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Anacampserote

so, it looks like I've messed up our relationship for the last time,

each kiss, each fight, each good night - all to be a distant pastime,

I tried crawling back to you, I left without a whole heart and skin crawling,

nothing I can do about it now, it was a definite no, no hesitation, no stalling,

I apologized, but now it means so little,

I'm sure it comes across as no more than a statement meant to belittle,

feeling like food masticated,

our love long digested, only myself to be rightly berated,

I feel exhausted, I feel like a failure, I feel like these feelings are accurate and precise,

I know every sorry, every promise, every contraindication of my track record - won't suffice,

so I write this letter to you, a goodbye, a final salute,

to a wonderful relationship, in freefall without a parachute,

we both deserve better than me, only I can't leave,

I hurt myself for hurting you, evidence concealed by each sleeve,

I look into the distance and sigh, I ruined what I didn't realize I had until now,

so myopic, bury this grave mistake and to never do it again I vow,

every white car that drives by, I hope to see my heart on the back of it,

I wait in vain, it's not you, your distance from me - never a lack of it,

I'm at the greenway village cocktail lounge, I'm exhausted,

dreaming of an anacampserote, of how to fix a heart so accosted,

thinking about you, about myself, about where I'm aimlessly heading,

about how much I want to cocoon myself in my room, a burrito in my bedding,

I've accepted the fact that I won't be successful financially, that I won’t make my parents proud,

but I'm still hopeful for a successful relationship, one I won't ruin, one in love we're shroud,

it's a nice thought, like baby Jesus in his little manger,

but I still don't know myself, making the decisions of a complete stranger,

I'm hurting, the ulcers in my mouth want to stay,

breaking down, there’s no more holding these viruses at bay,

half the time I care so much that I want to cry, the other half I care so little I want to cry as well,

want to love and be loved by the antithesis of the modern day, multiplying jezebel,

when it's all said and done, and it's all said and done, I know forward you will move,

you're over me, I only have myself to blame, beat up and subsequently, pitifully soothe,

it's impossible to measure the effects of these wounds,

penetrating, like being trapped in violent dust storms across desolate sand dunes,

I'm lonely, I don't know how to fix this, it’s not as simple as I had previously believed,

everyday is a struggle, convincing the devils on my shoulders that they've been relieved,

Roxee, I'm so sorry, I'm more sorry than you know,

I stare into the distance and reminisce, as you're presence fades, so does my glow...

Roxee, you will always, in all ways, have a place to call home in my heart...