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Frightful Struggle
Concentration
Motivation
Creation
Lack there of
But this poem comes first
Words of mine take priority over theirs
I deny conforming
I lose my passion
While they gain their pay checks
My counselor tells me I should speak to them
Tell them that my father lost his job
Tell them that our health insurance has been snatched out of our hands
Tell them that I've gone back to a job I love
For reasons I hate
Tell them that I didn't just become 20 on my birthday this year
No
I became an adult
I became responsible
I became the last hope
High school diploma
Check
Bachelor’s degree
Processing, expect delays ahead
Master’s degree
Heavy turbulence, estimated arrival time
Not available
As I formulate these words and my thought process calms
I get jumbled
It’s not a moment of ADD
It’s not the hormones jumping around my brain
Like sperm sensing a vagina is near
Jumbled thoughts in the sense that I’m
Young
Yesterday seems so far away
But yesterday I wasn't a kid
Today I dissipate into the swarm of students
And workers
And somebody's
Slithering onto the bus
That will charter me to a future that I did not plan
Tonight I will slink into my bed
Hugging the bear I've had since I was too old for Barney
Curling into the cold, empty, paper thin sheets
Feel my pulse slowing as I enter sleep
I will dream of the dark times
I only ever think of
That never really happen
Until they actually do
What you choose to see of me
Depends on what you’re looking for
If you open my soul
And take a peek inside
You will be blinded by light
I could joke and tell you that it’s filled with rainbows and unicorns
That’s what I’d say to my friends
That’s how they know me
But really
This light is my guide
And without it
I don’t know my purpose
Yet even though I know where it is
I don’t always know
My purpose
If I’m helping my parents pay the bills
If I've aged myself purposely while the rest of you are trying to look younger
If I’m sacrificing my grades in classes that should matter more than anything to me
Then really
What is my purpose?
Concentration
Motivation
Creation
Lack there of
This poem comes first
These words take precedence
I dream of the day I’ll sit in the front of my class
And be able to say “my students”
But I shake my head
Because I’m not ready
I can’t practice what I preach
I’m morphing into a woman who needs guidance in getting her predicaments into an order that tells her which one comes first and second and third and fourth and fifth
Baby steps
An adult body
An adult brain
A baby comprehension
A massive jolt of caffeine cannot even
Cannot even solve what I must complete
If at first you don’t succeed
Yeah, you know, you try, try again
But until when?
