PostPoems Be Artistic. Be Creative. Be Inspired!

Ever since I saw the movie Dirty Dancing, I've loved love. Everything about it; dreaming of it, searching for it, finding it, fighting for it, losing it- you get the idea. My favorite fairytale (still is) is how my parents met. My mom was engaged when she met my dad. Over the course of a few months and running into each other through mutual friends, she knew she was with the wrong guy and broke it off. My dad was 18 years old; they've been together ever since. 

I suppose I set high standards for myself early on. I always figured I would be the most popular girl and marry the football captain. In reality, I was the typical teen. I was too clumsy to play a sport, and too shy for any stages. I loved art, but my work was more abstract than realistic. So my goal in life became to find my true love. My first date was in 8th grade and throughout the course of high school I went out with a lot of guys. Usually after a couple months of going steady, they'd break up with me, and although I was sad and spent few crazy nights crying, I always got over it quickly. I figured 'Hey, no worries. "The one" is still out there. Just because we didn't make it as a couple doesn't mean we can't be friends!' By this point, I had all the confidence in the world and I trusted everyone.

I was a sophmore when I met Josh*. He was senior at a different school and had dated a mutual friend. We talked for hours on MSN Messenger. Eventually we met for our first date at the movies. He was the first to say "I love you". He became my best friend. I could talk to him about every aspect of my life and he just got it. I felt like he was my soulmate. Josh also had a downside; he was super protective. He was never the scary possessive type, but he would worry about my safety driving home the 30 minutes, or walking into Wal-mart by myself at night. I shrugged it off at first, but then it became more like a paranoia and I had to end it. I broke his heart. Shortly after, I met Alex* and we dated for the next two years. Josh and I stayed friends though. He was a constant in my life; all the important things included him. He kind of reinvented himself after that. He joined the army and went away to basic training. He grew up. He was mature and confident. He also became a womanizer. Relationships just weren't his thing and when they were, he had me approve of them. If I had an inkling of doubt, he broke it off. During those in between periods he wrote me e-mails of how much he still loved me, but knew I was happy with where I was at and who I was with. 

I found out Josh was being deployed in July, the day after my 18th birthday. As I gave him the final goodbye, he kissed my cheek and told me he loved me. I said it back and knew I really did mean it. I broke up with Alex soon afterward. I knew I was with the wrong guy.

I wrote to Josh and told him what happened. Without a word we were back together. I finally came back to him he always said. We talked about marriage and kids, where we would live when he got back home. It was perfect. I was in love with the romance of it; waiting for my solider. I prepared myself for the life of being an army wife. This is it, this is my fairytale. I found my one and only. He came back from training for a few days and we spent every moment together until he was officially deployed. I lost my virginity to him the night before he left. 

Josh got his leave about half way through his deployment. My friends and I went to pick him up at the airport and we had a magical first couple of days. His family still lived 30 minutes away and a snow storm happened. I was too afraid to make the drive, and told him he should do something with his brother that night. After all, I knew how close they were and I couldn't take all of his time while he was back. The rest of his leave was great. I couldn't think of anything that could go wrong.

A few weeks after he was back overseas, I received an e-mail from him saying that he had slept with another girl the night of the snowstorm. I was devastated. I made him tell me everything in exact detail. When I didn't respond, he called and called and called until I answered. I was crying and so was he and he vowed nothing like that would ever happen again. We brushed it under the rug, and never spoke of it.

When he came home, we found a place together right away. It was so exciting for me. I had started my career, and Josh had gotten a job back in his hometown. Everything seemed to be falling into place for us. Josh worked the night shift and making the 30 minute drive meant he got home around 3 a.m. I always woke up so we could talk even though it left me exhausted when I had to work the next day. Something changed though. I still can't pinpoint it, but Josh didn't come home until 4, then 5, then sometimes not at all. He always had a good excuse, but I barely saw him. I went out with my friends and drank heavily. I always put up a good front, I couldn't let anyone see that my fairytale was crumbling. I couldn't tell anyone that Josh had already cheated on me. How could I let anyone see me fail especially when I didn't want this relationship with Josh to fail. It was my ideal.

Josh came home one morning about 4 a.m. and came into the bedroom and kissed my cheek. Alarm number one went off in my head. I got up to where he was playing games on the computer and he just seemed really distant. Alarm number two. Instead of prying it out of him, I went back to bed. I woke up the next morning with a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. I creeped through his phone and found a new number was called and added in while he was at work. Her name was Melanie*. I assumed it was someone new at his job, but then I found a text from a few months prior from a girl named Briana*. He had made out with her at a party. I kept calm and tried to figure out how to approach this situation. I got ready for work when I decided to check his e-mail. What I found stunned me. He had e-mailed himself a video of Michelle (I only knew that because the numbers were the same) in an inexplicit manner. Also cute little e-mails to another girl. I lost it. I went to the bedroom and screamed at him to wake up. I broke down, I swear I thought I had lost it. All my sanity just left me, I don't remember much from it, only that I heard him say we would talk about it when I got home from work. All the while he was holding me while I bawled. 

I came home to a quiet house. My eyes came across a note on the counter with a key. Before I read it, I raced to the bedroom. His side of the closet was empty, his drawers empty. In the dining room his computer was gone. I went back to the note. He said he was sorry, but he couldn't stay. I fell down on my knees. I had failed.

The following months we had this toxic thing. He would pull me back in and I would go running. Neither one of us could let go, and everytime after I saw him, I would feel so disgusted with myself. I looked in the mirror and didn't even recognize who I was. I was in a haze; I partied every chance I got. I just couldn't deal with the reality.

Almost 6 months later, I turned 20 years old and decided that was the change I needed. I felt like I had been the solider going through the war. I was tired, I was hungover, I was numb to a lot of things. I moved in with my best friend and I made many new friends. It really was like one chapter closed and another began. There was few attempts to communicate with Josh, but by then it wasn't worth it. His current girlfriend would catch wind and all hell would break loose. I changed my number twice. The second time, I ceased all contact- blocked him on Facebook, deleted my Myspace, changed my e-mail. I realized I should have done that months ago. As soon as I was free of him physically, it was like I could finally deal with it all. I feel like I had relationship PTSD. I couldn't get a grip that someone had betrayed me in such a way that it had changed my personality profoundly. I stopped trusting people, I swore off love, and my interests in movies and books completely changed. I became such a hard cold person, that only seeing the happiness from my parents could thaw me. 

Then there was Noah*. He was a guy that was two years younger than me in school and good friends with my good friend. I remember Noah running around with my younger friends when we were kids. I never spoke to him in high school, and never thought much more about him besides he's cute, but he's a preppy boy; another stuck up snob. Through our mutual friends we were at a lot of the same parties together. We flirted, a lot, until one night we exchanged numbers and started hanging out at the bar where he bartended. He asked me out on a proper date. I took it completely by surprise when he told me at the end of summer that he wanted to make this work when he went back to college. He told me he loved me on my 21st birthday after my best friend and him threw me a party with roses, and limo service. It was like I was reborn again. I felt there was some of the old me again. That little girl was still there, deep down in my heart. 

It was a struggle to say the least. I was very insecure when Noah didn't text me back right away, or couldn't come home. I'm an anxious driver so it was always hard for me to make it up to college since city driving and small town driving was two different worlds to me. He always wanted to stay in the city; I begged him to come back to our hometown. I told him to give it one year and if he didn't find a good enough job, I'd go anywhere with him. That was over a four years ago. Noah just got a raise and an exceptional review with his job in finance. He's expected to be promoted in the next couple years. He always said he wanted to take care of me, and he has in so many ways. He's certainly had to work for it. The hardest part was trusting him. Subconciously, I always thought he would leave and be a jackass like Josh, and no matter how many tears I cried, or fights we had, he stayed even when I told him to go. One of the last fights we had about my insecurites I remember him saying, "I'm not him. You've got to know that by now." 

I always thought that true love meant perfection. I thought it was just like the movies, or should be the way my parents relationship is; so seamless, and tidy. Maybe I needed to go through a tramautic breakup to get my shit straight. My parents have been together 30 years and of course it's seamless to me. They've been working on it everyday for 10,950 days. And movies are just that; movies, not real life. At least not my life. I've been in this relationship for over seven years now, and it's been the most rewarding one I've been with, besides the one with myself. 

Oh, and one other thing - Noah was the football captain his senior year. We were married in September of 2017- I guess maybe some dreams do come true. I know I'm having the time of my life.