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GUILTY BY INNOCENCE
Right before I left my partner I found out that before her and I got together she had been stalking a person with whom I now am good friends with, but the thing is when my partner and I became involved she quit stalking my now new friend, however now that I am no longer there she has gone back to stalking my best friend Deb. My partner even convinced me at the end to move to a house which at the time I did not realize was 1/4 block from the woman she had been stalking until after I had left. I keep telling myself I’m over Stacy especially with all the things she put me through but then something comes up or she says something to my friends and I get angry. I think in the back of my mind I went from having awesome credit to being nearly destroyed due to this person, but now they want to play the victim. What gives. There are people that we were both friends with that I cannot even talk to now because she tells them in emails I’m delusional that I don’t have to education I have ( although my diplomas and degrees are on my wall), that my child doesn’t exist, and now although I may be online once a week to check my email, if that. She is saying I’m looking for a new person online and stalking her online. I work a position where I don’t have internet access at work. Drive 45 minutes to an hour one way to work, work 12 to 16 hours a day. I hardly have enough time to breathe less known anything else.
The other day I almost called my ex up and said I’d come back just so she’d quit stalking my friend Deb. I was thinking I could be a distraction so that it would stop, but then I realized if I even went back into an abusive relationship again I’d have to die or kill myself because I could not live through that again. Not knowing what I know now. Part of me feels so guilty that I left because the other day my mother saw Stacy at our local library and said she looked so sad, but then my mother stated to me that she (my mother) was glad her daughter (me) was out of the situation. Delivered as she put it. I still get jumpy at night, barely sleep and wonder what she is going to do next. The long and short of it is that since I was sexually assaulted by a women years ago, and that fact that my former partner/roommate is by no means a small woman I can honestly say I am intimidated y her and think of all the times she used to force me and tell me I’d like it
I never shared that with anyone. Today is the first time I finally admitted it to myself. When my ex and I first got together she knew I had been diagnosed PTSD due to the incident that happened with a woman while I was in the military, and I can honestly say one of the cruelest things she ever did after we broke up was send an email saying that I willing was with the women that assaulted me. I understand anger from a break up, but there is no cause for that. I have still decided that I will be okay no matter what.
