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A working day in the life of Billy Boarster – spontaneous dribble in a stolen note pad.



The following is an excerpt from a notepad I wrote in, whilst working at a shopping centre as some sort of a real estate promotion guy. It is copied verbatim and has not been altered in any way, hence the grammatical mistakes & poor expression. I promised a couple of people I would post this - why, I will never know - but here it is, a working day in the life of Boarster (plus an added bonus day at the end). Each number corresponds to a page of the notepad. Hope you enjoy it.





1.



It’s gonna be a long, long day... My first ‘customer’ asked me for directions to central management. I didn’t bother going to bed last night. Too drunk and merry... and it got too late. So I opted for a triple coffee and a triple dose of dexters. And now, a cappuccino...

At least here the ‘trains’ come to me... But that means I will have to talk – something I didn’t even have to do to get this $20 per hour gig. My phone is out of credit so I can’t even send messages, or reply to them... Well, at least I have full view of the food court... Lunchtime should provide good pervs... if I’m still awake.

Fuck! I gotta sit here until 6pm. It’s now 9:30am...

It’s gonna be a long, long day...



2.



I wonder if anybody is going to stop, for the full day? Perhaps a lonely old woman will pretend to be interested in these ridiculous ‘investment’ apartments, single room units going for a cool quarter million each... They haven’t even listed the price of the two-bedroom apartments... Or the one acre properties, or the price for membership to the ‘exclusive’ golf resort/club.

I will sure look foolish if somebody asks me... anything!

“Err... umm... I dunno... you interested? Just fill out the form and we’ll send you all the details... sucker.”

At least I’m not gonna be one of those leeches, who make eye-contact with every passer-by, and blurt out something, to make them feel obliged to hear what the ‘great deal’ is... I’m not on commission... I get paid regardless... $20 per hour... but it’s only 9:37am.

It’s gonna be a long, long day indeed.



3.



Who are all these people? Shopping on a weekday, at 9:38am??  Lots of bored housewives, with their prams. Lunchtime entertainment perhaps? Yeah I wish... fuck I need to go for a shit... I am here alone... nobody is supervising... how can they? Will they? Look at the security videos perhaps?

Some retailer intermittently yells “Hot bread! Pies!”

Should I intermittently yell “Expensive resort real estate!”?

Well... if not a single person stops all day, I’ll at least have this... These notes, written on C******* International notebook paper, which I found underneath this presentation desk. Where the fuck is Bass Coast anyway? They really should have given me some information... just basic stuff... one of Mr Burn's well-trained chimps might as well be doing this job.



4.



Fuck I need to go to the toilet! I better go... or I’ll internally combust... spontaneous perhaps? That’d be something...

“Today a young, sleep-deprived man, high on dexamphetamines, spontaneously combusted, in front of a stunned lunchtime crowd, at the food court of Eastland Shopping Centre. Witnesses say it all happened in a matter of seconds: ‘He was like... just sitting there and that... you know... and then, just BAM! He went up in flames! Well... more like he disintegrated at very high temperatures... but man, I never seen anything like it!’ The Victoria Police forensic team are still investigating...”

Maybe I should make a few eye-contacts... Just did... who the fuck goes to a shopping centre in the fucking poor suburb of Ringwood, to invest in resort properties??

9:52am... it’s gonna be a long, long day indeed...

Better go for that shit before I bust!



5.



Ahhh! That’s better! What relief! Brought my notepad with me... also brought my own toilet paper. Just can’t trust these public toilets and their baking paper... you know, the kind that only smears and doesn’t absorb... I have a 3-ply “Quilton” roll with me. I think ahead.



Ok...  So that killed a good 10 minutes or so... Man... what was the marketing department thinking? This is moccasin city, metho in brown paper bags and soaring unemployment. The Ringwood Centrelink is one of Melbourne’s busiest branches... and here, in the heart, they hope to find property investors??? I mean, really?

Pregnant mothers wheeling prams, pensioners dining at McDonalds for that endless cup of coffee... wagging school kids... shady drug dealers... people who were too lazy to go to work and decided to take a ‘sickie’ and go ‘splurge’ on a new piece of clothing... they’re all here... but property investors??



6.



Sixth page of the note book and it’s only 10:11am... I hope there is another one in that box under the table, for at this rate I’ll surely run out. Hmm might just look around for a couple of minutes... see if there’s anything worthy to stare at...

Mmm... babe just walked by...

I wonder if I’ll look too smug if I put my headphones on... I sure like Slipknot’s latest album... hahaha... wouldn’t it be a scene fit for a music video clip? This apathetic 30-something, sitting at a shopping centre “promoting” golf resort “investment” opportunities, not really giving a fuck, headphones blaring, listening to Slipknot? Now that, that is beauty! :o)

Hmm... can I identify any other ‘types’ here?

Hmm... I might take these smelly shoes off & let my feet breathe...

Ahh yeah... that’s better... had my shit, the feet are getting some air (skillfully hidden under the promo table)... now all I need is Slipknot...



7.



10:20am... 7th page... not a single interest. But my feet are breathing... ears are still deprived, but hey, all in due course... I am getting $20 per hour, after all... I should take it semi-seriously... this is the exact same rate I got working as a team leader of a software engineering group... funny world it is, the world of market economics that is...

Ok... time for another little ‘look’...

“Hello there! Can I interest you in some investment property? How about some lunchtime sex?”

Personally I think I have a better chance of “selling” the latter proposition... Seems to be a whole score of bored housewives around... not that I’d do a married or attached woman... call me old fashioned... I just know what it feels like to have my other half running around fucking guys while I’m at work... I wouldn’t consciously inflict such dreadful emotions onto another man... this is what K***, nor D***, will ever understand.



8.



Whoa! Whatta MILF! Pushing a pram... but still... husband should consider himself very lucky... ok get off the sex train! “Think unsexy thoughts, think unsexy thoughts”

I wonder if people are wondering what the fuck I’m noting down.

“He hasn’t stopped since he got there!”

Some pensioners glance my way, wishing they’d topped up on their superannuation while they still had the chance... or that they hadn’t invested in bad stocks.

Hey look at me, I’m 32 and I have NO super... I keep applying for early release due to hardship... the last lot I spent on my car... and then I crashed it, wrote it off, drunk, so no insurance...

An old woman just stopped to take a look at the brochure... I thought about saying something but opted against it. I could tell she was just trying to see what the fuck it was I was “selling”. She seemed near-sighted. And as soon as she realised it was resort properties, she was on her way.



9.



10:38am... page nine... I better slow this down... oh look! A “fittstim”! :op Another MILF... more pensioners... food court cleaners...

I honestly think I’ll sit here all day without a single person stopping and giving their details for “more information”. They really need pretty girls with nice cleavages for this kind of work.

Mmm... very nice ass on that MILF. Looks like I’ve run out of interesting observations to note down, save for the occasional sexy ass.

After lunch the headphones are coming out...

Hmm... would people notice if I put on my sunglasses and got some sleep? I perfected the “sitting” sleep when I did all that holiday work at Ericsson as a teenager. In the room they put us all, to type out flow-chart designs, I always picked a seat where my back faced the hallway... I rested my hands on the keyboard, and nodded off... it was my daily ritual back then...

I wonder what my eyes look like? I was up all night drinking wine, had no sleep & now I’m on dexters...



10.



10:49am and the dribble just keeps coming... so do the crowds... the mothers with their prams... the pensioners with their walking frames... the wagging school kids with their book-filled backpacks... and the property investors? Well, they’re probably visiting a real estate office... not fucking Eastland Shopping Centre in Ringwood!

Ooh1... the MILF is back! Checking out cakes, at the food court... her very slim figure suggests she doesn’t eat a lot of cakes... she must be mid-thirties; short, cropped but trendy hairdo, black long-sleeved top with a cross-heart cleavage, blue jeans with a black leather belt, black leather shoes, gold earrings, gorgeous eyes and a killer smile! And yes, a wedding ring… lucky bastard!

I wonder if some nutcase will stop and try strike up a conversation… they usually single me out on public transport, so why not a shopping centre? Woohoo! Clock just struck 11am, which means I’m now $40 richer! :op



11.



11:01am My eyes are getting heavy... but I gotta save my last dexter till after lunch... fuck, I still have seven hours to go! I better go easy on my bottle of water as well... I only have $5 left to spend on lunch... some raging weekend I’m gonna have... don’t get paid until



Well how about that... an elderly couple just stopped and asked some questions about the deals, they wanted to know exactly where this development was gonna be built... I have no fucking idea... down the coast somewhere... good enough? Look at the picture... doesn’t it look pretty? She left with the words “well when I win Tattslotto tomorrow night I’ll come back…”

Hmm... coffee or food... that’s the question today... no doubt I’ll be fucking starving by the time I get home tonight, after my 2 hour public transport voyage... around 8-8:30pm… just in time for the footy... then I have that fucking Pakenham station shift tomorrow! *sigh*



12.



It takes fucking 3 hours for me to get there... and 3 hours home... 6 hours traveling for a 4 hour $15ph shift... it just isn’t worth it... at least this trip was... 4 hours traveling for $180... that’s fair. But 6 hours for $60? Nah.. only have 2 shifts left with that job, thank fuckers... sore hand... need a break! 11:15am

11:22am... lunch time is drawing near... plenty to look at now so I might just have an extended break... just lost another potential... ah well... I am sooooo disappointed! Not... will return later...



13.



11:36am “Is this level two?”

So far, only 3 elderly couples have stopped to question me about this deal. What did I expect? Hoardes of young rich babes looking to invest in a golf resort? Ha! Where would they want to invest? (if they existed) Health resorts on the Gold Coast?

I hope at least one person stops to give their details, otherwise they might question whether I was actually here today...



12:19pm Well how about that... Fiona S**** just strolled by... now I have at least one name to show. Not that she’s interested... I just told her about my concern of not having a single name to show... it’s been a pretty good day for perving otherwise. Much better than the train stations.

Well... better get back to it...



14.



12:33pm... my first genuinely interested party... woohoo!



15.



13:46pm Half time entertainment? A young teenage boy just collapsed and had an epileptic fit, right here in front of my desk. Freaky. His mum was with him... he was in good hands. That was a fitting end to my hour-long perving spree, pardon the pun. Gotta say, lunch time at this place is one long endless perv. And the occasional epileptic fit. Hmm… there’s still too much to perv at... almost 2pm… when am I gonna have my “lunch” break? Hmm... back to perving.

Just dropped the last dexter... hope it gets me through.



14:30pm Just spent my last $5 on a Satay Strip Sub at Red Rooster... still officially on my lunch break so I decided to whack Slipknot on... as soon as I did, some joker came over & wanted to chat about the deal... and then another... actually got a few names now.



16.



That’s it... the headphones stay on... they’ll probably deduct money for lunch anyway... I deserve to hear one CD.

Ok... back to perving. 14:38pm



Ahh... let the feet breathe... that’s it.



Mmm... much better perving without the noise of the crowds... do I look like a freak sitting here with my headphones full blast, writing very secretively in my note book? Probably. Do I care? Not for a second... the thought is actually putting a smile on my face for the first time today... people can hear my music when they walk past, that’s how loud they are... I make an excellent real estate guy, don’t you think?

Ok... back to perving... (14:45pm… only 3 hrs and 15 min to go).



MILF... at 12 o’clock!

“THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!” sings Corey.



17.



Hey these Slipknot-blaring headphones seem to keep the idle chatters away... in fact, they seem to keep everybody away! ;o)

At least now I don’t get all those “can you tell me where the main office is?” people...

I have no fucking idea where it is, but I keep sending them away to the far side of the complex... as far from this point as possible... that should keep them busy... hey I might even be right.



Three o’clock... school kids’ll start pouring in soon.

Hehehehe... I’ve seen a few potential idle chatters walk by, but as soon as they spot (or rather hear) my headphones, they walk right on by...



15:05pm My hands smell like satay... I shoulda washed my hands.



15:18pm I’m soooooo fuckin’ tired... eyelids are starting to get heavy again...





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18.

12:17pm Sat 5/6



Well... I survived yesterday’s shift but now I’m sitting here at Pakenham station, after having only had five hours sleep – the only sleep I’ve had since I woke up Thursday morning – and nothing to eat since last night. Glen called me last night, on my way home, so I stopped in at his place. What was supposed to have been an early night, so I could rest for today’s shift, turned out to be a night of beer & pool, followed by a joint & a couple of hours of mindless chatter back at Glen’s place. I ended up crashing on his couch around 3am. The alarm on my mobile went off at 7:45am. I have a throbbing headache...



12:25pm Only two hours and thirty-five more minutes to go...



12:32pm A rat just crossed the foot path leading in to the station. This is Pakenham. The end of a very shitty line.

12:37pm The rat just crossed back... wonder what he went across for in the first place?