Author Information
The Full Horror Of Hammer!
It is always the waste that shocks me about the genial Lord Dracula,
With his wealth and all the time in the world, he wastes it in a coffin.
Or pathetically in sucking the life from some long forgotten diva.
If he would only turn his talents to research, he could make a good boffin.
He could turn his ancient taste buds to the early detection of disease or develop the perfect sun block.
Dr Frankenstein abuses his title in knocking out bad copies of Ivana Trump.
If only he could turn his attention to the storage of lightening, he would find fame!
He could find a way to straighten out Ygor's hump
If he could animate himself in these areas, he would be a household name.
As it stands, I still want to burn his damned windmill!
The incredible Doctor Phibes could take the time to learn some new vibes
And his subterranean organ really needs tuning.
Whilst Doctor Jekyll could develop a gentle hair restorer,
Without all that hideous writhing, ranting and flesh rending.
Putting Doctor Jekyll's needs aside, I'd rather drink with Mister Hyde!
Were wolves bring terror to the village or town in pointless rampages.
Dodging the silver bullets, wolfbane and the cruel Van Helsing.
They could turn their cruel intellect and heightened lupine senses
To the tracking of lost children or anything else that needs finding.
As it stands, well, I think they are all barking!
I would also benefit from each monster's positive attitude to life.
I could take the garlic from my door and hand it to my wife,
I could sell the silver bullets and pour away the holy water,
And I wouldn't spend each sleepless night keeping fiends from my daughter.
Or would I? She's growing fast!
