Irreconcilable Differences: My Divorce from Kink Toxicity

DaddyO's BDSM

by DaddyO


It's very difficult to repent when you are unsure of what you've done wrong.

I am a good communicator. I have high expectations for communicating boundaries from my partners.

The kink community prides itself on high standards for negotiating and respecting boundaries too.

But for some reason when there are accusations by people who have been hurt there becomes this huge disconnect from the community. People seen as "abusers" are shunned, ignored and ultimately banned from events.

I am one such person.

I am not overly abusive. Like most assertive Dominant males, I'm sure I've done many abusive actions inadvertently, but I've always learned from them when they've been pointed out to me.

In the writing a former partner of mine wrote of her experience with me the only advice I got and was supposed to change was on things that were untrue. I can't do things differently that never happened.

Though I'm supposedly exiled from the local community, I am still here on FetLife quite open and willing to consider practical advice for different strategies for improving myself and interacting with play partners.

Yes, I still have them. No, I'm not going to become a hermit like those who've been rightly accused of abuse.

Despite this openness and willingness, the only correspondence I've had have been friends' encouragement who are too scared to publicly support me; strangers condemning me for things I didn't do; club owners and party hosts notifying me that I've been banned; and others simply suggesting I "give it up" because the perceived damage is too immense.

My friends list was huge. Soon it will be tiny. I used to care, but no longer. Friends and enemies alike know what I say is true. Enemies just don't want it to be, so they interpret my motives as "predatory". Others find the "anti-DaddyO" bandwagon an easier ride than coming to my defense yet again.

Despite an apparent edict from my detractors for me to be able to read the minds of my exes, I don't expect anyone to know my mind but myself. Still I know my heart is one full of love and caring towards those I've loved and cared for.

There are many out there who know the real me is not the monster my tarnished reputation makes me out to be. A lot actually.

Many claims were blatantly and categorically false, some were half truths and still others were real mistakes I carelessly made and have made amends for, but lingered for ten years while rumors continued to circulate and morph into things much more heinous.

My kink journey has been a solid progression of improving myself substantially among my trusted friends and mentors, but to my detractors this growth was seen as some kind of subtle ruse I was doing to "trick" everyone into thinking I was a good person. Yeah, how fucked up is that?

This is what gossip does for ten years to a person in a community of people who don't believe a person can change. Well my apparent superpower is that I can change. And I have, many times in my life.

I continue to work on myself. We all do. My biggest challenge since all of this has been shifting my focus away from trying to help broken people; a trait I always kinda found inherent in the "daddy" role. Broken people with mental health challenges seem to make up a very large percentage of the women I've dated. Unfortunately trying to love and care for them is viewed as predatory.

The irony is, while seeking fun kinky adventures I never learned how not to be seen as "predatory" amidst the whole of FetLife who were also seeking fun kinky adventures. Somehow other people's frolicking in the sex club and dungeon scene was not considered predatory whereas mine was.

I can be both creepy to the degree of "freaking someone out" and comforting to the degree of making things "less awkward" to the very same woman. See where my confusion lies?

The only way not to be seen this way is to no longer "seek" out. But that's just not going to happen until I'm in a committed relationship.

So if I'm so unwanted in this community I see no reason to force myself to stay. It appears many are happy to see me go:

Those I've joked with by telling jokes they didn't think were funny.
Those women who've caught my eye but didn't like the fact that I expressed my desire towards them.
Those who approached me who I put in the "friend zone".
Those who didn't like the fact that I prefer the company of younger women.
Those who asked to submit to me then decided that it was too difficult despite my rules, "tasks" and expectations being minimal.
Those who were unable to express their desire to leave me because they were poor communicators.
Less than a month after my breakup with "E" and "the Princess" I sent a FetLife message to the host of the local submissive woman's munch asking her for strategies on how I could approach submissive women for play without appearing predatory. To this day I have never received a response.

When the leader of your local submissive women's munch refuses to respond to a question as important as that one then you start to understand how the practice of open and direct communication is missing in our kink community.

Those who've come to me honestly and openly are the people I've respected and learned the most from.

I just find it odd; you supposedly want predatory behavior squelched but you won't explain to a supposed "known predator" ways he can do that?

My career was indeed a kinky adventure for many people. I was a happy gateway in for some and a sour "Hell no!" for others. Ya know what? That's what kink collectively is to the masses. It's not for everybody. But yet I was the one blamed for "scaring newbies away". Sorry, there are also a lot of people who are in the scene because of me.

Unfortunately I no longer have the freedom to practice such adventures in the safe environment of dungeons or sex clubs anymore. Not that my bedroom isn't safe, it's just not exactly the exhibitionist's stage where I honed my craft for eleven years. Nor is there now a community for me to be accountable to and bounce ideas off of when I do make mistakes.

I used to think the key was being open, honest and transparent in my actions and motives. I was this way with all my partners as well as with the "community". If you're on my friends list you'll see all my writings (that used to be public) proving this.

Look where that got me. I'm now sadly a "cautionary tale". I'm literally forced to be stealth. If I'm so predatory then how is that good? If I'm not predatory then why am I banned?

I may no longer be in the real world community anymore but I am still available to answer questions and for those who dare, for private intimate play.

If you have triggers and trauma from past abuse I don't want to play. I take that back. I probably still do, but if we do, be aware that I will probably abuse you too. It's just neither of us will know about it until way after the fact; especially when that trauma is causing you to not communicate or see my motives as something other than loving or caring.

You see the stuff we do in BDSM is abusive. I am hitting you. I am overpowering you. I am pushing you. I am having rough passionate sex with you.

If you are unable to communicate with me your boundaries when we're engaged in such activities I am indeed abusing you.

If you are unable to express a clear and concise "no" then I am indeed "preying" on you.

You see I can't sense your "no" when you aren't saying "no" and you yourself are "asking for more".

Yeah that was actually what E said in their writing.

Ten years ago "You do what you have to do, Daddy" was affirmative consent that I learned is not enough.

So I started playing with enthusiastic consent.

"Asking for more" is indeed enthusiastic consent. Nobody noticed that in their narrative, did they? Nonetheless I'm still seen at fault by this so-called "community" of kinksters.

So yeah, I'm done with "the kink community", but still happy to have friends and fun.

If you engage with me in any way be aware: a lot of people will advise against it. Stories morph into whatever their skewed narrative dictates them to be.

HARD LIMIT: Poor communication
Don't listen to whispers. Look with your own eyes. Ask with your own mouth. Stop gossiping and go directly to the source.

Consent is NOT subtle.

Enthusiastic consent is LOUD AND CLEAR.

Nonetheless in a community where even enthusiastic consent can be revoked months later and essentially turn a decent man into a monster, that's a place I just don't want to be.

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