She Came to Earth Instead

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She almost never allowed herself to indulge in self-pity or any of its attendants; dissatisfaction, desire, ambition. But once-in-a-blue-moon or by some planet's being in retrograde or in an astrological position which causes whatever miasma it rules to rise to the surface for clearing, did she let herself fall into the abyss. At the bottom of this particular pit was a mire of rueful annoyance that she felt she had been making crappy decisions since birth. Hell since even before birth when she had supposedly picked her parents during that long walk through the dark valley after her last death ~ "be not seduced by the twinkling lights in the distance, look away, look away", the lampbearer forwarned, the pointing out of which immediately sent her propelled toward them ~ "oops looks like your going back to Earth" ~ then on to the field of writhing bodies, uncountable couples in coitus ~ "here is a selection of future parents available at the moment, choose wisely", with a snicker, the shibboleth slid from between his sneering lips, as she was of a magnet drawn into the womb of her soon-to-be-mother. Didn’t seem like she had had a choice at all, instead her next cycle was made ready for her by a volition other than hers, a conation unbeknownst to her that this incarnation was a result of a vow taken long ago, in a lifetime now forgotten but with karma still active.

She wondered often why she had been born to these people, and if it was indeed by her pick, she always felt she had done faulty; the man, a self-proclaimed atheist who denied the existence of an Almighty until the final beat of his heart and the woman, a devout Catholic whose faith was constantly tested and found to be lacking, looking everywhere other than the cloud heights for the salvation that was never to come. Their 50+ years of  marriage was a silent theological contention, the undercurrents of which left their only child ecclesiastically unmoored, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise. When their dyings came one after another, she felt considerably lighter, as if she had been carrying someone else's burdens along with her own. She heard it said that one doesn't really grow up until both their parents were dead. For her the "up" being a reclamation of supernal territory invariably lost at birth. As it eventually became apparent, the elements she saw as defective in them became the brick & mortar foundation of her spiritual house; the unequivocal acknowledgment of a higher power and the incontrovertible importance of the generation of faith. And what of her placement here when she could have chosen anywhere else in the universe, some nice friendly planet where the inhabitants were gentle and refined, not like this one where people were always using and abusing each other to sort themselves out, but not in the least bit aware that was what they were doing. As she herself was unaware that the capacities she considered curses would prove to be useful devices which served that long forgotten bodhisattva vow. Thus the ability to hear the thoughts of others and view the buried traumas which caused their behaviors and to understand the underlying meaning of their words when they spoke in vile tongues became the means by which she learned the many psychoses and neuroses that plagued mankind and the methods by which they could be resolved. It was to this purpose that her fall back to Earth was self-ordained, the path that once on, cannot be gotten off of, the walk one is unable to walk away from until all beings are free, returning again & again because nobody gets left behind for truly we are in a one for all, all for one situation.

   

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