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I am Ugly
I am ugly,
I am unlovable,
I am soiled,
I am not human.
Men have taken from me more than I can give,
From the moment of birth my life was for others.
It never belonged to me.
My body and life was never mine.
At age 8 I was not allowed male friends,
I was told the dangers of men at 8,
But never explicitly.
I was to keep my legs closed because men have no control.
Because I was ugly, I was warned.
I would soon grow into myself.
And men would like that, they would like me.
But I was unlovable,
I was soiled,
I was not human,
At school, I would play tag with girls, avoiding the boys,
Meanwhile my stepfather was taking something from me that he had no right to take, from the age of 4 to 10.
But I did not matter, I was ugly,
I was unlovable,
I was soiled,
I was not human.
I grew into my body, slowly, but sure enough to see.
At 12, men leered at me on my way to do laundry, commenting, catcalling.
My prepubescent body somehow appealing.
Their eyes wandering. Hungry.
I knew the houses to avoid, the ones that were rumored to steal your innocence.
My innocence was gone the moment I was born.
But it did not matter.
Because I was born unlucky,
An object.
At 13 a boy slapped my ass in school,
He was not suspended.
Boys will be boys they told me.
Ugly girls do not get taken ,
They are not violated,
Because they are unlovable,
They are soiled,
They are not human.
They should be grateful.
I should be grateful.
Men have taken more than I could ever give.
Willing or not.
Cousins experimented with my body and I could not say.
My word was no good against theirs.
I live with the guilt that everyday I am soiled
Unwanted
Unlovable.
I know this is true
Because I was born female,
I was born an object.
My first kiss was when I was 18.
Touched against my will by so many others but never kissed, never loved,
My face was not appealing as my curves, so it was ignored,
Or maybe seeing me would make me real, make me human.
That kiss was unwanted, a close friend, unasked, disgusting.
My voice has been drowned out by so many other voices. I cannot speak my mind.
I am frightened to walk down the streets
I am terrified of love
Because I am unlovable,
I am soiled,
I am not human.
I am an object created in lust,
My face is not attractive,
But not only beautiful girls are violated.
Ugly girls are easy
Because we are unlovable,
We are soiled,
We are not human.
I cannot change who I am.
I was born without a voice
I was born without a choice,
I was born without an identity,
I will die that way.
