PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

I've always felt that I have a very good memory. I have a knack for recalling certain actors/actresses from movies. Oddly enough though, I have a very little account of my childhood. I've always remembered feeling different and unlike the other little boys though. My first crush was in kindergarten, it was on a little brown haired boy with a blue race-car backpack. I was so innocent then I didn't know what the term homosexual meant. I drew hearts around little boys and girls on my kindergarten class photo.That must've really confused my mother if she didn't already have an inkling that I was gay.

I was a heavy-set child with rosy cheeks. I always consciously felt bigger than most other kids. I wanted to be like everyone else because I thought if I was just like them I would'nt feel so alone and different. I had a few friends growing up though I don't remember their names. I remember playing mostly with other girls. I've always felt more comfortable hanging out with girls,I didn't feel threatened by them. I've always been drawn to art and reading. I remember asking my mother to teach me how to sew and cross-stitch. I think that's how she knew that I was who I am today. My family is very artistically talented on both my mother's and my father's side. My mother can cook,sew and do anything arts and crafts.My father can draw beautiful houses and do caligraphy.

I remember always drawing something or making something. That's how I liked to express myself and pass my time. I'd spend hours and days pouring my soul into a piece of art-work. I'd make little stuffed animals out of my mother's material scraps. I liked turning a bunch of nothings into something.I liked to challange my mind and my creativity. I remember going over my grandmothers house and staring at her fridge. I was fascinated by the plastic-canvas magnets my aunt Annie had made for her. I just thought they were so beautiful and original. I started doing plastic-canvas for a bit found it to be a cool hobbie.

I grew up with an older brother Benjamin,we are complete opposites night and day. We were close as children, though we did go through the typical sibling fights and quarrels. I don't have many fond memories of my older brother but the ones I do I keep close to my heart. One Christmas from the past he got a brand new Sega-Genisis with game cartridges. That was the top of the line back in the 1990's you were the shit if you had one. We played sonic the hedge hog and mortal kombat for hours on end. I remember Saturday mornings were the best. My mother would make a big extravagant breakfast and we'd eat together and watch our cartoons. Life seems so ignorantly blissful as a child. You still dream big and you just don't know any better about what things life has instore for you.

I've always been a Mama's-boy, my mother is the number one person I can always talk to about anything.She's always there lending me a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen. In middle school I was 6' feet tall and 240lbs. I was the tallest and heaviest in my class. Kids can be so cruel to an outisder or to anyone who is different. I got teased and got called fat-ass and baby huey.I had very low self-esteem and didn't fight back or stand up for myself. I thought as long as I remained quiet I wouldn't be seen or hurt. But in reality I was the giant pink elephant in the middle of the room. Honestly I hated going to school because of the bullying and daily taunts. It wasn't all that bad though. I had my own clique of unique friends,the misfits clubs. We'd spend our recess sitting out in the grassy fields making daisy-chains and making eachother laugh.

If middle-school was tramatic then High School was a living hell. I was still heavy as a freshman. Nothing had changed I was still trying to dissapear into thin air. Ironic that still nothing was remotely thin about me.I remember always having my black security sweater. I niavely thought that as long as I wore it I'd be safe and conceal how plump I really was. It doesn't make sense to me now because the more layers you wear the bigger you look. I've always loved 80's music and then I remember falling in love with The Cure. I was at a CD record store and came across their "Wish" album, I was imediately hooked. I related to his lyrics and longing of past loves. Seventeen at the time I still hadn't ever kissed someone or had a boyfriend. Around the same time I fell into the goth-culture I dyed my hair black and started experimenting with makeup.
This is when I learned that it was actually more fun to be different and the outcast, I took it and ran with it.

I remember having alot of friends in high school. I loved hanging out with the nerds,girls,freaks and fatties. In a way I identified with every single one of them. I was all of those things. We'd waste our lunch period talking trash in the library.Being shy and overly self-conscious I never ate luch in the high school cafeteria. I figured if I starved myself I'd look thinner.That was a sick self destructive game I started playing with myself. I remember this little openly gay goth boy in my Spanish class named Alex.He had no inhibition and said whatever was on his mind at the time. He always wore marilyn manson T-shirts and painted his nails with purple varnish.I wanted to be just like him but I was too afraid to. I sat infront of a another goth in my government class. I forgot her name but she always wore crushed black velvet dresses,thick-blacked rimmed glasses and was obsessed with Nine Inch Nails and pinching me. I think she was the first girl that ever had a crush on me. Funny how we never see how attractive we really are until someone else does.

Fastforward to my Senior year of high school I had a nervous break-down. I was going through too much at the time. I still wasn't open and excepting of who I was. I was scared that my mother would reject me because I was gay. I thought I'd be hurting her because my father was gay too. I just couldn't focus on my studies or anything, I was so afraid and felt so alone. I didn't want to live in a world wear I felt I'd never find love or exceptance. I fell into a very deep depression and never finished my Senior year. I spent my days sleeping on the couch and crying for no good reason.Soon I pulled myself together because I didn't want to be a loser who never finished school. Granted I know that certain people like Cher never graduated High School but that just wasn't for me. I wanted to give that to my mother, the pride that her son did get his Diploma after all.So I enrolled into an alternative High School for troubled and difficult kids. I didn't last there very long I had made some friends and didn't take my classes seriously. I would sign in do my packet and then be bored for the rest of the day.

I did meet one of my best friends there though her name was Julie and she was a goth who secretly loved the Backstreet Boys. She was full of life and didn't conform to the mainstream natually I was fascinated by her. I walked up to her and asked her bravely if she liked Marilyn Manson she said hell yeah and Rob Zombie too. I then told her You're my new best friend then she laughed and that was the beginning of our friendship.She made algebra alot more entertaining. I still can't do Algebra to this day give me numbers or letters just not both of them together.We'd spend our period talking about music other classmates and our Algebra teacher, he had a very rat-like face so we called him "Splinter" off of the character from the cartoon "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles". We'd often disrupt the class and would be threated to be removed. The more our teacher got pissed the more his face scrunched up and looked like Splinter. Those were fun times.

Continuation School was'nt working for me at all so I stopped going. Around this time I started hanging out with my other good friend Jackie. She was also a Marilyn Manson fan and was a tough butch lesbian. I used to like to think of her as my personal body gaurd. I was 18 at the time and she took me to my very first gay club called Oz. I vividly remember a picture we took outside of Oz she was dressed gansta-butch and I was in all black of course. The only thing you saw of me was my pale white hands face and the whites of my chucks. I remember looking at these two chollo's grind-dancing with eachother. You'd never know they were gay if you saw them on the street. I found it hilarious and tried to keep a straight face.
I spent most of my time being a wallflower and getting my feet stepped on, but it was a new experience none-the-less. I had finally made my way into the gay scene. Inside though I still didn't consider myself good-looking enough to be part of that world.