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Felix Kemp, the Earthquake (Short Story)
"I am a man reading the newspaper." - Felix "Earthquake" Kemp
The above mentioned quotation may be seen as far too insignificant to cause a self-deluge with gasoline, but the contrary stands true, so prepare the matches. These seemingly benign series of words uttered by a man named Felix "Earthquake" Kemp inside a public bus have remarkably shaken the foundations of chronicle reading etiquette forever. After his confession, Felix Kemp vigorously shuffled his spread and made no effort in actually reading a single word, to the shock of those around him. Felix Kemp is a bus-rider by day and a foundation-shaker also by day. No day is exempt from his foundation-shaking, especially not the day of this "Newspaper Event" (a label now widely accepted by the Evangelical community). His confession resulted in a man discarding groceries from the window, another man finding God, and a young couple getting off to have a pre-planned dinner with the parents (a small detail being that the parents were made of cardboard). Had not the outspoken Felix Kemp intervened in day-to-day matters, no such instances would have ever materialized.
To add to Felix Kemp's groundbreaking manifestations, the following day, when a top hat asked him a question regarding the nature of his destination, Felix Kemp's eyes turned hostile. Firstly, a top hat was speaking to him, and secondly, the assumption was that his destination, the bus itself, was common knowledge. In hopes that the perpetrator would skedaddle, Felix Kemp decided to play dead, but like a plague, all other passengers dropped as well, including the driver. When the bus drove off the bridge, Felix Kemp hit the pause button and started over. Re-living the prior hour, Felix Kemp leapt from his seat and caught the top hat sneaking into the bus by wearing a human. Felix Kemp then decided that his best course of action would be to stop pretending top hats had speaking abilities. Success! For saving the day, the passengers gave Felix Kemp a standing ovation.
The next foundation-shaking happened the following day. Felix Kemp purchased an extra ticket since the other had creased slightly. Upon returning to his seat, he fell and hit a baboon in the stomach twice due to his amateur fin-walking abilities. Recapturing his wind, the baboon gave a flabbergasted glare, for one of Felix Kemp's eyebrows had fallen to his cheek. "Hey, what's the big idea?" confronted the baboon, knowing eyebrows were called eyebrows for a reason, not cheekbrows. This startling realization added to the already endless pile of foundation-shakings, which to Felix Kemp, was typical of the day.
Since then, Felix Kemp disappeared from public eye to undergo extensive voyeurism training near an unspecified ladies room. He will be remembered as a philanthropist whose contributions to society were of no value, as to deem even writing about him a senseless and moronic undertaking.
