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Doctor’s Fee.

I have a serious question,
Have you a remedy for me.
I suffer from indigestion,
And cannot afford a Doctor’s fee.

Ice cream is my favourite,
I eat it every day,
There is nothing like it
But it does not really pay.

For it creases my tummy,
I eat far too much.
But it is so yummy,
And I like it as such.

Thankful I would be,
For any good advice.
Do not try to stop me,
For that would not be nice.

Perhaps I should warm the ice cream,
even make it hot,
Now that would be a dream,
which I rather like a lot.

So I will not go to a Doctor,
for I cannot pay the fee.
But in the future,
I will drink a cup of tea.

Cooking.

 

Once I fried a fish,

That was a tasty dish.

I tried my hand at meat,

It turned out a real treat.

I decided to be a cook,

And bought myself a book.

I mixed some ingredients for a cake,

Put it in the oven to bake.

It turned out really well,

I was under a magic spell.

I cooked some vegetables in a pot,

I served them piping hot.

My cooking was a great success

Alas my kitchen in a terrible mess.

Now my wife does the cooking,

Her meals are of the best.

She cooks with great zest.

The kitchen is again clean,

I feel somehow very mean.

BATH TIME.

I took my yearly bath to-day,

Lots of dirt got soaked away.

Why I bother, I sure don't know,

But I bathed myself from head to toe.

I used a bar of scented soap,

To smell a bit sweeter, What a hope.

When I tried to wash my hair,

My brush and comb stood up to stare.

My nails are in a terrible state,

Shall I cut them, shall I wait.

And what about my dirty ears,

I haven't washed them in thirty years.

My teeth like stars come out at night,

If I clean them, They'll get a fright.

The talcum powder on the shelf,

Said touch me not, I'll kill myself.

You know you really shouldn't laugh,

Its very courageous to take a bath.

And the feeling I've got is akin to fear,

For I'll have to bath again next year.

PLACES TO GO.

I'd love to go to Potters Bar,

And drink my beer from out of a jar.

Or perhaps I could go to Strood,

To have a bath in the nude.

A railway trip up to Leeds,

To eat jam butties, to fill my needs.

Or further north to old Carlisle,

That should take me quite a while.

I could go to Cardiff, in South Wales,

To do some shopping in the winter sales.

Should I go to Stalybridge,

To eat fresh kippers from out of the fridge.

I might even go to Bath,

That should be good for a laugh.

I could even go to Tunbridge Wells,

Become a witch and cast some spells.

If only there was some-one I knew,

Then I could take a train down to Crewe.

I've heard of a village called Long Green,

Now that's a place I've never seen.

But I have this feeling that I wont go far,

Not even for a beer, to Potters Bar.

THE BANK. 1968

I went to the Bank to borrow some money,

The Manager said, 'Please don't be funny.

What securities can you offer to me,

Money you know doesn't grow on a tree.

I have no collateral that's for sure,

I need fifty quid, I'll ask for no more.

I said to the Manager, its not my fault,

If you have no more money in your vault.

It's a very poor bank, you must agree,

That has no cash for a man like me.

My credit you know has always been good,

Today there's a horse, running at Goodwood.

The Bookie told me to come and see you,

He said you'd be good for a pound or two

So Mr. Bank Manager, how about some tick,

Even twenty pounds would do the trick.

I'm no good at begging, I must not steal,

Just lend me a tenner, come make it a deal.

And if I win, you can rest assured,

I'll tell you about racing, You wont be bored.

And perhaps if I win, A large amount,

With you I might even open an account.

CLOCK. 1986

There are twelve numbers on the face of my clock,

I know that it's happy for it goes Tick Tock.

It has two hands, one large, one quite small,

They go round and round as it hangs on the wall,

I think you know that they are playing a game,

Each time that I look, it is always the same.

They chase each other day after day,

Around they go from June until May.

What are they doing to tell the time?

Copying one another with hands that mime.

As they pass each number they seem to say,

Please don't hinder me, I'm still on my way.

The large hand says it's really not fair,

I seem to be doing more than my share.

The little hand laughs and said what fun,

I love seeing you go past always on the run.

Some people you know don't like my old clock,

But it keeps me happy, as it goes TICK TOCK.

FARMER GILES. 1988

I went to visit Old Farmer Giles,

I crossed most fields by way of stiles.

In some were Cows in others Sheep,

Most were grazing, some asleep.

Then I came to a five barred gate,

Now I really had to wait.

For in this field was big old Bull,

It took a long time till his belly was full.

Over a ditch and through a hedge,

Where a couple of Horses pulled a sledge.

On to the road that passes the mill,

The rest of the way went down hill.

Along the common by the old Oak,

Past the pond where the Frogs do croak.

I must have walked at least five miles,

And I still haven't come to Farmer Giles.

Perhaps he lives behind that group of trees,

So on I plod with wobbly knees.

At long last I come to a Farm,

With Pig stalls and a very large Barn.

Boldly I walked up to the front door,

Out came a man that looked rather sore.

Good Morning I said, Are you Farmer Giles?

No! I'm the Doctor, The Farmer has got Piles.

So I opened the door and went on in,

The Farmers Wife was tall and thin.

What you've come all this way to see Farmer Giles,

And him lying in bed a nursing his piles.

Come back tomorrow, when he's up and about,

So I bid her, Good Day and went on out.

On the way home it poured down with rain,

Come back tomorrow, I wont bother again.

You see I don't know Old Farmer Giles,

Going to see him was just one of my wiles.

AMNESIA.

Hello old chap, how do you do,

What on earth's the matter with you.

Strange you cannot recall my name,

We met last year, in the south of Spain.

I was with my sister Sue,

You must remember she fell for you.

You were wearing Bermuda shorts,

Whilst playing on the tennis courts.

Curious that you don't remember me,

We paddled together in the sea.

We eat ice cream on the strand,

My sister sue held your hand.

You cannot have forgotten that my name is Joe,

It is easy to remember I'll have you know.

What you have never been to Spain,

Your happily married to a girl named Jane.

Now I realise what's the matter with you,

You are suffering from amnesia too.

HAIR CUT.

The Barber came to cut my hair,

I told him that it wasn't fair.

My hair had done him no harm,

Without it I would loose my charm.

The Barber he grinned a silly grin,

Said to cut my hair would be no sin.

That I should face it like a man,

But I'm a coward and away I ran.

Do you like sitting in a Barbers chair,

With him chopping away your lovely hair.

Once my head was full of curls,

Covering my face with twisty twirls.

But then the Barber came my way,

I was a child, I had no say.

Off came my curls one by one,

The Barber seemed to have great fun.

Now I'm old and very grey,

I'm nearly bald, my hairs gone away.

But when I see a Barbers chair,

I feel the loss of my curly hair.

You know I truly rue the day,

When that first Barber came my way.

WORDS OF WARNING.

Sitting on a cloud eating my manna,

I watched a man swinging a hammer.

'Saint Peter,' I asked, 'What's that for,'

'Is it some punishment for breaking Gods law.'

'No,' said Saint Peter, 'I won't let him in,

'For on Earth he committed a terrible sin.'

'He was a Politician, filled with greed.'

'Thought that he was of a special breed.'

'He'll swing that hammer for ever more,'

'But he won't come in by the Heavenly door.'

Parliamentarians be warned by Saint Peter's words.

Know that nest feathering is only for birds.

The laws that you make are for every-one,

We don't pay high salaries just for fun.

So give of your best as us you do rule,

Then you won't be swinging Saint Peters tool.

And I with my manna, a sitting on my cloud,

Will be singing your praises, right out loud.

IT MAKES ONE THINK.

One fine day in London Zoo,

The Monkeys were in a hullabaloo.

An Orang Utang in it's cage,

Broke out into a violent rage.

Sitting behind these Iron bars,

I'm not some freak from Mars.

All I want is to be left alone,

To dream dreams of my forest home.

The public that come here to gape,

Are also descendants from the ape.

It was just an accident you see,

That man fell to the ground, from a tree.

So please bear this in mind,

You once had a tail, to cover your behind.

The next time that you come to the Zoo,

Please leave me in peace, I beg of you.

THE POOLS.

I've won the pools, hip hip hooray.

Eighty thousand is coming my way.

Twenty four points, All correct,

On Thursday morning I'll collect.

Wait till I get home to tell the Wife,

This will certainly change her life.

We'll buy a house and a car,

Visit relations near and far.

Life will be one long party,

So come my friends drink and be hearty.

It's not every day that one wins the pools,

No more work and no more tools.

We'll live it up like some Lords,

Buy a ship and live on board.

All these things and a lot more,

Life will never again be a bore.

As I got home to my loving wife,

To tell her the changes in our life.

She looked at me with face aghast,

Husband mine, I confess at last.

The coupon that you gave me to post,

I threw in the dustbin with the old toast.

Please forgive me, I won't do it again,

Besides having all that money would be a strain.

There would be no more dreams for you and me,

 

So sit down my love and drink your tea.