The Alpha of Longing

   

In the neighborhood where I was raised, a modest circa early-70's suburb located half-way between Washington DC and Mt. Vernon, peopled with transient military families and middle-aged couples with nearly grown children, there lived a lady named Esther Johnson. A stately woman in her late 60’s, not particularly pleasing to the eye but decidedly self-possessed, Ms. Johnson was retired from a banking job in which she had been assistant to the head of a large financial institution in Alexandria. Her home was well-kept, full of exotic knickknacks she had obtained on her many travels abroad, her yard beautifully manicured, flowery and verdant green against the house’s Hyacinth blue facade.   

I remember asking my mother why was Ms. Johnson alone, did her husband die? She told me that Esther chose to be alone. That she had received several offers of marriage but refused them all. Up until that moment, probably around the age of 10, I had just assumed (or was it conditioning) that all women got married and had children. When I think about it now I wonder that, despite the grand example of female independence proposed by Ms. Esther Johnson, I deigned venture into the Land of Priapus - playing with boys, chasing after boys, making out with boys, guys and then men which quite frankly hasn’t turned out so well and has left me with a perplexing question... Why is this aspiration to merge with another, not just any other, but a SoulMate TwinFlame PerfectFit, so deeply ingrained in my subconscious when it is not to be attained? And will I ever be able to extract it?  

   

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