Half-a-Dozen Primates on Stage
or the Republicrat Debates
A short story by Wolf Larsen
The debate opens with half-a-dozen primates on stage standing behind podiums in front of a television audience of other perhaps slightly more advanced primates.
The moderator asks the half-a-dozen relatively advanced primates or presidential contenders, "So what should we do about Iran and North Korea?"
Mitt Romney: "Well I believe in whatever will get me the most votes! I'll dress up as a woman in lipstick and lingerie and high heels at the next debate if that will get me elected president of the United States of America! And as you all know of all the Republicrats here I'm the one most likely to succeed in kicking that Demopublican Obama out of the White House!"
Moderator: "The question is what do you Republicrat candidates propose to do about Iran and North Korea?"
Rick Perry: "Duuuuuuuh, well I'm not sure where Iran is on the map... Uuuuhhhh… But I think we definitely need to put more McDonald's in North Korea, so that they can become a free society and everything, but we should definitely invade them first!"
Moderator: "But Mr. Perry North Korea has nuclear weapons. Are you saying we should have a nuclear war with North Korea?"
Rick Perry: "Yeeehaaaaaw! Giddy up! Gimme that nuclear button! Why shouldn't we have a nuclear war with Australia! Those pesky Australians have been causing too much trouble! We have a huge arsenal of nuclear weapons, it's only a matter of time before we have a nuclear war with somebody, so it might as well be Canada - I mean Australia."
Ron Paul: "I think you mean North Korea don't you?"
Rick Perry: "Aw hell, let's have a nuclear war with Mexico! Yeeehaaaaaw! Giddy up!"
Newt the Grinch begins with an evil laugh: " HEE HEE HA HA HA HO HO HO! If elected president I'm going to commence my "Contract on America" plan beginning January, 2013! HEE HEE HA HA HA HO HO HO!"
Mitt Romney: "I will do anything to be elected president of the United States of America. I'll dress up as a transvestite every day that I'm in the White House and I'll show all the world leaders my excellent oral skills. What? What? Tell me what to say! I wanna be president! I wanna be president soooo bad! I'll say or do anything to be elected president!"
Rick Perry: "Yeeehaaaaw! I went to abolish three government ministries, but it's too much trouble to remember their names! So let's just abolish all of the government ministries! It's just a bunch of bureaucracy anyway!"
Ron Paul: "Exactly! We should rid ourselves of all these annoying regulations! Americans should be free to get E. coli if they want to! We need less regulation - we need libertarianism! Just call me President E. coli!"
Newt the Grinch begins that evil laugh again: "HEE HEE HA HA HA HO HO HO! Just wait untill January 2013 when I unleash my Contract on America! HEE HEE HA HA HA HO HO HO!"
Moderator: "My next question involves the Demopublican President Barack Obama. President Obama has increased the deportations of illegal immigrants, increased military spending, and he has increased the powers of the Patriot Act. President Obama has used the Justice Department to attack peace organizations. In addition, President Obama has also given hundreds of billions of taxpayers’ dollars to big corporations, and he has continued the war on drugs. With a president like that what do we need the Republicans for?"
Mitt Romney: "But I want to be president! It's my turn! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
Then Herman Cain runs up on stage and starts yelling out: "9.99 PIZZA PIES! 9.99 PIZZA PIES! 9.99 PIZZA PIES!"
Moderator: "I thought you dropped out of the race! What are you doing here?"
Herman Cain keeps yelling out as he jumps all over the stage: "9.99 PIZZA PIES! 9.99 PIZZA PIES! 9.99 PIZZA PIES!"
Michelle Bachmann says: "999 is a backwards 666! That's socialism! You're all a bunch of socialists! Barack Obama is a socialist! All the Demopublicans and Republicrats are socialists! Can't you see all the Mongolian hordes of evil socialists crawling out of the walls everywhere?!"
Rick Santorum says: "666! That's the sign of the devil! So let me just use this opportunity of the presidential debates to give you some good old Sunday Christian proselytizing! Hallelujah! If I'm elected president I'll turn the White House into a great big church! Hallelujah! My speeches from the White House will be great sermons where a wave of evangelical Christians are fighting all the evil demons slithering out of everyone's private parts! Hallelujah! It's time to have a holy war against sex! Hallelujah! Jesus Christ is cumming!"
Herman Cain yells out: "Hallelujah! Hallelujah! 9.99 pizza pies! 9.99 pizza pies! I'm a preacher too! And now that all those harassment and infidelity claims have brought down my presidential campaign I'm going to become a minister! Hallelujah! Give me 10%! And buy some of my 9.99 pizza pies!"
Moderator: "Mr. Cain, you're not supposed to be here! You dropped out of the presidential race!"
Michelle Bachmann says: "999 is a backwards 666! You're all a bunch of evil devil-worshiping socialists!"
Mitt Romney: "I'm against devil-worshiping socialists if it will help get me elected! Oh! Oh! I want to be president so bad – I’m practically getting an orgasm here on stage thinking of it!"
Newt the Grinch: "HEE HEE HA HA HA HO HO HO! Just wait till I begin my Contract on America! HEE HEE HA HA HA HO HO HO!"
Ron Paul: "We need to deregulate pollution laws. We need more pollution. Pollution is good for you!"
Herman Cain: "9.99PIZZA PIES! ON SALE RIGHT NOW! PIZZA PIZZA! 9.99!"
Ron Paul: "And if you get into an accident and can't afford medical care just die!"
The audience claps and cheers and goes wild with joy!
The audience starts chanting: "DIE! DIE! DIE!
DIE! DIE! DIE!
DIE! DIE! DIE!"
And while the audience chants "DIE! DIE! DIE!" Herman Cain is simultaneously jumping up and down and chanting "9.99 PIZZA PIE! 9.99 PIZZA PIE! 9.99 PIZZA PIE!"
Copyright 2011 by Wolf Larsen. Advance permission is given to anyone wishing to do so to publish the above story without altercations as long as credit is given to the author, and the intent of such publication is not hostile.
http://www.youtube.com/user/HenryPrudington#p/a/u/1/XLpq_kFHB1Y