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the testimony of tardy
I am a believer who struggles with several habits, hurts and hang-ups.
You're looking at someone who shouldn't be here. The doctors informed my mother she would not be able to have children, so being the God loving and God-fearing woman that she is. She asked God to bless her with a daughter, to which my sister Mammie was born. At the age of 5 Mammie stated “everyone else has a baby brother or sister and I don't have one” My mother simply prayed,”Lord, you hear that and before she knew it she was pregnant with another daughter... me.
Due to my mother's Godly mind she put us in bible school every Thursday after school, any vacation bible school she could think of and bible camp. The first year I went to bible camp I will admit I played around with God. I felt him and ignored it because I had better things to do like jump on the trampoline, and play in the pool. At the age 9 that same bible camp this time I chose to follow Christ. My mother without me saying a word knew it when she picked me up that Saturday. “I prayed you'd find God at this camp and not just think of it as fun and games. I can tell you made a decision to follow Christ because you don't look like the same daughter I dropped off. Christ truly does beautify the meek with salvation”. She said as tears of joy ran down her face and she hugged me.
My mother Luteaner “Tina”, my aunt Flossie and my older sister Mammie had and still till this day have a profound influence in my life and life choices. They never judged me due to my oftentimes inadequate decision making. They would just say that they were praying for me and that I knew right from wrong.
You may ask yourselves what about my father. Well... he was Jewish, an alcoholic and chose to take his sexual frustrations out on me as a child and teenager when my parents divorced. That is why I spent 10 years of my adult life feeling hatred towards him. Our conversations consisting only of answering machines to the tune of “dad it's your daughter Shirley Lynn this is my new number i'm stationed at such a place and got here safe. Or “Shirley Lynn this is your father happy birthday, or whichever holiday it was.
My father knew God, but didn't KNOW God. Life being ironic after my first 10 years I left active duty to come home to finish college work, still serve as a reservist and of all things take care of my ailing father. At that point he was about to marry wife #3 and so me being the child, I left him in her hands. Only to see them divorced 4 months later.. Soon after he was on to wife #4 and I lived right up the road and could barely see him because she hated me with a purple passion and had had no qualms telling me and others about it. They were starting their divorce when he took extremely ill and I found myself racing from Newton to Hutchinson one Easter morning, beating the ambulance that was in Hutchinson to Hutchinson Hospital. I can now tell you that two days before, I spoke with him and told him I forgave him. There I was in the house I shared with my mother and sister seeing tears in my father's eyes and asking God to forgive him and come into his heart.
A lot of things happened while I served my country. I went to the first gulf war, and panama. Not to mention other numerous places. Those were some of the good things. I made some lifetime friends that will always have my back as I theirs. Climbed a mountain without ropes, went skydiving (the Army way), repelled out of helicopters, felt invincible, however, the bad followed not too far behind as it sometimes does. I was raped and sexually harassed by my Section NCO and other men in my section. I sodomized and raped by 2 female soldiers on several occasions and when my sexuality was questioned I was then raped by certain men in my unit. Turning them in I had things written on my door, numerous inappropriate phases like “ nigger, bitch, traitor, and then was told that real cops don't turn on their own and as Military Police we definitely don't turn on our own. I became a member of our unit's SRT (special reaction team). During training one night while we were in a tunnel I heard the distinct sound of a 9mm charging behind me to which I turned around and told the person. “pull trigger, it will keep you from raping me again.” Thus began the drinking, overeating, and sex addiction.
I would drink 10 hours before a shift knowing the then rule was “no alcohol 6 hours before duty.” I spent my free time when I wasn't with my then boyfriend, working as a mistress in an underground BDSM club in New York city. I got to the point where even when my boyfriend and I went to the city I would hope I didn't run into any of my clients because then id have to explain to him what was going on. I would order pizza and other things delivered to my room to eat, lots of fast food thinking if I became fat then no one would want to nor rape me anymore.
I went to my assigned reserve unit and moved to Newton where my mother moved after my high school graduation. I then was so downtrodden that I thought I could find love anywhere and that I could be in any church, for God didn't care about me so why would I care for him. I mean he allowed me to be raped , sodomized, and drink to no avail, so why serve him anymore. I also had some other bitterness that shaped my life. I got involved with Scientology, Wicca and was seeing a married man who was my slave to mistress role in my relationship plus having a boyfriend on the side who said he loved me however when I left the church of Scientology cursed the very ground I stood on and informed me I was a horrible person who should never be involved with him due to my leaving “the church”. Dad leaving wife #3 my sister and I left Scientology and moved in with my father while furthering my education. It had been ten years and although I hated the thought of staying with this person who took so much from my childhood and made my mother, his wife cry at night due to his indiscretions. The man who when I was born wasn't there because my parents were separated and my mother would watch him literally leave their house and go down the street to his girlfriend's house. God saved my life inside my mother. There was a day while she watched my father leave that she chose to end her life and God spoke to her saying. “I've given you this child and you asked me for Mammie. I will bless you to get through this.” She went away from the balcony wept and prayed saying she would never do such a thing again.
As you can tell during my teens through early thirties I walked or rather ran away from God like a bat out of Hades with its wings on fire. During this time I got married and went through the stillbirth of 3 wonderful children which , I call my angels. I was with men and women and when things didn't go my way and I felt like I was numb I would cut myself. I tried to terminate my life functions several times. I drank heavily. I didn't do drugs because in my mind I pictured trying something, it killing me, and my mother praying me back alive just to kill me again.
While I spent my time sprinting from God, one thing always came to mind. It was a simple seed placed by certain women in my family that I mentioned earlier. “We're praying for you, you know right from wrong.” There was no lecture about my decisions or being told I was going to hell because I was doing everything I wanted to do and then some, just a simple phrase.
I will tell you that, that phrase added to the simple “we don't know what's going on but we're praying for you” from a dear God-fearing and God-loving couple here that I love and respect, an almost 30 year friend saying she was praying for me with the agreement with God and my family and a simple invite to Riverpoint Church assisted in bringing me back to God. The first service I came to I was still involved with a woman and it was a not too comforting relationship, however as I sat there spinning what I considered was my wedding ring around my finger, I heard. “love holds no record of wrongdoing.” it was then asked if anyone needed prayer. I begrudgingly went forward as God tugged on my heart. I would love to tell you that during that service I rededicated my life to God. Nope, it took quite a bit of time, in the meantime... being a church going, bible knowing from childhood King James Version hypocrite that I blamed the very God who was trying to heal my brokenness. I went to my womens life group on Mondays, church on Sunday, worked security and literally played the role of a believer. All the while staying in an ungodly, emotionally abusive relationship where I was invalidated for others validation. One day while playing the role I was listening to K-LOVE. A song called “the motions” came on. I listened to the words once and it hit my heart, Lord if I were to die today I would go to hell. Even with the tugging on my heart I turned away, then it was played again the next hour, then the next. Like one of my fave songs by J Moss says.” hit me upset the head, I mean like you ain't ever hit me before.” It hit me then and there. I was so busy going through the motions that what I thought was in the motions touched my real motions. I cried and asked God to come into my heart that day. I ended that relationship that day. I quit drinking that day. I've served Christ every since that day. I won't tell you that I haven't had moments where I've had to come back to God and say forgive me again, however I am a believer who struggles with lots of hurts, habits and hangups and know that God can and will get me through everyday even if I stumble and fall.
