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God I really need your help on this ...

If I talk to people about what is bothering me even if it's other belivers I'm wicked.

I'm confused God.

if you can't talk to people then you are being isolated.

Yet your word says to assemble ourselves together.

Seek Godly counsel.

It's like if I try to stand up for myself I am wrong. 

Something doesn't feel right.

Lord help me.

I don't want to go to hell for being evil but I also know that I have been taken

advantage of all my life on so many levels because I was the nice caring good person. 

I still struggle with certain things now and people are upset with me lately because I have decided to set boundaries.

ministers telling people to stay married in abusive narccistic situations. come on. WTF. forgive my military language I just don't see

my God condoning that. 

Yes I have forgiven the leadership person who lied to me and used that moment that they said they were going to apologize as a publicity moment.

I really need to pray and see if this is where me and my family belong. 

I don't want to go to a country club church but I also don't want to be involved in another cult either.

I wish my sister was still here.

We are still at church because she went there. i don't know if I am still loved there or not.

I don't know if I feel safe there and that bothers me. 

I want to be free

I want to be loved.

I want to be safe.

I don't want to be judged because how dare I'm getting married to a white man and I am black and that's an issue.

I don't want to be invalidated because I don't hold a title because I'm not going to be what others want me to be.

Like Joe said if people really knew my background things would probably change but they look at me on the outside and I wear 

tennis shoes to church with my dresses because I work with the homeless and I know that oftentimes they can't afford to dress up.

I'm not going to allow them to come into the church uncomfortable because they don't have it. We are all people. 

People look at me as a single black mom living in low income housing and assume uneducated low class black mother. 

Never actually taking the time to get to know me or my life.

Some people know that I have been an ordained minister since 2004.

Some people know a little bit about my educational background and miitary background.

my life has not been easy.

I have had God as my personal savior since I was 9 years old and even though there were a few years I went away from him. He has never left me.

I'm still studying to get clarification after last night's bible study. i remember hearing a lot of well I don't know but I used to. I still struggle with things. So apparently according to that I'm wicked, even though I show fruits daily that were mentioned or I would've just went off on certain people by now. It isn't about home training it's about the God and Holy spirit in me. 

Lord I really need clarification.