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I cried again last night, I can't stop it from happening. Every time I think about her and what happen I start to cry and there is nothing I can do about it. It started with a miss said word and went from there. I try not to think about the bad things, the things I shouldn't and am trying not to but every time something comes up I get this sudden drop in my stomach, like my insides just fell into my shoes. I know I said I wouldn't rp with anyone but her and her close friend but it's hard, I miss the other people I used to rp with and the temptation is very high to go back to them and do it all over again, but I won't, I can't.



I never told anyone this, not even her, but every time I did one of those rps a small part of me felt like it died inside. It didn't matter though because I could feel how much pleasure I was giving other people and that made me happy in the long run, now that feeling, that dead horible empty feeling, is worse because of what happened. I know the truth about what I did and said and I know I was wrong to do it and say it but I can't take it back. I know she has somewhat forgiven me but it can never go back to how it was and I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. I have to see if I can handle it, I have to know if ... if it will eat me alive or if, if I can give pleasure to others without hurting myself.



I hope that Mistress doesn't find this, at least not till after we play again, I don't want her hesitant in any way to enjoy herself and I have to know, I have to know if I can ever get over this. I have to know if Angelica will ever be a part of me again or if she is dead. I'm not sure if I can take that loss. I know this sounds like multipul personality disorder and maybe it is but I need Angelica and SCFWT, aka Sylin/Avalon, to keep the other side of me in check, the darker part, Marcus ... I can't let him scare me or hurt others ever again, but if I lose them then I'm not sure what I will do.