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my voice
after spending almost 600 days in this room
i remember what it feels like to be alone
i remember this voice in my head
after untangling all the other voices that grew
to be so much a part of me that they were me
and only are shed from a long stretch of silence and
these 10 feet walls i sleep inside
it is a long cavernous hallway in here and
i don't know where it ends
i don't know where to turn and
i argue with myself
the futility is filling the space
with a deafening lack of words
i barely remember what it felt like to be connected
i reach back for people but i told myself that was a bullshit way
to avoid the silence
so i am steeping in silence
and feeling pretty dead, pretty cardboard, pretty empty
i don't know how to speak the simplest truths of my soul
or create the truths there with actions
i am talking myself in circles here and laughing
a bit too loudly even for my own eyebrows to raise
at the echoes
time becomes layers and layers to sift through
impossible, unreal
as if it never happened, a ghost memory
a parallel reality or a movie with too bright lens flares
i am not strong enough to stop feeling this way
to avoid the long hallway
to stop doubting myself
the only way to solve it is to find the strength
where is it?
