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SO MUCH TIME
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LYNN She came into my life,
And I felt her spirit fill me,
Only to find that the spirit I saw,
Was the reflection of my own want and desire,
SHE emulated from my dreams.
She had no identity for herself,
Took my last name,
Saying she was doing it to "Honor" me.
Yet, she attatches another last name to hers,
With every new partner she has met,
To my recollection.
How very sad it must be to self sacrifice one's self,
TO BELONG.
She said she was with child,
And in her mind, I'm sure she was,
Even though, one never resulted from her pregnancy.
I had never knew of phantom pregnancies.
When she and I ended,
There was much despair and hatred on my part.
How could she hurt me so much,
Kill that one piece of my heart I still knew---
HOW TO TRUST WITH!
How could she make a dream of a child,
One that I knew I never could have,
Grow from a ghost into a reality,
To the point that I BELIEVED her illness.
There are many other things that were untrue.
Yet, last night,
While at a meeting,
I talked to a woman named Jessie.
I have never been intimidated by a woman.
Jessie can match me in intellect, wit, soul,
Maybe even more than I have myself.
Her sexual prowess was the first thing I noticed,
And generally, Lesbian butch women,
Do not find other butch women to be their mates.
With this in mind,
I held back from her.
My friends urged that we should "hook up".
But I could not bring myself to say,
"I want to know more about you."
I knew that as we talked last night,
She was dating another woman,
And getting quite serious.
But she sat with me,
Consoled me in my tears,
As I cried.
"Jessie, I didn't make any moves,
I just could not take the idea of---
I cannot survive another relationship like my last one.
What if you hurt me?"
She put her arm around me,
As if to say,
"I love women, I'd never mean to hurt anyone.
Life has it's hurts, and it's joys.
When you are ready, you will love, and you will find joy.
And we CAN BE FRIENDS."
There it was, no more worry.
When I got home to an old lover,
Whom I'm with for the moment...
We've each sort of agreed in no uncertain terms,
That we are on loan to each other.
We revere each other,
Want the best for each other,
Are each others best friends.
As my best friend,
She hates to see me hurt, and I her.
If she or I find someone else,
Who will fill our lives with memories and song,
We are all for that.
We know what we are to each other,
What we can provide each other,
And what we do that hurts the other...albeit without malice.
So when I saw my ex in her vehicle this morning,
My current lover said,
"You met Jessie last night,
And if you weren't hurting so,
You may have found out how truely wonderful she was."
I smiled, and wanted to cry.
"Please don't, your tears are like daggers to my heart."
I can say that I don't want my ex,
The day she left, I never did want her back.
But like everything that we touch,
Mentally, verbally, spiritually, physically,
We leave an imprint, and impact, a scar...
Evidence that we were there.
My ex left evidence,
I wish I did not have it.
Yet, I know that I learned a great many skills from her,
However, they just weren't worth the cost of what I paid.
No broken heart heals completely,
No hurt soul ever forgets,
We all try to forgive,
And for the time on this earth,
This is the only measure of comfort we have---
Forgetting, erasing the past is impossible.
Today just makes me think things through,
In a much larger way---
Is this worth the hurt that I might suffer,
And what am I repeating, what could I benifit?
One thing is for sure,
Life goes on,
Broken spirit, broken heart and all---
From every love,
From every death and loss,
From every move we make forward and backward.
Some things in life come without airbags and comfort zones.
To love,
Is to be loved...
This means RISK.
No one can see the future,
And the best moves we can make are calculated estimates.
I'm in flux,
I feel vulnerable, uneasy, untrusting....
But I don't want to go back to what caused that,
The old relationship.
Still, I'm in a friendship with a lover,
Where our relationship went south.
But we are not the same people,
Not in the same place mentally, spiritually.
However, I know enough to say that when we're together,
I trust her.
I trust her to help me heal,
If she can only wait a bit until I come around.
When it comes to that next relationship,
Perhaps I won't wait so long,
I might miss out on some one really good.
And not sit in my hurt,
Stuck in my sorrow,
Unable to move from that spot,
Where forward is too threatening,
And backward is impossible.
Next time....
I DON'T WANT TO WASTE SO MUCH TIME....
