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Chapter 13



As I spent my days writing in my journal, I slowly grew tired of reliving the events of the last few days. I decided to write about what I remembered of my past. That was not much better. One night as I slept on the porch of that abandoned house, I had the most awful nightmare. It involved a friend of my father’s and me when I was no more than five years old.



This man, Steven, was doing things to me like James had done. Touching me in ways I could not understand as a young child. Telling me to do things that were wrong for someone any age. When I awoke, I couldn’t understand why I would dream this up. I hadn’t so much as thought about this man in several years. Why did he suddenly appear in my dreams?



Then it dawned on me. I heard the voices of my doctors when I was diagnosed: “a traumatic event usually triggers avoidant personality disorder, but it’s possible the child has forgotten this event as a coping mechanism”.



This was the event I never recovered from. What haunted all my days although I could not remember it. It was too painful to remember. Until now that the memory was relived.



Back then, what happened to me was unknown and undeserved yet still damaging. I cried and cried wondering it this was my punishment. Then I realized I was preyed upon by Steven because I was lacking in certain ways. One, because of my learning impediment it would take longer for events as traumatic as these to register. This acted as a washing away of all the evidence that would incriminate Steven. Two, my parents would never have believed that something like this could happen to me. It was enough that I was the child with all these defects. If I added anything else to the pile of problems I provided them, their lives would topple down.



James took advantage of me because I was easy. Not in the way other girls are “easy” but because no one would take my word over his. I was an easy target.