s need to be just
before returning to this moment

and here in the twilight of reason
I fall back on my knees
as tears shimmer my cheeks
teetering on nights edge
my soul pleading for one last sunset
-from long ago
yearning to wrap myself up
in the warmth of innocence
saving all I have left from the shadows
that stir cold within the emptiness
only to feel a time that was once mine
desperately wanting to remember
what it felt like
-just to be alive

©LadyRaine