Page, I am too sad to write.
But you cannot hold me.
And I am finding, more and more often,
that open arms do more damage than good,
and even deep within them I feel like crying.
I felt like dying today.
For no reason.
This is the saddest tragedy, that I wander
through each hour with a fake smile on my fake face,
and tell him and everyone that things are ok.
Things are not ok.
And I knew I would hate falling out of love with him,
because right now I know
they never were.
I have been this person forever.
Today I kneel down and close my eyes
as he moves I try not to cry.
I remember instances before when I felt the same,
every day. Every fucking day.
And I miss him. Truly, without any other words floating around about
my pain, what others will think and say.
I miss him with all my heart and still believe
he is the one for me.
Decipher the antecedents.
Page, tonight, I am so tired.
Every day too sad to write anything worth while.
Everyday I come here and try to be as real as possible.
Let me tell you, I am failing.
My words mean nothing anymore.
I can't even tell a story thats not mine.
And its pathetic. And the worst thing is,
I know its pathetic and I can't change.
I hate everything I do but couldn't stop.
Who would I tell, but you?
I have no one.
I squandered everything I ever loved for nothing.
I am so weak that I did this,
and so weak that I cannot render myself dead for it.
All I want is to die, page.
If god was real I would pray to him everyday for it.
He's not, and I still do.
Nothing overtly horrid happened today.
I went to school and laughed.
I hung out with my boyfriend and we did not fight.
I saw many friends and smiled at them.
But page I hold it all inside.
I love no one.
I never will.
I have only loved one person in my life.
That person is here but so far away I can't hear her anymore.
I'm sorry.