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"MY DEEP S88T (With Ketchup) part 2" by bipolarschizo33 4 Husband In Transit
"My Deep S88T(With Ketchup) part 2" by bipolarschizo33 4 Husband In Transit
As a friend, I don't know what you think of Jesus but could you pray for me.
Thats how I know some men are selfish pigs,
I test them and ask for a prayer or mention Jesus and all they can bring up is SEX.
I know men have this mindset of Work, Sex, Eat, Sleep but women are so different.
Honestly, there is no psychiatrist or psychologist alive who can help me.
I spoke to a bisexual psychiatrist once and told her of all my dysfunction
and even in the published book I wrote,
if you read it very closely the character based off of me has sexual issues.
I'm very odd Sir.
I'm like one step away from a Nun.
I'm bisexual but I'm not a big fan of body parts
and when it comes to relationships
it eventually has to be mostly about body parts.
Something about that incident when I was 4.
Its like, I'm trying so hard to keep people sacred now
but by doing that they will never date me.
Also, I don't want to be that woman at the end of the line
after a man has tested out his sex skills on 10 other women
treating them like blow up dolls before he gets to me.
I don't like that "sowing his wild oates" expression.
That Clint Eastwood guy was a womanizer until he was 50 years old
which means he had to sow his wild oates up until then
and neither God or any human alive could tell him he was wrong.
I wish I could sound like more of a lover then a mother
but I did have a misscarriage once
and I don't know the point of that
because its like God trusted me enough to test me
so the question is, will I be a mother in the future?
Maybe not.
I took too many wrong roads
and I should've taken the right road 10 years ago.
I should've focused on a career and never on men.
At least I would be a crazy woman with a job,
instead of a poor crazy woman.
I'm rich with gratefulness towards God,
but I can't be a damn Nun or something-
thats not in my blood
and men do confess to me like I'm their damn sister
but I can't help them.
I do bless people though.
All my life,
and the only one who can really see me is God
because he will always see my soul first
and men will always see flesh.
The only man that will truly love me
will see my soul first always
which means he will care for my feelings.
Men seemed possessed around me anyway
and I don't want to be a temptress,
I just wanted to be something real and wholesome.
Who truly gives a s88t about kinky?
I'm not trying to win a contest and it won't save my soul.
My soul weighs 5000 pounds by the way
and I was hoping to find someone
that has enough heart to help me carry it.
Not like I can marry Jesus though.
Some people told me to go a different direction for love too,
but I can't.
I held my young nephew Azeem in my arms during Christmas of 2011
and he is beautiful
but I can't bring myself to be with a black man
because I freak out.
I hyper ventalate even though I know they are innocent.
I should work somewhere that deals with babies though,
I've always been good with babies
and since I may never be a mother
I should work at daycare if someone will hire me.
I had some sort of meltdown in 2011
and I'm having trouble getting back on my feet.
I tried to ask God to take me
because I have disgraced him
and I was so angry that I stooped to the level of my enemies
and I signed papers instead of walking out of Wal-Mart quietly
and now my career is toast and I may never get hired again.
My soul is all I got left
and I wanted it back from Wal-Mart but I went about it the wrong way.
Usually to conquer enemies
you kill them with kindness or you must do it quietly
and leave no traces of anything that can be used against you,
its just common sense but I was too clouded by anger.
I left a paper trail
because all my life I felt no one was going to love me
and I needed proof that they hated me
so I gave love letters to the wrong people
and one of them turned out to be married
and he turned me in and he had hate in his eyes.
I knew this man hated black women
and he would never love someone like me
so I gave him a love letter on purpose
like a medieval soldier going to the enemy and having a ceasar moment.
I let him kill my career
because I felt lonely and hopeless
and everyone was treating me like a circus freak.
How does God watch all these things?
I don't care about going to Heaven that much
and I never wanted to be tested this way.
God may be right
but what he has done
seems like the most selfish thing in the world.
He seriously hurt my feelings
by putting me in a world that will never love me.
Doesn't matter if I love people
because God knows people use my heart against me all the time
because I wear it naked on my sleeve
and I can't hide any emotion.
I've been used up and tossed away like trash since the day I was born
and I have suffered through many health issues.
But my soul has screamed so loud it can shatter every window in the world.
Then Jesus popped up and wanted me to calm down
and I hurled 11 years of anger his way but he said DON'T!
and then I saw an image of what I had done to him
and then I wrote a book.
Jesus carried 7.7 billion problems on his back
and I have a 5000 pound soul
which is the equivalent of 33 souls put together-
so when I got angry Jesus took notice.
I know God probably made me for a very responsible reason
and I might be trying to fight it.
But if I was born to be a healer and cast out the demons from others,
I'm far from that
because it seems I just entice them instead
because they sense I am selfish
and my prayers haven't been answered
so it makes the situation vulnerable.
If God told me that I would be the one to save my husband through prayer
and constant kindness but by his terms only,
I would be grateful for that.
I've been to hell and back at least 10 times
and then I went underneath hell (which is insane like a death wish) to get my heart back
and I came back very different but God had faith in me the whole time
and I preached to some people in Aberdeen, South Dakota.
A man there and all his fanatical friends practice dark magic
and they claim its God but I know the difference
and they treat immigrants like cattle
and while I was there for 6 weeks some people mysteriously went missing.
They even tried to brainwash me but there was no use
because I meditated deeply with God the whole time and he gave me signs that he was there.
Apparently I have a gift to read energy
and sometimes I have visions
but not lately
because maybe God thinks I should rest from it
or maybe he thinks its not necessary now
because I know what to look for this time
and I don't need visions anymore to point out wicked people.
Besides, I learned my lesson the hard way for the last time
and God did warn me before I went to that town.
I want love so badly that evil people used my own heart against me
and I let them.
I paid that man over 5000 so I could hear him call me Picadilly Petunia
and make up fake wedding plans
and sign divorce papers only to be told "NO WAY" after the money ran out.
This man looked exactly like Jesus
and spoke with a tender voice like him
and I looked him right in the eyes
and asked him did he know he was possessed by evil
and he said no.
I commited adultery one of the nights
and he probably did that on purpose to try to brainwash me
so I could keep paying him.
Then before I left the town they were still trying to mess with my head.
They said they had a friend named Jesse who was single
and had a Native American adopted daughter
and they thought it would be better for a black woman like me,
to be with him and I was hugely pissed.
That whole damn town is the Devil
and unfortunately any immigrant that goes to that town will get swept up in it.
The town speaks of Jesus
but by the time people notice that it has nothing to do with Jesus,
its always too late.
People come to America looking for a fresh start and a beautiful dream,
only to find the opposite.
That circumstance was my last attempt at a death wish.
And as for my STD,
God warned me of that too.
He warned me every time and I decided to tempt fate.
I thought I was so invincible at the time
and no one else would touch me
but the Devil always will touch anyone.
Heaven and Hell have one thing in common,
they both are in the business of collecting souls.
Thats it.
My biological grandmother told me not to worry about Revelations
and any religion and just live my life-
but I was raised Baptist Methodist in the first place
and even though it saved me from other problems,
it also became my biggest problem
because it was used against me.
But my soul still weighs 5000 pounds
and I know it can take one hell of a beating
and I said GOD OWNS THIS WORLD out loud all the time
and my enemy better take a hike.
Hell ain't got nothing I want.
NO BARGAINING CHIPS
and Heaven pissed me off by putting me here in the first place
because its selfish.
God should know I love him
and God owns hell because he created it.
So he owns hells fire too.
He owns the Devil and I won't forget this.
God owns me too.
I'm one tough cookie.
But I have to call on Jesus to fight my battles
because I act like a soldier always ready to fight
but it was suppose to only be mental if it comes to that.
I use to be a bully in elementary school
and sometimes I still remain a bully with words.
I try to be a lady
but its more foreign to me then anything.
I'm a ghetto woman but its no excuse.
I was hoping one day a man could prove me wrong and say
"Oh, you been to hell and back 10 times.
That ain't nothing.
I was living there so long I was moving in furniture before you were even born
but now you saved me Sharee.
You saved me because God gave you the heart to save me.
You never judged me
and you know of my wicked past
but yet you hold me and sometimes I still scream in the middle of the night
but you pray for me every day and then I feel better.
And one day we will enter Heaven together
because you saved me and we will be happy together.
I thought I was dead in flesh and in soul
but then you came and you stayed
and I told you lies and hated you with all my might
and I pushed you away with all my might
but you kept coming back like a champion in a boxer ring
but you wouldn't fight me
and you didn't want the title------
you only wanted my heart.
I dished out some mighty blows
and you took them all because Jesus gave you the strength to take it
because your soul is so heavy with armor from Heaven.
You tried to protect me and I was your enemy the whole time.
You just would not stop loving me and I cursed your name as much as possible
and you blessed my name as much as possible.
I became pitch black and I thought my heart was dead
because I lost everything that mattered to me
and then you came around-------
this bright burst of life that is the most impossible thing I ever experienced
and I told you to leave and find someone else-----------
I was a whore for many things
and still wanted to be a whore like usual
but even more this time
because you turned me on
but that was lust
and I wish to be in love
because you saved me with it.
God can smile at me as I smile at you
and I thought he would never do that again.
You are my little minx forevermore
and truly God's daughter through and through
and he made you for a man like me
and I swear he was crazy that day
but I'm glad he was.
He is truly full of mercy
but you didn't even believe him either until we met face to face
and even then I scared the s88t out of you
but you prayed your a88 off to make sure,
and everything is still ok.
You may not have children with me
but we have given birth to time itself
and time can always grow between us
and time is forever our child in this life and the next.
My love will be enough because I experience it truly for the first time
and I will not hold anything back-
so if it makes you fall head over heels for me,
its ok to stay down because I'll never go anywhere.
We are one soul now, finally complete."
