I see her and think that I could possibly lover her and yet I know it’s not reality.  I can not be true.  I do not possess it in me to be faithful.  I am submissive to my Mirabella, my muse. I am depraved of human necessity as an addict.  I get my fix of vision and splatter it on a page.  I try to be a painter splashing images across the mind of the reader.


At this point, I fail.  I am not the writer I aspire to be.  I can not be.  Je trouve moi foi mais. . .It’s the same thing.  I do not find the strength or the courage to commit.  I lay down awash in fantasy; too lazy to transfer it to the concrete reality of paper fearing affliction of Duchamp’s curse.


It is a pathetic circle that I continually swim.  I am going round and round in a sea filled with sharks.  Eventually I shall be devoured.  It is a feeling that I often get.  I do the death.  I see the lifeboat but it’s so far away.  I wonder if I’ll ever find the strength to swim.  My arms are weary and my brain is flooded.  Swim or drown is my reality.  I can choose to swim but my fate is still threatened by the presence of the sharks.


It is not entirely up to me.  I can not control everything.  There are obstacles in my path.  The current is now pulling me in the other direction.  I struggle against all odds.  I realize that the greatest obstacles are figments of my imagination or creations of my sub-conscious fear.


But let us not Freud out here.  The picture I paint is not quite as desperate as that.  I can still float along.  The weights pulling me down are not great enough to defeat me.  There is still faith and fight.  That faith burns in my soul and produces adrenaline rushes to give me a second and a third wind.  I can not sink.  I will not sink.


The imminence of failure is besides the point.  The question of lost potential is meaningless.  Life is sacred—at leas my life is to me.  That is the one saving grace I have.  That is the only saving grace I have.  If I sink then so be it but it shall not come easy.  The struggle is one of eternity.  Swim or drown.  That remains my choice.  Swim or drown.  I shall swim until I finally reach the shore.



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