N is not for nothing but for "Nick"


Here's a poem I wrote. 

Title: N is not for "nothing" but for "Nick" 


I couldn't sleep. I felt down so I came out and came on the computer planning to hit up a friend that I had gotten into an argument with about 3 days ago. I had said to him I was letting him go. It's said "If you love something let it go, If it comes back it's yours, If it doesn't it, never was and it's not meant to be" So that's what I was doing. But feeling the way I was feeling I NEEDED to talk to him. When I got onto my Facebook this is what I saw. "I ain't goin no where. I promised that" That put me in tears. When I needed him most he came to me. He never left my side even if we felt like we hated  each other. I feel horrible at times because I know he has others to go to. But for me he is the only one I know I can trust. I fear he may have come back out of pity. But that may not be the case. I guess what I'm trying to say is Thank You Nicholas. I know I can always come to you. I know I can always tell you everything that I'm feeling. But at time I really don't want to because I don't want you to feel like I'm your responsibility. You  were there when no one else was. And as I'm witting this I'm crying. Not out of sadness, but for the simple fact that at my lowest moment this is what I had opened my Facebook to. Nick I don't think I could have asked God for anyone better then you. Your amazing. And at time I know you feel like shit because you don't always know what to say. But here's the thing. Sometimes you don't have to say anything. Sometimes you just have to listen. And that's all I needed. My whole life I just needed someone to listen. I had a few here and there but they always left. They always gave up on me. But it seems like no matter what type of hell we put each other through we always come back to each other. If I had to believe in faith I think now would be when I would believe in it. Our love life has been a disaster. I know that. And I'm so sorry for that. But the simple fact that we keep coming back to each other is a sign. Now I'm not saying we should get back with each other(Frankly I don't think my boyfriend would be to happy about that idea) but what I'm saying is maybe we should just take it one day at a time. As friends. From the minute our relationship started all we ever did was try to be lovers. Maybe that's not whats meant to be. Maybe it's not US that's not mean to be. You've done so much for me I wish I could pay you back some how. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. For one I know your mother hates me. But dammit Nick I don't care! I will brake every rule in the world to see you. To hang out with you. To go get ice cream and sit at a park and laugh our asses off as friends. I've always wanted that bond to where no matter how many miles separate us we will ALWAYS keep in touch with each other. We will always help each other when we need it. Nicholas I'm sorry for everything I've ever put you through. I'm sorry and I wish I could fix it, I swear I do! But God made this world so you make mistakes and you learn from it. He made it to where you can't go back in time because he also made us strong enough to pull through it. I brought a blade to my skin so many times because there wasn't a Nick in my life. I brought a blunt to my lips to escape my reality because I didn't have a Nick in my life. I didn't have a Nick to cry on. I didn't have a Nick to call at 1 in the morning to vent. I didn't have a Nick that was so persistent that he refused to leave my side. I'm not saying Nick is perfect. He has his moments as well. But those flaws aside- No, even with those flaws I would never want to change my Nick. I will do anything to make my Nick happy the way he made me happy all those times. Even if that means having to sit back and watch him fall in love. Even if that means to sit back and watch him hang with a girl I don't like. I don't care what I have to do to make my Nick happy. I will bring the moon to him if I have to. Why? Because I know he'd do the same to me. I made the mistake of taking advantage of him many times. I was being selfish and never took his feelings into consideration. I guess because I was so used to having to hide myself behind a wall of defense, that is was so hard for me to except the fact that what I needed all along was Nick. At time I hated him. I hated him for caring so much for a  broken girl. I hated him for trying to fix a broken girl. I hated him for caring for someone who barely cared about herself. I hated him for loving a girl who couldn't love herself. I hated him for being there for a girl that just couldn't be there for herself. I asked him all the time why. Why do you care? Why do you insist?!! Sometimes he would simply answer to me with a "it feels right" answer. Sometimes he couldn't answer me because he didn't know himself. But you know what I don't always expect him to have an answer. For he is just as human as the rest of us. I don't blame him for not always agreeing with me. I don't blame him for saying things that hurt me. Because in the end he'd always come back with a band-aid and make my boo boo all better. I never thought a broken girl could be fixed. Maybe she can't be fully fixed. Maybe I can't be fully fixed. But you know what? Nick took Gorilla Glue and stuck some shards of my broken soul and put them back together. It took time. It took sweat. It took long hours on the phone. It took paragraphs written to me on Facebook. It took tears. A lot of tears. From both of us. It took elbow grease and it took blood. It took dedication. It took defiance. Even when the world was telling him to give up. Even when his gut told him to give up. Even when his friends told him to give up he said No. Maybe I'll never truly understand why. But you don't need to understand to accept. He showed me a love that I never got from anyone else. It was like family, friendship, and lovers all bundles up. The type of love he showed me broke down my wall of defense and took my naked crying soul and wrapped it in a warm blanket. Every dam piece of it. He didn't care how bad I looked. He didn't care how dumb I looked. He didn't care how utterly ridiculously in love I was with another girl. The love he showed me didn't change one bit. He accepted me as a person. Even if he couldn't fully understand why I did the certain things I did. But can anyone even understand why they do some of the things they do? It was hard. I know it was hard for him. I know at time he just wanted to give up and say "Man fuck this girl" but the amazing thing is that he didn't. I was told I was strong. But I thought in my head no I'm not. I took the easy way  out of things by slicing my skin and getting high. I envy the strength Nick has. He did everything on his own. Without doing what I have done to escape. He never tried to escape. He always stood his ground. He was like a man that could never be moved.When he sets his mind he will do it. And I believe he will make the most wonderful husband. An amazing guy like him deserves the most amazing wife. With the most amazing kids. He deserves to be happy. Doesn't everybody? Everyone says Karma is a bitch. But Karma has two sides. Just like everyone else. The side everyone sees is the bad side. But I believe her good side is even better then her bad side. And her good side will bless this boy. He's 15 and he's already changed someones life. I can't even start to think about what he will accomplish.


My advice to you is, if you have a Nick in your life don't ever let them go.  For a "Nicholas" may also be a "Nicolette"

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