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DEVASTATED
Tears ran down my cheek onto the papers on my desk at the devastation of the moment overwhelmed me.
Betrayal runs deep, apparently deeper than friendship I felt.
My husband calling me at work saying, ‘my wife who are you? What are you? Over the fact that someone chose to say I could be a baby snatcher, a person who did things just to get attention. Someone who isn’t pregnant?! I looked into my husband’s eyes and said my files are in the closet, yours to look over. You make the decision. In that moment I felt my marriage might be ending. The love of my life leaving.
I couldn’t believe this person who called themselves my friend, who I had dinner with less than 4 days before, who has my washer and dryer in her house whose child I cleared my schedule to watch and drove from another city to be with had chosen to destroy me. Demolish me; make me feel like I had wasted all those years trying to better myself. Made me feel like fuck it don’t want to defend my dissertation, not worth it anyway. Made me want to terminate my life functions and those of my unborn child with extreme prejudice. The knife plunged and twisted into my open heart not only creating a wound but an open way that will never heal.
Scorned, humiliated, hurt, devastated I collapsed into my husband’s arms not breathing, and screaming “I WANT TO DIE!!”
Feeling as if I had no reason to live ever again.
My husband being the caring person she is said we are calling your therapist. I asked her for an hour. One hour to clear my emotions get me back, know that I was okay. I didn’t tell her that in the madness I had already spoken with my therapist and my OB/GYN.
This morning upon calling one I got the other. They re both at the same place now. My OB swearing she will call my husband today, and my therapist saying Wednesday morning you need to see me and bring your husband because we are thinking baby out, but sign you in for a little while. Get you better. Can your husband handle the baby alone?
Again tears ran down my face. How do I tell my husband? New husband, new baby new life, that this devastation has nearly destroyed me.
Yet I am strong enough to continue in the fight.
