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you perch on my heart
strings and never move
weighty; secret and scorned for being
secret 

i decided to live
you left me and i decided to live again
to close my eyes to the devastation and start
with the bricks at the bottom

but sometimes i wish
instead of damning me
instead of keeping me, closed mouth,
from this man who is trying to love me
love me maybe the way you couldn't 
you could bless me
you could sing your tune to the air
convince him its ok that you loved me once
show him it is you who have breathed into me this resilience he loves
show him i learned from your scorn and your softness
tell him i have let you go but remember you still because
it is not wise to forget

you perch on my lungs
sleep and never dream
of allowing me a breath
i lie for you
i pretend i might not have promised you
everything
like i did
because we all want to front that our lives are based
on the 1
when over and over again we promise
why must i lie about your presence in my veins?

i asked him to tell me
their names
because they are part of his story
his body touched theirs;
they are part of his story
he said no; he forgot if he loved them
i don't want him to be pressured into telling me
he hasn't loved
i can feel in his hands that he has loved
i can feel in his eyes his wisdom proof that he has loved
usually this damns me
but i want him to know
i forgive him for loving before
there is nothing to forgive
i can learn to breathe through my jealousy
i can relearn my instinct to clutch him to me
and pretend hes only mine
i want to create shrines to him and all that made him

you perch on my hands and i hide you
but why must i hide you?
you were the wonders of my world-
why can't you bless me?
why can't you be as pure and innocent between us
as you are in my heart?
you were the wonders of my world-
he is the wonder of my world
why can't you take burdens?
instead of piling on bridges that must be fought on?
to cross?
sing to him the tune of your forsakenness
tell me your sorry 
show him i was built on your goodbyes
and your brown eyes
tell him to forgive me for loving you
tell him to love me for loving you