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i miss you
ways i try to make it better:
1. remember details of you
the way your two front teeth overlapped each other
the way adobo tastes
the way your hair was 3 different colors
which words would greet me as i arrived home from school,
steadily getting more high pitched
in excitement
2. tell myself there is nothing i can do
which is true
you are in a bag on my bookshelf
waiting for my fingers to sift through you
you are in my blood
and my skin
and my head
you are in the water
and in your mother
and in the sky
i spread the ashes of you across highway 80
on the mountain by my house
in the keyboard at my work
in the atlantic ocean
3. make my life a life you would have wanted me to live
and send my gratitude to you;
to let go of negativity
breathe in mindfulness
the sunlight in the morning
the chance to change
this is the chance you gave me more than once
4. and
on some days,
i try to tell myself that you wouldn't have been
all that i imagine you might be, to me-
everything i need
and then i realize that is a lie
and my heart breaks
i need you and you would make things better
you would talk to me and you would understand
yours is the voice i want to hear
i miss you so much sometimes
i don't know what to do
why couldn't you be here
