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Confiding in the Confines
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Prose/Short Stories I was their biggest mistake
And they remind me everyday.
A burden placed on me since birth:
Having to keep a family together
While I myself am falling apart.
All the while, I tried to find myself
Outside of the confines of my home.
Since I couldn’t be the most beautiful
Or have the most likeable personality,
I relied on what came naturally
Or at least what could be perfected.
But I found myself in dwellings
In which my qualities weren’t accepted:
Where intelligence was preyed upon
And shyness made me an outcast.
It became my home away from home
For, since then, that’s all that has defined me.
And when I didn’t measure up
To these self-imposed expectations
They looked at me disappointedly
Like I wasn’t allowed to be less than perfect
Although my very existence was a mistake.
And that label followed me all my life,
To the point, I could no longer recognize
My own reflection in the mirror.
Among those, that knew the “real” me
Was my closest confidante growing up.
We were made from the same cloth
But torn off from opposite sides
Both with frayed edges though unalike:
One too careful, the other too careless.
And somehow we missed the transition
From childhood to maturity and also
Lost each other in the process.
She didn’t confide in me when
Her careless mistakes caught up with her,
And she had a decision to make.
Her final choice was found behind
The walls where heartbeats are silenced.
She made the same mistakes I heard about
All my life but with a different outcome.
I swore I would learn from their mistakes
Even though until now they hadn’t.
However, promises were broken.
I found myself this time in the arms
Of someone who revered promiscuity,
And despised my decision to save myself,
Like by throwing away my dignity
He would end up being my savior.
The only thing that really rescued me
Has now been trying to imprison me.
I kept looking for someone to save me
But I searched in the wrong places.
The ones I deemed worthy of my trust
Were the ones that ended up betraying me,
While the ones who are in fact worthy
Are the ones I turn my back on.
Despite the fact I betrayed them,
I still wanted them to take me back.
Though they did, things were never the same.
But there was one in which I could still rely;
For when the other relationships were broken,
She was there to pick up the pieces.
But now she’s no longer trustworthy.
She spews judgments I don’t want to hear
Even though I know she’s right.
And now that I’ve lost confidence in all,
I have nowhere else to turn.
God has always been my back-up plan,
But I haven't hit the ground hard enough
To let Him free me of my confines.
