PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I don't want to remember.



For the past ten years of my life, it has been full of pain, heartbreak, disappointment. I have wanted to escape so many times, but there was always some small reason to stay. Fear of death, fear of what I would leave behind, someone who needed me, a friend, a love. However, the reasons would leave just as soon as they came. I'm not quite sure if I pushed all the reasons away, or if they all left on their own.



but tonight, a silent, lonely night- it just feels like enough is enough. I don't care anymore. One of the above reasons is still in my life, which I am ever so grateful for, but at the same time, I am still alone. Tonight is not a night I should be alone.



Its Christmas.

So I should be surrounded by family and friends, and those I love. Yet here I am, completely alone, writing this out.



I just got finished reading 13 Reasons Why and I have to say its got me thinking about all those things I used to think of. I've been depressed off and on for the past 8 years, for the past few years near constantly. Many times I contemplated that regretful word; suicide. There were a few times I planned it out, a time or two I attempted. Nothing major, and no I am not going to explain the scenes.



Tonight though, the thoughts keep crossing my mind. I wonder what people would think, how they'd feel. Unsure that they would even give a damn. Not even my family. We lost my uncle this way, I still remember that day so vividly, and I miss him so much. If only we would have intervened.



Maybe I just don't deserve an intervention; or life.



There is not a whole lot I am sure of. Everything is pretty hazy. I went from high school having a good group of great friends, that I hung out with when I wasnt crazy; to now having not a soul to talk to on this day that is supposed to be full of love.



I'm easy to be forgotten.



I know only two people who would really feel anything if I disappeared; and thats because they have said so.