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Heart.
I sent back your tablets,
Sent back the money.
We needed the money,
but you come first.
I said, this kid just needs love.
They said you had a condition,
I called up the doctor and said he was a bent piece of shit,
and said there was nothing wrong with my daughter.
I demanded to put in a complaint.
There was nothing wrong with you,
Except the chance for your mother to get another hundred pounds a week.
The money was her business,
But she gave you the tablets too.
Your eyes glazed over.
Your soul dead.
So you'd run, jump, play, laugh.
So you'd argue.
Nice to see you have an opinion.
You were kind to animals,
You'd try to help someone if they fell over,
Instead of laughing.
You'd try to include people,
Instead of excluding them.
You'd try to make people happy,
Not sad.
Seriously.
I didn't need a DNA test,
Your my kid.
i was very proud.
You didn't need tablets for being decent.
For being told to lie.
For having people around you,
acting like their sick behaviour was normal,
giggling and clapping their hands every time you cried.
You needed love to heal from that shit.
They got you acting like them.
But look at your dog.
Did you just smile and stroke him?
Your nothing like them.
(One wiped his poo covered arse on his girlfriends dog,
for fun.
No reason.
She doesn't know. Dog can't tell her. Their sick.
..Who do you leave your dog with?)
..Lost you in a museum, once.
You look nothing like me,
But your just like me.
I knew you was in the gift shop.
I told you to empty your pockets.
You had stolen things in every pocket.
(I didn't know you had so many pockets.)
You kept saying, that was everything.
..You was very convincing.
But I knew.
This went on for about ten minutes.
I knew you had something else.
I just couldn't work out what.. your very clever.
But, I said I know.
I can read your mind.
You looked at me hard.. one of those hard stares.
I smiled.
You knew I knew.
But you couldn't work out how..
Then you finally said.
Ok...
You took of a necklace and finally slumped your shoulders.
That was the tell tale sign. ( Dad trade secret.)
I told you if they had caught you,
you wouldn't be allowed to go to the museum anymore.
You cried.
I said, if you work hard. You don't have to steal.
I said it makes me sad.
I work so you don't have to steal.
You said you were very sorry..
I let you pick one thing.
You said you didn't want anything.
You were very sad. That made me sad.
I brought you the necklace, never had a chance to give it to you.
(If I ever caught you stealing again,
I was going to hand it to you,
to remind you. You didn't need to.)
Ended up in a box of photos, letters, odds and sods.
I think I brought you a mc flurry.
You talked and talked and laughed.
I just let you talk.
Should I have punished you?
Shouted at you?
Hit you?
... Why?
I didn't want to hurt you.
You didn't want me to hurt you.
You weren't going to stop that,
Till you decided for yourself.
And you hated me calling you a tea leaf.:)
I'd tease you about it.
Have you pinched the kitchen sink?
..No dad, its there.
I can't find my socks... did you pinch them?
NO Dad!
Did you pinch my car keys? I can't find them.
Stop it.. I'm sorry. LoL
Did you pinch the window? Its dark in here.
No dad, its night time.
Stop it! Lol
Did you pinch my watch? I can't see it.
No Dad! You've got your eyes closed! Lol
I can't pinch. Have you pinched my pinch?
You'd laugh, and I'd laugh.
We had fun.
But were you violent?
Don't make me laugh.
Traumatic events can make someone like that,
But you were just a playful kid.
You never hit me. I never hit you.
We worked it out, together.
And if you needed something from me..
2. Stop dragging your heels, hurry up. We're late.
1. Please don't tell me to hurry up in that voice, it makes me sad.
2. You won't hurry up, otherwise.
..I would use a softer voice if you would hurry up.
1. If you used a gentle voice, I wouldn't get sad and I would hurry up. I promise.
2. ...You promise?
1. Yes, Daddie.
2. ... I can't change me voice.. But I can try to change my words.
( I tried something out.)
1. That would be better, Daddie. Thank you.
We both kept our word.
So when I say:
Darling,
You've got to stop this shit now, we've got to talk,
you know it's true.
Some things are to important to lie about.
So when I say,
I love you with all my heart.
Like only a Dad can love a daughter.
That I'd see you be happy and strong.
Thats true.
It wasn't a decision, or a choice.
I didn't have any say in the matter.
I looked at you and found that it me.
I was as surprised as everyone else.
And all these arseholes never had that from no one,
their jealous as sin.
They just fuck each other, manipulate, lie and rip each other off.
Thats no family.
My personal private wish?
Was to have started homeless, with nothing,
and never known these arseholes.
I'd have been fine.
If you look inside, you know you feel the same way.
My advice?
Get angry,
Get cross,
shout!
Let your heart kick in and blow all those fucked up cobwebs away.
Fuck everything.
Do what you want to do and stop asking permission.
If you've got any of my heart. Let it beat fast.
I know your mind and hearts mixed up.
Mine too.
But one thing I'm sure off,
I love you and having you in my life made me happy.
