Author Information
An April breakup
Prologue
This series documents some of the feelings I felt when I broke up with my girlfriend this year. The break up was hard and fast I had to pull myself together. My of my questions were unanswered while writing and this is probably the first time I hurt this bad while writing. Cold in April was very true to the way I felt, it's hard for me to read it because it was so real and personal. This summarizes the rise, the fall, and aftermath of a relationship... my relationship.
Prequel
It was a simplier time, baby I can still smell your scent
My gift is'nt my present, It' seems to be my past tense
Have'nt felt the same since, a ghost occupies my arms
What preludes a storm, sometimes is a euphoric calm...
It’s been a long time coming
4th of July, it’s kind of funny we’re here
Alone at last, as our passion for one another sears
It’s time for me to do what I’ve been longing to do
I always just wanted to simply touch you
I wondered how you felt, as my imagination runs
I never knew this day would finally come
Where I wouldn’t have to hide no more
The things I wanted to do and say to you
You see five years ago it would have been taboo
In your young eyes I saw way beyond your age
The prophecy of being with you has me so amazed
So many times if you could’ve read what was on my mind
I just wanted to be next to you, it just wasn’t the time
If we had crossed the lines, they wouldn’t have understood
I just wanted you while you were pure and good
Before life tracked mud through your snow covered grounds
Your forest had no movement, no whisper or sound
I told you I would come for you, fate has control
Just lay in my warm arms of trust, when your insecure nights are cold
I’ll be your haven from your previous rain
Let me see you again and I’ll promise you’ll never be the same
Now our chance has come, your embrace feels like I imagined it
Your head lies on my chest as we quietly sit
So into you, the movie I easily ignore and forget
A feeling of climax and we’re not even home yet
Finally alone with you, I pull you close to me
Us being together is how it is supposed to be
Through her long sheer dress I see the silhouette
Of her pretty thighs, she is classy, sweet a little shy
Take off your glasses and let me see the iris of your eyes
Our lips join, and it’s like I dreamed they’re soft
The moment was like a ship in the sunset sailing off
Come closer sweetie; press your lungs on to mine
As I stimulate your body and your mind
I just want to make your spirit shine
I want you to one day have my whole heart
I want it to be special when your legs spread apart
Just lie on top of me and be free of your tears
It’s been a long time coming, baby the time is here.
Cold august
[b]Let's just sleep in ( with audio)
http://www.poetofpain.com/video/letssleepin2.mp3
Let's sleep In
Picture a rainy winters morning
You and I yawning
Precipitation sings us a lullaby
As it beats on the awning
It's quite calming to have you here with me
All the hustle and bustle of the week we just flee
just be and marinate, exist in this and bask
You under the covers with me, I wish it would forever last
We kiss touch and laugh, we can lay naked in a hot bath
make love like we are oblivious to this world of wrath
Sometimes it's a task just for me to sit still
Running all week I need that soft body to feel
In you I want to spill and fill up your pink chasm
I want your eyes to burn through me in the heat of an orgasm
lay with me, let's relax our spirit and our soul
rest your soft breast on my chest, you I love to hold
rub your bottom so gentle, her face illumes
you wrap those pretty legs around me and spin me in your cocoon
in this room nothing beyond our window is there
not only our bodys but our minds are bare
stripped down to nothing but our breath and our heartbeats
After we make love, together we fall into the deepest sleep sleep slee sle...
Coldaugust
When the sun goes down
As the sun goes down and no one's around
There is a certain peace, that we've seemed to found
It's early spring so a cool breeze blows through my window
I softly touch you from behind
start the path to gradual crescendo
I want to ascend slow
Like foreplay has no end though
I kiss the arch in your back, I love how you bend yo
Sensuallity rekindled, my hand start tempting it
Every grain gets attention in her hourglass, our touches feel infinite
I still want to put a limp in it, but with patient ease
I want penetrate with love, the beauty is in the tease
I caress you while you're on your knees, I want to hit your right keys
I want to play you a southern song, and have you completely pleased
I see you crystal clear because my pupils have adjusted
She's heaven in panties even before I thrust it
Trust and believe I can't wait to take them down
Caress your bottom while your knees they're around
Touch you in places that make your passion sear
Touch you in places that make your irises disappear
It's clear that this is special, let me hold you for a while
While i'm inside she says she wants my child
Her legs around my waist and we're face to face
We tell each other we love you, as our lips we taste
We embrace and I just admire her naked shape
We create an airtight bond that nothing can escape
This place is so serene, I want you to be my wife
We find each other in darkness, when the evening is devoid of light
Relax baby, In the spirit let's be one
We blow out our candles, While God slowly dims the sun
Coldaugust © 2006
Tears held Captive
Her tears are held in bondage and I don’t know how to set them free
The ducts have become frozen so her feelings will hide from me
Unconsciously lie to me and tell me nothings ever wrong
Her story seems like a hidden song
I Struggle with patience, my persistence sometimes is prolonged
Just want a place to belong in her heart but she’s not ready
Something stole her joy, something weighs on her heavy
Flood of emotion just won’t break through her fortified levees
Not even Katrina can break through, only when she’s ready
Ready to release them free them from that gland in your eyes
They seem to become more locked away whenever I try
To reach out to come close, far way seems that ultimate trust
The ability to deal with things hasn’t been oiled, it’s gained much rust
When we touch I feel like want to breach their pressured damn
Visions of down the face they ran, she finally says here I am
Baby I know it’s hard, Baby I know you’ve been scarred
I know I’ve been looking for miles when I should start with yards
So far so close sometimes her expressions seem comatose
This unfortunately makes me give her an inquisitive overdose
Been trying to embrace the pluses and not focus on the minuses
I know we need time with this, to break the bars off of your irises
I know I have set back and let them do their sentence
Everyone has something do deal with that might require repentance
I know you’ll come to me someday and lay your head on my chest
Yeah I have a nice shirt on but it’s worth getting wet
Let go of your past and release burdens and regrets
Its okay to vent and it’s okay to get upset
We’re all human and no matter how much you hide
God knows all of the turmoil that goes on inside
Someday when we’re one I know you’ll be at peace
Together we’ll joyfully weep, tasting the salty fluid on our cheeks.
Love you.
_________________
The chasm of lament
Baby, I know it seems hard, I know you had enough
You just want to throw in the towel sometimes
Losing your father at a young age
Being in and out of foster homes
I feel a anguish going on inside you
They so locked away and far
I know it's there though, I know that beast
Somewhere deep in your chasm of lament
There is a blank sorrow in your eyes
That makes me want to cry sometimes
It seems like sometimes your devoid of emotion
Longing for your saturated clouds to rain
and fill your healing reservoir
God will replenish what has been taken away from you
I know you feel like no ones there
That reallys makes me sad because I want to be your shoulder
My shoulder remains dry theres no sign of precpitation in your eyes
Tonight you asked me why me? why?
Don't lose your faith in him, don't be defeated
He loves you and has a plan for you
Baby this world is cold and we have to do what we can do to find shelter
Find that place our peace of mind is like an inner bonfire
Life can be a violent blizzard rapping against our noninsulated window
your slippin into the gorge of grief, the abyss of despair
Take my hand because as long as i'm around
I won't let you fall, grab it tight
I know can't solve your problems, the almighty has you
I'm still here anyway dangling with my hand out
because I love you, and want to see you happy
So hold on, and don't plummit
Don't plunge, don't descend
Into the lamented chasm.
Coldaugust 2006
_________________
Shutting down, again
Here we go again, my beautiful friend
Look at the mess that we got ourselves in
The places we’ve come from, the places we been
I thought we were going to make it
Guess I need to think again
So close so far, so distant so near
The closer we get from being so far
I guess in comes fear
Our blur seemed to become so clear
Once past the walls
You welcomed me in here
The refuge of your heart
That was once torn apart
You were always a cautious fly
Self aware of being caught
In that all to familiar web
That’s not easy to break free
The longer you stay it gets harder to flee
You finally started to take me in your arms
I looked into your eyes and told you I would do
You no harm why throw away all that we’ve built?
Is it something I said? I’m consumed with guilt
I beat up myself because you have seemed to leave my side
When you said you loved me did you lie?
You can’t be with me anymore, why?
No phone calls, no face to face, but a text?
If our love is close to death well let me feel your breath
Look into your eyes, when you play that final song
You closed me off from your world, so who knows what is wrong
We had our differences, but it wasn’t that bad
Was it in vain the intimate times we had?
Only you know why you disappeared from me
If only I can see what you see
If only you could open your mouth to me
Unleash what’s inside from bondage
I wish you could set it free
It’s in God’s hand’s now, to him my pain I send
I love her with everything I have
But she shut down on me…
Again.
Cold April rain
This seems like it's been a long month for me
Lost a job, lost a relationship, Lost some trust
Phone and internet isn't on so can't run to that
When she left I sit and ponder on my bed and
Just watch the motion of my ceiling fan
Solitude is a gift and it's a curse
My pen lays asleep, because I'm not ready
To see the reflection of my hurt
Cluttered and no more space for this thoughts in mind
Been gone for a little while I guess it's time...
It's been so hard to deal with the fact that you're gone
where did I fail you where did I go wrong?
My nights are so long without your warmth in my arms
Beside me in my bed is where you belong
I embrace her daydreamed ghost, baby please don't leave
I would give anything just to watch you sleep and breathe
I just can't believe that you're not here with me
The stained glass idea isn’t too clear to me
One day we were fine next day you change
One day you love me next comes pain
One night you echoed pleasure, in your memorable peaks
Next you disappear and I don't hear from you in a week
That week I feel like my spirit deceased
My eyes have become so dry, so inside I leak
So Inside I Keep, too filled with pride to weep
feeling this way makes me feel so weak
So I try to lock it deep
But doesn’t work, need to stop lying to myself
She was going to be my wife I don't even want anyone else
why did she rush me? I wanted the same thing
By the time I said something she didn’t even want the ring
Did I kill your dreams? I should've been more sensitive with my words
Telling you to slow down, your impatience did get on my nerves
Didn’t think you would throw me this curve
A Full plate of disappointment I just been served
I never thought that you would lie to me babe
I thought you would at least fight and try with me babe
Just wanted you to see the sunrise with me babe
I wanted to give you everything, but it's seems like nothing I gave
I let you down, is it too late now?
Did I let you slip away? Am I replaced now?
throughout our relationship we had many ups and downs
It tears me up not to know why you're not around
It's hard when you care and so much of your spirit you share
The feeling of a soul mate cannot be compared
Our love was the world, such a one of a kind make
My moon is lonely because your earth is now a void in my space
You're not there when I wake, so I quietly ache
A poet on the brink of sadness, and the cusp of being great
All this guilt I feel, right on the edge of my dreams fulfilled
I guess if your for me, that will be God's will
I will love you forever, one day you might again walk through my door
I give this hurt to you now lord, because I can't carry this no more
Tears you can come now... don't be ashamed
My clouds held this poetry, down comes the cold April rain.
Heavy
Heavy is how I feel
As I long for a numbing pill
To occupy my time
This hurt makes me ill
Physically, mentally, spiritually
I seem to just mope around
Trying so hard to keep my head up
When it’s fighting to stay down
No matter how tough I am
I feel it the by the second and third day
The first it didn’t seem like she was gone away
She seemed to have gone a stray
Without even telling me why
My sun battles hard to pierce this darkened sky
Lied? Or maybe tired of me? Baby I tried
We just seized our fire, now you’re saying goodbye?
Bye? You didn’t even said that, I’m suspended in time
You left me hanging like dry clothes in the rain
I’m really confused in my mind
Give me some closure; just want to move on with
Or without you
Heavy right now I feel, as I constantly think about you.
When it was good
I can remember when it was good
The sun shining extra bright
Radiating the warmth shared between you and I
A look in your eyes, the touch of your hand, the smell of your hair
Being with you, didn’t have a want or care
You know my day would be complete
Hearing that soothing voice, you are my only choice
Dining together, laughing together, relaxing together
Wow the pleasure feels like nothing else
In this cold world when I’m with you I can forget
The reality on the local news or CNN
Your arms feel close to the lord’s salvation to be in
So right, so wonderful, so loving
Our moments I wish I could extend
When I’m with you I wish time could bend
When things are good, I don’t want it to ever end
Just pretend nothing exists but you and I
Wave all the drama and our troubles goodbye
When things were good, heaven was in my palm
Don’t realize how good it was, until it’s gone.
Salvage Love
How can I reclaim that pure feeling when I’m constantly being took for a ride
It’s hard when someone being for you is one big lie
I’ve been trying so hard to not be that bitter man
As I see all that is gold don’t glitter man
You can cry a river man or have your heart cold as a blizzard man
Either way the trust for fall in love again seems to wither man
How can I regain those butterflys again?
Maybe I don’t want them if these beginnings to always have a end
Caterpillar stay in your cocoon and don’t come out
If you break free in my stomach, all hell breaks out
It’s such a risk when we go down that route
That dangerous path that we all know about
Vulnerable road without a seatbelt we drive
100 miles wind blowing yo we feel so alive
Until that highway of euphoria becomes a sudden cliff
All those high hopes descend right off of it
Boy when you love someone lord that fall is hard
Some of us never recover and stay scarred
Now we drive like a grandmother 30 miles or less
Paranoia sets in and that trust becomes bereft
Deader than a barren womb, like a tomb
Bitterness and hate like cancer has you consumed
How can I retrieve my affection when it leaves
My heart becomes a ghost and walks the earth and grieves
Not crossing into the light of moving on
When your hurt why does pain seem to last so long
I guess you have to fight and just be strong
I guess eventually night is overcome by the dawn
How can I recover that passion for women in me?
First forgive her, so that stronghold can be free
Then love can be salvaged.
Like the Last Time
I want to crawl inside you like the last time
Feel all of you like the last time
Devoir me baby like it's your only pastime
I penetrate you like the sun is about to have it's last shine
Feel this wrath of mine; I feel this bath of yours
Pour on me love like your rose ocean knows no shore
Spiritual lovemaking mixed with raw hardcore
You love when I pull out then pause...
Then you beg for more
That night you were so mad, you turned away from me
I told you I loved you so much, please stay with me
Can you lay with me? I know you're in disarray with me
When I kiss her on the neck she says come play with me
As I undress you so forcefully
The passion is rapidly coursing through me
All the anger in you just seems to flee
Then you just take it out on me
Dig in your nails, my outer skin you impale
Violent emotions like banging each other out in the
Thunder and hail, your aroma I smell
Your natural perfume
I want to hear you yell in the darkness of my room
A hurtful argument brought us closer together
If I had my way, I would be one with you forever
But our weathered beach has seemed to run out of sand
Everything fine as her excitement down her leg it ran
That night, I tell you that night, the world could've passed
I guess we made love just like it was the last
Unfortunately it was.
Coldaugust aka Poet of Pain © 2006
The end
Epilogue
Well that's much of the story in it's entirety. More of a summary because I wrote a lot more. Let's sleep in signified the innocence of the love and then it went to the other end of the spectrum. This is my life and I hope yall felt me.
Cold
... and the plot thickens
Her side (an unexpected message)
Late summer night about 12.30 am
My ceiling fan once again put's me to sleep
Drifting, Drifting but not that deep
The loud cars passing deaden to me outside on the street
At night I won't lie, her memory whispers, but I 'vefound some peace
I found a place where I can see things for what they are
This reality always seems close, true love seems far
But it's okay, because by God's grace i'm here
trying not to fall in that predictable cycle of fear
Closing up isn't the answer, but I do see things clear
As I lay silent a melody comes to my ear
I hear my text message tone, who the hell is this?
Haven't gotten a text in a while back to back like this
You have 4 messages waiting, so I check them out
open this up see what this is all about
No one even texts my phone anymore what in the world?
The only one that texts me is my... ex...
Her Text :
Have you ever lost sum 1 worth keeping?
Did it hurt? Cuz she cried. She grew up just to get hurt by her first love. The 1 that taught her how to love. The one that waited. Now you sit and wonder y? Probably blaming her.
When it was really you. She don't blame you. But she is scared by the one who shut her dreams down with a few words
Wow you really are the Poet of Pain. Been a long time coming.
Walter, tell your family the truth.
My Response
He does'nt blame you, can't blame himself either both. parties should take responsibility. He was too pushy. She was too afraid of being hurt.
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walter matthews: Fear will always destroy a relationship. He learned so much from her, and I hope she learned much from him.
walter matthews: Now I try to think about those moments that were beautiful. I hope she grasp those same moments.
walter matthews: Growing and learning is a blessing. I think she had to experiance some things in life and mature some. He had to stop for a second and laugh...
walter matthews: He learned not to tell his business anymore to family and friends. Keep things tight.
walter matthews: In all he never meant to hurt her, she'll know how he felt by the way he used to touch her.But anyway, it was hard, but that's life.
walter matthews: P.O.P
_________________
