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Forget The Dogmatist
Howling at the celestial,
Not wishing, nor daring to,
Be bestial,
Love cannot exist,
Without fleshy desires,
Forget the dogmatist
Sinful, Skinful pleasures i'm,
Eating at your gutter.
Not to be bothered by a,
Crimson apocalypse,
Love cannot exist,
Without fleshy desires,
Forget the dogmatist
The ministry of my flicking fork,
The delicacy of the folding flesh,
The aroma of living
The aroma of dying
The aroma of seeing
Forget The Dogmatist
(brilliant title… very interesting word play, although after one read I am not quite sure how to relate it to the whole… maybe it will hit me after this crit.)
Howling at the celestial,
Not wishing, nor daring to,
Be bestial,
(The pace and rhythm you are setting up here is quite good.. although I am a sucker for half sentences paced correctly, I might suggest not capping the Be and following with a period, that just helps me to keep the rhythm correctly.)
Love cannot exist,
Without fleshy desires,
Forget the dogmatist
Sinful, Skinful pleasures i'm,
Eating at your gutter.
(again caps at the start of each line is not doing much for your pace, although I am not seeing a structured pattern so maybe you did it on purpose? I like that this turned sensual and aggressive on me too… again, personal tastes. The double hitter of sinful skinful is awesome.)
Not to be bothered by a,
Crimson apocalypse,
(cooool, word structure and play here is very inviting. Although I am still not getting the full grasp of your intentions yet, I am sensing that it is building… quite like sex actually.)
Love cannot exist,
Without fleshy desires,
Forget the dogmatist
(OK, I like this line a lot, but am not quite sure that I like it repeated. Hmmm, I will think on that because I really cannot tell you why.)
The ministry of my flicking fork,
The delicacy of the folding flesh,
(hehehe… 19 you say?)
The aroma of living
The aroma of dying
The aroma of seeing
(ahhh, these lines spell it all out for me, interesting that so much can be applied to just one of our senses.. I wonder what you might attribute to the others? I found the subtle conflict of the ‘aroma of “seeing”’ made me smile.. I get this, and like the toss of afterthought feel here… )
What it means to taste your fires
Over all this poem works well. You set a pretty strict pattern and then sort of whacked it to pieces till everything sort of falls apart around that pattern… and all that was left was rhythm. That’s pretty classy actually. To nit pick a little.. the punctuation needs fine tuning and the use of capps should be distributed to help the rhythm along, but it didnt bother me really... The only thing that did bug me was the last line… fire didn’t come into play during the poem, so it didn’t hit me at all, plus the tasting of fire is over used in this genre AND the quality of the preceding stanzas suggests that you can do better there.
Andy, I would really like to see you work the theme harder… I feel the dogma dogmatic connection and almost want to see you turn it into a stronger metaphor maybe? I would love to see you post this in the Erotic room to see what kind of crit it garners from others.
-Mary