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I DON'T WANT YOUR HAND, I WANT YOUR HEART
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EVELYN & HER FAMILY I know that I can wait forever,
And I told her that I too,
Want that kind of surreal, mad, fall head over heels,
Nearly insane feeling love can bring.
But I haven't wanted it at the price of myself.
I don't want a conventional marraige ever again.
I don't want someone living in my house.
It makes me feel hemmed up,
I feel drawn and quartered.
I don't want any "joint accounts".
I took care of myself before,
And I can take care of myself now,
ALL WITH GOD'S PROVISION, OF COURSE.
She heard me tell it all,
How things would be different in my life, from now on.
She couldn't believe me,
The one who always said, "I LOVE YOU", first,
And to a degree still do,
WILL NOT DO IT ANYMORE.
She couldn't believe me,
When I told her that I no longer planned my wedding day.
I had had too many in the past, and who needed a reminder,
That as soon as I said "I DO", my partner didn't.
She couldn't believe the way I lived,
How I used to be a neat freak,
Being festidious to order my chaos.
But it would be me from now on, my mess was my own,
And I didn't bother anybody.
I sure as hell didn't want the hassle,
Of opening my heart to another.
Yet, with her, it's been different.
I don't have to earn her trust,
She doesn't have to earn mine--
We've known eachother for so long.
I also know she is waiting for her lover,
But 18 months is a very long time to wait,
Without email and depending on the United Postal Service.
But we both embarked on a conversation,
That I felt un-nerved by,
What was she trying to say?
That she was falling for me again?
She said I could tell her anything,
But I couldn't.
I couldn't say what I felt about her,
Because to do so, meant more turmoil for her.
It's one thing to love another woman,
Have a life with me,
Try and keep all that seperate,
And find one's own heart in the middle.
I will not give her any ultimatum.
I decided today,
That when her lover returns,
Be it months, maybe even years from now,
When she is physically able to be with the one
She's waiting for...
I want her to take the time and sleep with her.
I want her to know in her heart of hearts,
That there is nothing.
I don't want to be settled for,
I don't want her asking herself,
What if I slept with her?
Would I have felt something bigger, something different?
Would I have wanted to have been with her?
To live with her?
To love and have a life with her?
If things come to love,
When we both can say,
"This is that insane love."
When we both can't help our feelings,
Maybe then,
I won't ask for her hand,
Because what I will really want,
IS HER HEART.
