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Forever Failed Myself
I follow him up the stairs...
as I have so many times before.
I am not aware...
of the situation in which im about to endure.
His voice is loud.
I've been crying all day.
I laugh at how he stumbles around...
he slurs every word he chooses to say.
A kiss never hurt anyone...
lust is burning in his eyes.
I figured we'd just have our brief moment of fun..
I never expected a part of me to die.
The clothes start hitting the floor.
I keep saying 'no.'
He holds me as he has so many times before...
but his intentions...if only i'd have known.
He presses his hips into me.
The temptation is too much to handle.
I push him as far away as he could be...
but i fail his alcohol driven scandel.
I sit in the bathroom as the tears rain.
The only good thing left of me..
runs down my leg in shame.
I yell for him to come and see.
He sobers up in a heartbeat...
then begins crying like a child.
I laugh in ignorance at my defeat.
Thoughts of suicide were more than mild.
He cries on the phone to me for hours.
I yell at him for what was done.
I spend endless times in a scoulding hot shower...
begging for this to come undone.
Everything I ever wanted died that day...
as did a large part of who I wanted to be.
I 'fucked' him, as my enemies say..
but thats not how it was for me.
I would rather crash my car...
into a tree while going too fast.
Than relive that moment by far.
He was my first...and my last.
You dont know how this pains me.
However, he does.
I wanted to wait for someone I loved truly...
someone more appreciative than he was.
He will never understand fully what he took..
how I had waited for someone else.
I'll never forget the hour or the look...
in his eyes the moment I forever failed myself.
