Author Information
Scorekeeper
A starting pistol fires. Was the passing seagull grazed in despair, the refrigerator, Vegas, the sky, or sunglasses? For the solution, take the first left at the stop sign then count from two to three. Usually, Brittany Holderbaum appears with the answer written across her forehead, but she malfunctions. With a stethoscope to her chest, Dr. Lester Peabottle picks up a terrorist signal, so he prescribes 4 kg of gunpowder. Meanwhile, the clock strikes a pedestrian due to the tenants above undergoing a domestic throwing frenzy. Like butter, the frenzy spreads to Fifth Street, then melts. Then a red light emerges.
Green light. Brittany Holderbaum advances six spaces. On the seventh, she rises again, along with the high tide, and the Confederacy. In fact, contrary to fiction, fact is non-fiction. This mantra is repeated until the dungeon door opens to Dr. Lester Peabottle himself, irked at the Judas that revealed the passcode to the raccoon before him. Cut! Dr. Lester Peabottle's character gets the raccoon to join him for lunch break, so they anthropomorphize into each other. Urban legend: Eight out of every nine numbers are fertility charms.
Ten days later, Brittany Holderbaum is paradoxically eleven days older. That is, to her sister-in-law, Tasha Holderbaum. The whistle blows. Twelve point penalty for the illegal use of context. Pay a visit to Tasha Holderbaum's mother, Theresa Holderbaum. The dinner bell rings for thirteen vultures who then eat Brittany Holderbaum's words, leaving her speechless at the beauty pageant. The winner take home a crown of thorn. Halt, thief! A gang of fourteen citizens retrieve their public domain letter from the letter-snatcher. Moral: Lower the toilet seat after every job interview.
Do not put your lemons all in one basket, grab the bulls by the horns and kill them with one stone while saving the lemonade for a rainy day. Having obeyed the officer's orders, Brittany Holderbaum then leads an old horse to its water though is unable to teach him any new drinking tricks. True or false? False alarm. Fifteen seconds later, Brittany Holderbaum returns to her cubicle to find the horse sipping her mug of chalk dust latte in B-flat major. The conductor is copper, whereas the audience is cobalt. What lies between them? A nickel lies between a penny and a dime, making sixteen cents.
Brittany Holderbaum has nothing more in her purse, if one does not count the dollars and credit cards. Exactly this is chiseled into her tombstone, having shortly died of laughter at seventeen. The mermaid community sends their deepest condolences to a character in another story. Tasha Holderbaum places a water-squirting rose into the casket, then, as a sign of gratitude, receives a hug from Brittany Holderbaum herself. Objection! Artificial intelligence will advance the Islamic establishment, not destroy it. Overruled. The buzzer goes off.
Intermission: Eighteen passes, nineteen blows, twenty advances, twenty-one plays, twenty-two cracks, twenty-three strikes, twenty-four calls, twenty-five pulls, twenty-six dips, and twenty-seven rolls.
The metronome resumes. Grapes shower from the sky until beetle forms manifest. From the heap rises Tasha Holderbaum who refuses to reveal the apparition's esoteric significance, but agrees to a reading. The bowling ball warns of further literary blasphemy before striking all twenty-eight pins. Rewind. Dr. Lester Peabottle picks up a terrorist signal, so he hides inside his imagination's immigrant-smuggling truck. For homework, describe the twenty-nine hiding goats in Pig Latin. An additional goat makes thirty--cups of milk. Tasha Holderbaum thus refills her flask.
No unauthorized personnel beyond this point. No pickles or mustard. 31% off the previous purchase, saving a total of thirty-two passengers, including the antagonist Tasha Holderbaum, whose fictional work, Scorekeeper, turns against itself like a burning fire station. Neighboring firefighters arrive on a giraffe, proving themselves useless via the scientific method. Each test subject receives $33 and a complimentary felony charge. Meanwhile, the food fight reaches its peak, despite its food absence. Desperate, Tasha Holderbaum scavenges around the soup kitchen for chairs, not having sat for days.
Sit on this for a while. A wingless fly is a walk, whereas a legless walk is amusing. The audience laughs. Tasha Holderbaum forgets her line, so she pulls out a triangle and makes unnecessary noise, waking up the babies. Among them is Dr. Lester Peabottle, whose age-reversal technique was recently used on himself. So without further adieu, we present the mute button-presser. Let us have a moment of silence. Visualize a chorus of thirty-four cats, the thirty-fifth being the number of fleas belonging to the highest soprano. Place your bets on number thirty-six.
Suddenly, Tasha Holderbaum awakens to the gunshots heard from the front page of the newspaper. Interception! A plagiarist steals the previous scene. The investigator dusts for fingerprints, only to find God. A church is constructed every thirty-seven minutes worldwide. Why does nobody ever say worldlong? Tasha Holderbaum cringes, despising rhetorical questions, just as much as their answers. So loud are Tasha Holderbaum's thoughts, that the librarian shushes her. No smoking, shows the sign, unless the turkey calls for it, in which case, one should answer the phone and ask for menthols or wood chips. Paragraph is closed.
Open here. Thirty-eight snakes squirm within the box. Tasha Holderbaum reveals that thirty-nine wishes may be granted, but the catch is spelled differently. Forty common symbols are displayed here. Forty-one says congratulations on nearly finishing, whereas forty-two meanders off to quantify itself out to persons or things. A fraction of a calorie has been burned in the result of reading this work. The scorekeeper reaches the end of her waking state. The game ends forty-three to nothing.
