Author Information
235 Rant: God Willing Sleep
Disconnection seems to run absolutely rampant among the people that I'm close to. Is this a normal thing? Perhaps even a human thing? Does it come with the age that we're struggling with? We've all dealt with our mortality and it seems that now, as we know that we're on some sort of cosmic timer, we're panicking at the thought of not "starting our lives" fast enough. We're thrilled by the different, the new and the uncommon; yet we're too afraid to take a stupid risk and experience something potentially amazing. It could be such an immense relief for us to just change something about our lives, but we've been given so many examples of what our lives should be like that nothing seems the slightest bit logical.
I feel no bridge to the people around me. Every girl I see seems so completely unworthy of a second look. At the same time, I feel completely unworthy of any notice as well. I feel disgusting and am constantly ashamed to be me. Was I born this way? I've never been certain of anything in my life, at least not for long. To establish something perennial and eternal in my life seems like nothing more than a childish dream, and that makes me incredibly sad. I'm twenty years old, have I really become so disillusioned or is this simply a phase? In many ways, I'm still just a child; I recognize that there is still SO much that I do not understand. I do not feel intelligent or above anything or anyone - I simply feel disconnected, unsettled and terribly unhappy with myself and the way that I am living my life. I have no direction and I cannot stomach that anymore. I need structure, some sort of framework to fall into every day. I need something to come home to, to look forward to, to fall in love with. It doesn't have to be a girl and it doesn't have to be a hobby or a job. It doesn't have to be anything. It just has to be.
I've grown jealous of friends and I hate myself for it. Slowly but surely, I'm learning that many of my friends are not quite as in tune with me as I once thought. I constantly feel as if I'm embarrassing myself around them; as if they're judging me. My family seems distant and unfamiliar. My ties seem severed somehow, and I cannot for the life of me figure out when this switch flipped on (or off) inside of my head. I am so lost within myself and somehow, I can't remember a time when I DIDN'T feel like this.
Love does not last because I will not allow it to. I feel so on edge and restless that nothing can stay in place for long, I have to cause a dramatic rumble or else... I don't know.
I hate myself and I really don't know if I have a reason to. I think, overall, that that is the problem.
I just don't know anything about anything anymore.
