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Lost
With all that's happening in the world, this feels so irrelevant, and maybe I'm losing my grip on reality, but I'm in the deepest throes of inner turmoil that I've ever been in my life.
the greatest jihad is the jihad of the self, that inner soul that clings to this world. And I never realized just how attached to it I am, until now. My faith is being tested and at times I feel that I'm failing. I'm clinging on to this world for comfort, not knowing how to just let go and let God. For the last few days now, I've been waking up with this strange smell that wafts through my nose, it smells sweet and like flowers, but better. Idk why the smell of musk comes to my mind. I'm smelling it on and off as I type this. I don't know what it means, I hope it doesn't mean I'm going to die. I've been going through a lot, though I know it could be much worse. My Palestinean brothers and sisters have put things in so much perspective me. But still, I can't stop this feeling I get sometimes. Yesterday I was looking through my email for something I needed from last year, passport style photos, and I came across some old emails from my old best friend. He was reminiscing. I don't remember reading g them, but it was around the time I was taking my bar exam. They were opened. And the emotion he was feeling, or expressing, in them. I feel now. But the strange thing is I don't remember almost anything about any of the events he references. And when I read my own response, I don't remember the soul who conjured up those words. I feel like I have completely morphed into someone else. Someone who holds so much unhappiness but I don't even know why. I don't know when I became like this. I felt like I had this inner light before, and I don't have it anymore. I felt like I had excitement, and I don't feel that anymore. I feel burdened now. I feel on the verge of tears always. I feel stressed out and scared almost always now. I'm so unsure of myself. I'm trying to take steps to be a better person, but along the way, I feel like I got it all wrong. And now, in the deepest depths of this test of mine, I'm finding myself wanting to run away from it all. I don't want to do good, be good, or do the right thing. I'm being tempted by this world again in a way I never felt since Throwing myself into my faith. I trust God. I believe Him when He promises this world won't deliver. I do. But have I approached life all wrong? It feels like I have, and it's manifesting through my health. Will I ever get passed this? The smell keeps coming in and out of my nose. It smells so sweet. Plz God help me. I'm broken down, I'm afraid, and I'm moving backwards in my mind. I need help. I've started to say that more now. I need help to save me from myself
