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MY PERSONAL CHAIN REACTION
Like the domino effect it happened.
One thing then another.
Everyone counting on me,
Yet me letting everyone down.
One breakdown of the walls caving in for a brief moment,
My boss offering me time to regroup.
Twisting, winding like the spiral staircase.
Going into the dept into the void.
It is like being around my ex,
First one lie and then another,
Twisting, turning, curving down farther and farther.
To quote Greenday, "tatoos are memories and they're still on trial".
My tattoo of his name been removed since 99, although I was branded in 95.
Him being here I am there all over again.
Sometimes it is a curse to be so empathic, so in tuned.
I smell him, his animalistic urges flowing strong through his body.
His simple request of one kiss, but his knowing the request is not simple.
I am there, the scared little girl that most people thought would tell no one,
But yet she told him, and to his response was "nothing like that would ever happen
Yet if it did happen I can make love to you and everything will be alright".
Chain reactions, same grid square, like a towering inferno and a plunge to my death again and again.
Like the watery grave my body held to my last lifetime, like the shower they drug me to naked.
It all comes back. My chain reaction. My issues.
Him around me brings her back, the tears, the cries, and the screams.
All in vain, no one to hear me, no one to help me.
Swallowed up like a worm on the fishing pole of life and the VA system.
My female ex brings it all back also, so my life is like double jeopardy,
I have a double whammy on my emotions between the two of them.
I feel the need to escape my reality more often than not just to be away from them.
Moot point, things come and go, but to know he will be here permanently for the rest
of my life. Taking snips at my soul every minute of everyday. Just needing a little bit of me,
but really taking the whole.
In my rest time I felt it and fought the fight of a woman, a child, a soldier, trying to hide the scars, the
Emotions that are all too much. Trust is few and far between since I am scared to trust anyone again.
Scared to hear no it didn't happen that way or you deserved it.
My personal chain reaction of the demons I try so hard to keep at bay.
The ones who are locked up deep within the dungeons of my heart, soul, and mind.
Chained up with chains angels have locked so I can't see their faces anymore.
I sit here, tears roll down a solemn face, a healer's face, scared to enter the dungeons to get my soul
back and receive the healing. I look to the dungeons and I'm in the wall locker screaming like a caged animal, yet hearing laughs and taunts.
Feeling that no one knows what it's like in the months after to be called a traitor, a bitch, a whore,
all because at that moment I stood my ground. Now at times I don't stand my ground when I should because I learned the hard way it was better to keep quiet.
My personal chain reaction and I can't get rid of the pain.
