A baby cow sauteed in her own tears
*
A friend mentally performs last rites when she sees someone about to eat an animal
*
A higher love Ohio love
*
A radio ad for a leather repair shop..... cow resurrection?
*
A sailboat needs no key
*
A ticktockectomy .... when embodied souls transcend time.
*
Abe called and she replied "Maybe, Abie baby".
*
After first freezing the living lobster and then boiling him, the tv cook tore off the lobster's claws
*
Almond milk is more plentiful now. But how do people sit on tiny stools to milk the almonds 9
*
An animal rescue vehicle... a bambilance
*
An innocent bug flutters toward a window fan. The shredding is as bad as any wood chipper's.
*
Animal killing... a karmageddon
*
Are the trees jealous that we have mobility
*
As a little boy, I put one end of the toilet paper roll into the toilet drain and flushed the toilet to watch it roll.
*
As boys, my brothers and I went down that dam's waterfall, the moss making a slippery slide
*
As cluttered as her room is, no wonder she lost 3 pounds
*
Asian restaurants sometimes serve cage free kitties, bats, dogs, seagulls, fish alive etc. They point out that Westerners murder cows,
sheep, goats, pigs, chickens, fishes etc.
*
At that Texas military base, we wore flea collars around our ankles, with our pants tucked into our boots, to keep out the chiggers. 18
*
Before the dodo was extinct, he was tinct
*
Better than incandescent or fluorescent tube lights are LED ones, just as bright but rarely hot enough to harm a bug
*
Border guards are assigned to keep fruit flies out of the US
*
Bostonian vowels are different.
*
Butterflies are not actually made out of butter
*
Cage free eggs means containers to keep eggs from running or rolling away
*
Canadian geese, damn foreigners.
*
Cemeteries for trillions of chickens are called landfills
*
Children in large families say the faster you eat the more food you get. Therefore is fasting gluttony? 27
*
Chills are sometimes called goose bumps because each time a feather was yanked out of a goose a bump was left.
*
Colas, pop, sodas: devil juice
*
Come, Mr Rabbit, let me take your coat for you, said the defurrier. We have a wonderful new title for you, Hasenpfeffer And Mr. Duck, it will be warm where we're going. You won't need your feathers. And your new title is D L'Orange.
*
Cyrano de Bergerac: Cyranose
*
Dad said "Don't be a smart ass". He wanted me to be a dumb ass.
*
Did the sculptor of the Sphinx give her a sphincter?
*
Do 2 pecks equal 1 kiss?
*
Do I believe in capital punishment? I think all politicians in the *
Capitol should be punished.
*
Do you ever see cats running in packs? 36
*
Don't mourn if you are attacked in an internet video game. It's just a mix of pixels.
*
Don't worry about the roadkill. The little creature's soul has already risen.
*
And don't worry. No pheasants were harmed in making the chicken
*
Each night after leaving his government job in Foggy Bottom he returned home to help his wife with baby's soggy bottom.
*
Eating raw oysters is like swallowing your mucus, mixed with sand. *
Fah Quew was an ancient mystic who disappeared for a few years, and every now and then people catch a glimpse of him in a crowd. When they do, they yell out "Hey Fah Quew!!!"
*
Farmers say grass is a useless crop. People pour chemicals on it to make it grow faster and then they chop it off.
*
Father forgive them for they do not what they know
*
First Britain, France, Belgium, Portugal, Spain, Italy invaded Africa. Now Africa is invading Europe 45
*
Fog is a grounded cloud.
*
Four wheel drive doesn't mean four wheel brakes.
*
Freggies... shorter to say than fruits and vegetables.
*
George Carlin said that if Jesus had come in the 50's, people would wear miniature electric chairs around their necks.
*
Getting to gnaw you. Getting to gnaw all about you.
*
God has joined us together. Let no man put us under.
*
Gray clouds are lower because they carry more water.. as greyhaired
people have waters of compassion.
*
Greenpeace goes to the South Pole and is depressed by whale murder. Then they go to the North Pole and are depressed by the melting ice. Bipolar depression
*
Growing Russian influence in the US. Look at Put In Bay island in Lake Erie 54
*
Growing green peas..... green peace.
*
Hanging out in the train yards one could always tell the experienced brakemen. They were the ones with 1 or 2 missing fingers.
*
Have I seen this movie before? I'm on befive right now.
*
He awoke at the crack of noon
*
He died of homicitis
*
He feels guilty that he's innocent
*
He has friends named Prostov, Rossoff, and Rostov. I like them but my favorite friend is Pistoff
*
ffe has the right to remain silent now because he is dead
*
He must be a government tool, he drones on so. 63
*
I piled his plate with only pig and chicken flesh and then stated he was an omnivore because he ate more than 1 animal species
*
He shot the button buck (a deer so young his antlers look like buttons on his skull) who had milk still dribbling from his chin and spots on his skin, as if he had gone to a petting zoo and shot the first fawn he saw.
*
I used to tease my brother, saying that if his head were shaven it would reveal the number 665, indicating that he was only a 2nd rate devil. (Actually 666 adds up to 18 and then 9)
*
He was a pedophile carnivore, eating only baby calves, lambs and piglets.
*
He was like someone who buys a Lamborghini and can't pay the insurance so it sits in the driveway
*
He'll have the gently clubbed lobster
*
Her cooking gets F for effort.
*
Her motto is 'never leave home without everything'
*
Hermaphroditic earthworms with 1 end female and the other male can screw themselves. And then they can connect their two ends and roll away. 72
*
High winds today were attacking the leaves.
*
His campaign manager was B. L. Zebub
*
His father abused him. Seeing him hug a chicken his father said "don't play with your food."
*
How do sloths make love? very slowly
*
Howard said Mad Cow is everywhere. I think it would be kinder to call her an unhappy cow.
*
Hurtful speech is like letting the magic smoke out of the bottle. It's very difficult to put it back in.
*
I am a poet and don't know a tree
*
I asked a technician at an Ohio animal research lab where the animals were taken when they finished with them. He pointed to the incinerator chimney and said 'in the form of smoke'
*
I asked my dad re a neighborhood kid's arrest why anyone would get in trouble for salt on a battery. 81
*
I bought her a birthday card which said: no trees were killed for this card...... but hundreds of bushes were savagely clubbed.
*
I call her Impatia
*
I didn't stay with that woman. Sex takes a half hour. There are 23 and 12 hours more in each day.
*
I don't care for tea. I'm a teetotaler.
*
I don't have Allzheimer's. I have half zheimer's.
*
I generate ecstatic electricity
*
I get enough exercise.... Each day I jump to conclusions
*
I go the library to work on the computer, because if I I bought one for home, I'd be a smoking fiend.
*
I haven't yet been given an epiphany about bug rights 90
*
I left my heart.. in San Francisco.. along with my wallet.
*
I like vegans..... slightly breaded and thoroughly cooked
*
I looked eagerly through the cereal box for my Terry and the Pirates secret decoder ring
*
I love my abs. That's why I insulate them so well.
*
I miss my Mitsubishi. I called her Mitzie.
*
I prefer Italians undressing to Italian dressing
*
I prefer wellbreaded to wellbred
*
I rode a horse as a kid. He went where he wanted to. Others aid "Kick him, Kick him!" "No", I said, he's bigger than i am.
*
I told Grandpa his top of the head bald spot looked like an egg in a bird's nest. He told me his head was growing too fast for his hair. 99
*
I told the Amish horses that no matter how much manure they dropped on the asphalt they wouldn't fertilize it.
*
I took Home Economics in high school because we could eat what we made.
*
I tossed the grapes at her one by one, telling her they were the grapes of wrath.
*
I try not to think. It hurts too much
*
I was asked what crime the man in the movie had committed as he was chased by cops. "Bad acting".
*
I was asked why it is that no matter what shape the bubble blower, the bubbles are round. The air pressure inside pushes equally in all directions.
*
I was told that there is a preacher who thinks dinosaurs were on the ark. I know they came over on the Mayflower. They were called Puritans.
*
I went into that particular restaurant which featured a tank of live lobsters. You were supposed to look into their eyes and pick which of the lobsters was to be offed just for you.
*
I will be a forensic pathologist and investigate causes of death of these fast food chickens 108
*
I will empty all the liquid in my glass, lest it should become a death trap for a random fruit fly.
*
I won't criticize her... though she's ilcookerate.
*
I'm a vegan. It's my tapeworm who's a carnivore.
*
I'm having animal rights a roni
*
I'm not yet included among those who don't eat anything that looks back at them
*
I'm new kind of animal.... a 5 toed sloth
*
I'm not sleeping... it's only a long blink
*
I've seen an over 200 car train with 6 engines in front, 4 engines in the middle and 3 in the back.
*
I've tried to turn the other cheek.... I'm running out of cheeks to turn 117
*
If Deepak Chopra married Oprah Winfrey, she'd be Oprah Chopra
*
If Fidel had become a great baseball player, perhaps Cuba would still be a playground for the idle rich
*
If Ray Charles had been wealthy and white, he might have received the health care necessary to prevent his blindness
*
If a rabbit's foot is considered good luck, how come the hunted rabbit with 4 feet is now dead?
*
If all blood were removed from meat it would be white meat not red, i said. Then someone told me that red meat would be gray or green without red dye #2.
*
If fasters eat nothing, do slowers eat a lot?
*
If he loses his sight, he has no sight with which to find it. (Avoid alcohol)
*
If maple tree seeds are so valuable, why does the tree throw them away?
*
If she continues to feed dumpster doughnuts to the birds, besides being high on sugar speed, they might want to drive around in police patrol cars. 126
*
If there are blood diamonds, there is also blood lumber.
*
If you buy the ham, you get the trichinella worms at no cost
*
If you want to know what a factory farm is like, stick your head into an outhouse, into the liquid below, and then breathe deeply
*
Imagine you are Stephen King's son and he comes in at night to say he wants to read you a bedtime story.
*
In France do they eat the tiny ortolan songbird... to sing like him?
*
In Germany in the small towns stork nests on top of churches and other buildings are protected as a sign of good luck.
*
In Vietnam it was said the black man fought the yellow man for the white man.
*
In a Catholic religion class I made the mistake of repeating my father's comment that nuns were sexually frustrated penguins. I was made to go to the rear of the classroom, kneel on pencils and stretch my arms out each holding a Bible.
*
In countries with draconian drug laws, one can be stoned for getting stoned. 135
In dogfighting 'rape benches' are used. Female dogs are tied down so that they cannot resist the rape by the male.
*
In elementary school, I was given 6 pages of single lined paper and told to write on each line: "I am not here to amuse my classmates."
*
In my Man's Manual of Driving anyone driving faster than me is an idiot. Anyone driving slower than me is moronic.
*
In the freezing weather, crows with their claws can perch in the trees, but seagulls have webbed feet.
*
Is there a joanquil for every jonquil?
*
It was a slugfest. Each slug was feasting on pretzels, withut salt of course.
*
It's called the White House though it was built by black slaves
*
It's fine to feed the birds, but don't invite them into the car for their meals.
*
It's hard to catch enough angels to make an angel food cake. 144
*
It's very difficult to perform a phlebotomy.. because of the tiny brains of the fleas
*
Jack Russell is a terrierist
*
Join the army. Travel. Meet new people.... and then kill them.
*
Kevin and I pooled our money and had enough for 1 can of pop.. I told him he could take the outside and I'd take the inside.
*
Kryptonite is made from unobtainium.
*
Kuala Lumpur .... isn't that an Australian bear with mumps?
*
Late January: Time for them to remove their arboreal Christmas sacrifice.
*
Magnificat..... magnificent cat
*
Matter has consciousness. What has no consciousness doesn't matter. 153
*
Maybe it's not just innocent animals who are murdered and eaten. Maybe some are guilty.
*
Miracles turn lepers into leapers
*
Monarch butterflies leave Mexican trees... like falling leaves
*
My carnivorous tapeworm would not be so lonely if he had a sushi liver fluke to keep him company
*
My dad said if Fed Ex merged with UPS it would be FED UPS.
*
He also said that the family tree of incestuous ancestors looks like a stick
*
My father commented that Louisiana had swamps but New Jersey had meadowlands.
*
He looked at the smashed bug on our windshield and said "I guess he won't have the guts to do that again"
*
He said I was a sexual intellectual, in other words a f*cking know it all 162
*
My father also said that 2 wrongs don't make a right but that 3 right turns make one left turn.
*
He told us that that couple was in iron and steel. She irons and he steals.
*
He advised "Pedestrians have the right of way. Don't let your car take that right away"
*
He would take us to a restaurant and buy 6 orders of fries.. 1 for each of his 4 boys, 1 for himself, and 1 for the birds
*
My grandfather said that before indoor plumbing rich people had a canopy over their beds and a can a pee under their beds.
*
My lips keep my mouth from fraying around the edges
*
My mother said my birth was not occidental but on purpose.
*
No dinosaurs were harmed in making the dinosaur movie.
*
No matter how much my grandmother cooked, she could not remove the gray from the calf's brains. 171
*
Oh savage fluffy bunny, why do you ravage my entrails with your talons, your claws?
*
Oh what is a snail without his shell.... but a slug
*
On beloved Donkey Hoti, rode in Don Quixote
*
Once upon a time, a pawn of time
*
One practices Tai Chi while another on the railroad platform calls out Chai, tea
*
One storage unit company's ad says 'We treat your stuff as if it were our stuff'. And it would be if you missed a single payment.
*
Our cat has scratched the catscratcher to death
She was a part of Neighborhood Watch. If she saw a burgler leave a house, she watched.
*
Our government founders decided on separation of church and state, but not separation of church and business.
*
Overweight people often have back problems, and front problems 180
*
PBS' cooking chef after dropping the frozen alive lobster into boiling water let him be cooked, took him out, and proceeded to tear off his claws 'as casually as if she were tearing off pieces of a loaf of French bread
*
Pop cans sometimes become gnat traps
*
Psychic hotline $1 a minute call 1 800 SUCKER
*
Raccoons were born with masks because they're thieves. They decided to eat that night at Chez Dumpster.
*
Re cable tv company ads: Try us now. What other choice do you have?
*
Re cans of tomato paste, I recommend a can opener for both ends, and using a lid to shove all the contents onto a plate.
*
Re insurance ads on tv: "We are now accepting applications which will allow you to give us your money."
*
Reagan was the unionbuster of the air controllers and so politicians named an airport after him.
*
Republicans won't provide money for contraceptives for Americans, but their own taxpayer funded insurance gives them money for Viagra. 189
*
Seatbelts are required for human children. They should be required for pets too so that they aren't jettisoned from cars.
*
She asked if I was trying to give her a heart attack with my driving. I told her no... it was just a perk
*
She asked the male word for whore.... the answer is 'man'.
*
She asked why the stupidity of women drivers bothers me more than men's. Stupid male drivers are just getting in touch with their feminine side. When I complain I'm also getting in touch with my feminine side
*
She baked coffee beans... now they'll never have a chance to become coffee trees.
*
She drives so slowly bugs get behind her car and push.
*
She rescues pine cones as if they are stray dogs.
*
She said she had an hourglass figure. It was more like a whole month.
*
She told me she couldn't wait for the sun to go out of cancer so that she could stop eating so much. Sure... the sun made her eat like a piglet 198
*
She's a psychic medium. I'm an extra large
*
She's not superstitious, just stitious.
*
She's outside trying to give the snow back to the sky
*
Since pine cones came before Buddhist temples, one should say the latter resemble the former rather than the other way around.
*
Slaughterhouses, said the health department official, are disasembly plants as if she was talking about the harvesting of plants.
*
So Ben Franklin said 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away'. Yes, if you throw it at him.
*
Some are activists and some are inactivists.
*
Some are afraid after death to go into the light, fearing oblivion.
*
Some diseases don't manifest for decades, yet several states' 'tort reform' requires filing within a year. 207
*
Some eat seafood Some eat airfood (birds)
*
That bunny has just made for you some chlorophyll enriched little green pills
*
That mathematician does everything not by the book but by the numbers.
*
That tickles my punny bone
*
That's Mount Olive cemetery... where the olives are buried before they're resurrected as olive trees
*
The Christian-owned WBNX has sex commercials in the evening. It is also interesting to see WUAB air a sex commercial followed by one for Joel O'Steen.
*
The Ohio Republican state legislature passed and the governor signed into law a bill forbidding any Ohio city from raising the minimum wage, followed by the legislature's raising the minimum wage 5 cents. Thank you Massa.
*
The Veterans Administration makes vets applying for assistance feel as if they are tryinig to borrow money from their drill sergeants
*
The Veterans Administration motto may be 'vets should be seen and not heard' 216
*
The ad was for 'pest management'. It's hard to manage pests (like herding cats)
*
The airline would not allow her small piglet emotional support animal.
*
The best place to look for lost dentures is in the owner's mouth
*
The carnivore sees little piglets as bacon seeds
*
The dog is chasing the car. What will he do if he catches it? Bite it, bark at it? Chew on it?
*
The first snowfall is an alien life form
*
The fog follows the river.
*
The jellyfish and the peanut butter fish got together.
*
The justices say they want justice for all. But they really want 'justice for just us'. 225
*
The poison ivy does not know that it is causing harm
*
The truth is that they will endlessly repeat their ads until they finally sell all their crap.
*
The turkey's wishbone does not grant his own wishes
*
The way utilities mutilate trees...is like cutting the head, an arm and a leg off of a human being.
*
The wind above the clouds moves faster while the wind below them moves more slowly. That is a factor in their shape.
*
There was a horse named Hoof Hearted... people laughed when they heard Who Farted
*
There were stories in the news of recruiters enticing the young into military service through video game places. Did they want infants in the infantry?
*
They asked if I wanted navy beans with my dinner. But I'm an army man.
*
They call gendered frogs 'it' because they're no longer alive and you can't hurt their feelings. 234
*
They don't eat chickens' lips or beaks or feathers or feet
*
They have cage free eggs, but the chickens are confined..
*
They pay the poor pennies to be their drug company guinea pigs. They don't care if the drugs kill them.
*
They said in the army 'it's better to be pissed off than pissed on'
*
They want to chop the turkey's head off while he is still alive. For a while the heart will still pump out blood, reducing some of their work in emptying the body of blood.
*
They were collecting semen from the bull to impregnate the cow. It's so hard to get them to jerk off in a cup, especially since they don't have hands.
*
They were jumping around in the gym to get 6 pack abs. I prefer the keg I've made.
*
They've devised a way to eliminate future terrorists.... bomb all children 243
*
This meal is a celebration of my confirmation. I'm confirming that I love this food.
*
This tiger can't change his carnivore stripes.
*
Those called evil are often misunderstood
*
Those deer did not pay attention in school. They're not crossing at the deer crossing signs.
*
Those who walked into the back of that pizza shop saw a vat of cheese wtih forest green mold... and new tree like mold spores
*
To avoid libel, don't assign blame by giving a name
*
Tornadoes made that Wednesday a Windsday.
*
Unlike mice, plants don't run away from vegetarian cats.
*
Vegans avoid rhyming abalone with balogna. 252
*
Villainize no one.
*
We are whom we eat. Because he eats vegetarian chickens, is he also a vegetarian?
*
We were just disgusting you
*
What is a Brussel sprout when he grows up?
*
What is the sound of one hand clapping? whooooshshshshsh!!
*
What was the fly doing in that disgusting perfume? The back stroke
*
When I'm hungry my cells become a salivation army.
*
When a car coming from the opposite direction crossed the yellow
line, my dad would say 'you are entitled to half the road but not the middle half'.
*
When a dog's nose is rubbed in his waste, does he know why he's being punished? 261
*
When have you ever seen a lock on an outhouse door?
*
When is someone loyal and when is he a lapdog or lackey?
*
When my father came home from a long day of work, we were his tv remote controls, popping up when he wanted a channel changed.
*
When a friend went to her woman gynecologist, she was told she had crabs and said 'I'm so glad I caught them before they grew up.
*
When someone is too drunk to find the floor, his friend gravity will help.
*
When we in the military were force marched to get flu shots, I always got sick from them. I never got one voluntarily, (we were the property of the US government) and those years I never otherwise got sick.
*
When we were boys I told my brothers Kevin and Patrick the only way our dog Cindy would play with them was if I tied a dog biscuit around their necks.
*
When we were little, my brother Kevin said "Are you going to pay me back the dollar?" I replied "it's on account". K said 'What's that?" I replied "On account of I'm not going to pay you."
*
Whenever a White House thanksgiving turkey is pardoned, another is slaughtered in her place. 270
*
Whenever bone marrow is marinating it is creating carcinogens.
*
Whenever he found a chicken leg in which the chicken's leg had been broken, he thought about the slaughterhouse.
*
While he was dropping acid he had a nightmare that he was dropped in acid.
*
Why are they hurricanes in the Atlantic and typhoons in the Pacific?
*
Why call drugs antidepressants when they often cause suicide and homicide
*
Why do we have to wait 5 minutes for coffee? Do they have to slaughter the beans?
*
Why doesn't that pastor spend money helping the poor rather than on a stadium sized church?
*
Why don't refugees take showers? A dark joke says 'Because they wash up on the shore".
*
Why is it a pair of pants and a single shirt. There are 2 sleeves in a shirt. 279
*
Why not at least switch from red meat to white meat she said. Did she want me haunted by turkey ghosts instead of cow ghosts?
*
Why would anyone name a fruit 'kumquat'?
*
Why would I leave, I said to her. I don't even like to change my socks.
*
With those ears he looks like a two-handled teapot.
*
Woe is me. The inflating device for my blowup doll is broken.
*
You shouldn't fry potatoes naked said my grandmother so I always leave their skins on.
*
i always wondered if Catskill was Cats kill or Cat Skill until I learned it's Dutch derived from Kaaterskill translated as Wildcat Creek. New York names end in 'kill'. It means a riverbed, water channel, stream or creek in Dutch.
*
"There is no I in the word team" said the CEO to his subordinates as he thought to himself .. 'there are an M and an E".
*
(Asked how he could go without food, drink or sleep for over 42 hours) I make my body adapt to what I need to do.
*
(Re seafood) I don't eat anything that swims in its own commode.