Author Information
Moment of clarity
Dear world,
Another heap of cells is slowly dimming away, flickering, for now, through the evergrowing tissue of space and time. I know I won’t be remembered for long, should you even realize that I’ve gone missing. How much time will have passed by until I’ve faded away, like a distant memory disappearing in the horizon? I guess my presence will linger on for some time among the few people that, for some obscure reason, held me in their heart. But I simply couldn’t even begin understanding why: I’ve been a ghost of myself for longer than I can remember, far, very far from the ideal I had set myself to be.
For some, I’ve turned everything upside down with the destructive force of a hurricane, but for most, I’ve just been much too diluted to leave back any kind of stain. It is a strange moment, the one where you start reflecting upon what difference your absolutely minuscule existence has made in the vastness of this multiverse we happen to experience in our, oh, so limited consciousness. The answer to this little thought experiment is that you have accomplished nothing. Nothing at all. Everything will finally turn to dust, with absolutely nothing and no one left to remember any of it. The results of our actions, in the end, will simply disintegrate into nothingness. It’s the inevitable course that, what we know as this primitive notion of fate, has in store for us. But humans don’t live on such an immense scale, their impact is far more humble. So if I go back to the impact I have left on my own realistically human scale, my ascertainment is in no way more enthusiastic than the previous one. I realize that none of my actions, to my perception at least, which is the only perspective I can assimilate, have been relevant in a positive way. In the end, it lies in my nature to deceive, in one way or another, my environment. The good I’ve done seems to crush under the weight of the bad I’ve done.
These notions of good and bad, I would like to perceive them as they really are, i.e. meaningless inventions of our finite cognition. But as much as I regret this, I’m not a purely intellectual being, emotions spread throughout my neural network, just like a cancer eating away at my precious rationality. My cold and passive traits are merely façades, hiding away my emotional turmoil. But this cancer hides deep inside of me, impeding my ability to express my inner state. I’m diminished to an emotionally paralyzed zombie, incapable of affection even though all I’m craving for is an emotional connection. I had a shot at this, once, but I believe it to be a one time experience. An experience I’ve entirely sabotaged by myself.
I’m not gonna kill myself. Not this soon at least. No, I know that there might be some kind of turn over in the future, who knows when, even though I can impossibly conceive it right now. But I also know that the chances are small enough to have me doubt them, my personality is simply not prone to facilitating such events.
Clarity is not an easy gift to bear. It’s been torturing me ever since I can remember, and all my flaws seem to always end up defining me. Look at me, 27 years old, and I’m already veiled by the bitterness of experience. Pathetic.
Betrayal, loss of child and friends, abandonment, irreversible mistakes… Despite all my efforts, I remain this tiny boy that is overwhelmed by life, who’s just too weak to withstand the stumbling blocks thrown at him. And yet I take on the role of this laughable christlike figure, absorbing all the darkness I can find. With the only difference that in real life, misery doesn’t solve anything.
This is it. I don’t know how to continue the story. I can’t just write myself a happy ending like in a fairy tale. This is real life, sometimes, you just run into a dead end, and you lose any chance to go back. Something has died in me today, the process of dehumanization has begun.
No more flickering, all I see is black.
